The heart kind of trouble

I made a promise to myself that though I was not actively looking to find anyone special, if I did I would be open to them. However, when I can sense myself having actual feelings for a guy I pretty much throw a wrench in that as soon as humanly possible. The wrench sometimes looks like ignoring them. Or, focusing on their flaws becoming super nitpicky about things they do that sort of annoy me. Whatever it takes until I’ve back-peddled a safe distance away from those emotions. Yes, this is very sane and very logical to me in my head.

Only there’s that gnawing remembrance of the conversation I had with God in Bali. The one where I would not fear having the things I deserved and wanted. Easier said than done, and it took a trip halfway around the world to even say it.

If I had to explain it…it’s not exactly that I fear love. I fear losing it. That loss is so catastrophic that I hesitate getting anywhere near love because I doubt my ability to let it go if ever I had to. I am not sure why, either. I’ve been able to do it before. I mean granted it was really (really) hard, but nothing I didn’t live through. Though there was a time when I was going through a loss so devastating that I became indifferent to life and to living. I don’t want to go back to that place. And it’s an absolute worst case scenario so again, why am I focusing on it?

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I’m allowing the fear of what could be overshadow the light of what is. Right now I am developing feelings for someone. They’re just seedlings not full blossoms, but we have broken soil. All I can think about are the barriers. The things standing in our way and all the things that could go wrong. But if I shut up…if I digest the things he says…and most prominently if I trust his actions? I’m in trouble.

And part of me thinks maybe I’m right. Maybe things won’t work out with him for all the reasons I foresee. But does that mean I don’t try? No. Maybe he is simply an opportunity to practice being receptive? Either way, I can’t be tied to the outcome. I can only make the decision not to fight it. Here goes nothing…

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