So a few of my friends have jumped on the natural hair train (choo choo!) Most notably, EC and TR. TR seems to be having some issues lol, I keep telling her to just stick it out but she’s in her transitioning phase. EC just had her BC (big chop) and I’m kinda envious of her because she BC’d and actually kept it curly. You guys may remember that I did my chop in December of 08 but I blew it ouuuut at a Dominican/Aveda salon lol..I wasn’t ready to embrace my natural hair texture just yet…I really don’t think curly hair looks good on me…anyway here’s my hair after 10 months of transitioning and the chop (below)
This is pretty much the shortest my hair had been in a loooooong time. I think I look older with short hair. To me…I look 25 in this pic. Tho I wasn’t lol…perhaps let me back up a bit? What did my hair look like BEFORE the chop? well…
not too bad…lil more length buuut in my opinion it was never full enough. IDK I just wasn’t feeling it lol…what made me go natural was the fact that my hair was so thin. I remember my mom doing my hair when I was younger and her fighting with it because there was so much, and at that time…there was no “so much”. So in Dec I was 100% natural hair, no chemicals. I just continued to have it straightened trimmed and styled until summer…this is when I decided to get a sew in. Not being comfy with my curl, I couldn’t keep exposing my hair to the heat of hell that it took to get straight. (Literally the smoke detector would go off when I did my hair). So here I issss
with the sew in. This was actually very curly hair that my stylist blew straight, so it had ALL the body-I loved it. It was funny because when I would wash it and go, people would think it was my natural hair. Anyway, so I kept the sew in til June-Sept, took it down, trimmed my own hair, and got another one THIS time I got straight hair
…it was great (sorta) because the hair was always straight which mean less time with the Chi…BUT it meant that my natural hair which was out in the front and along the edges, had to be pressed pressed pressed in order to blend in. Right now my hair looks like this
, and I’m thinking that my Chi is going to get a lil rest during Lent. I told my boyfriend, who is all too amped for natural me, that I was going to wear my natural hair natural during Lent. So I’m currently researching ways to define and keep my curls in tact. EC turned me on to CurlyNikki.com and I’ve been reading that this morning, as well as asking other natural beauties what they do. I’m hearing a lot about coconut oil for moisture (I currently use rosemary oil) apparently, though:
Rosemary oil has a number of properties that promote healthy hair growth. One of the important rosemary oil properties is its stimulating effect. The use of rosemary oil on the hair and scalp helps stimulate blood circulation in the scalp and thus promotes healthy hair growth. It is light in texture and therefore, does not clog the pores in the scalp that may retard hair growth………Coconut oil also helps your hair look vibrant by protecting it. It maintains the hair’s protein as it gets absorbed into the hair shaft. For deep conditioning massage 2 to 3 tablespoons of coconut oil into hair and scalp. Leave in on overnight.
Friend also mentioned the KinkyCurly hair products maybe I’ll try the curling custard. I have exactly one week to get it all sorted out before the chi gets packed away until Easter…so if anybody has any Natural Curly Hair tips, send them on in 
God, why do I storm heaven for answers that are already in my heart? Every grace I need has already been given me. Oh, lead me to the Beyond within.
~Macrina Wieherkehr
I’m feeling rather bare. In a good way. Clean. I wanted my blog to reflect that…so here we go. A few things got deleted. I find that as I age and grow I favor province. As a result…well you see it. The above quote is introspective…an allusion to the seventh chakra: the Crown chakra…Kind of funny I took to that…if you follow my blog you know my affinity for “being” and “existentialism” so its only natural I was drawn to the 7th. If you’re not sure what a chakra is, here’s a brief definition:
Chakras are our energy centers. They are the openings for life energy to flow into and out of our aura. Their function is to vitalize the physical body and to bring about the development of our self-consciousness. They are associated with our physical, mental and emotional interactions.
I don’t know if what I’ve been on can be constituted as any kind of awakening. I suppose the old folks would say I’ve been “goin through”. Its just been a trying time in my life. But yesterday I broke. All the way down. I feel like I came full circle too. Like the things I was feeling are so far removed from me…and I didn’t really sleep last night. Poor Deeds, neither did he. I guess I was, for once, not sorting and just being those emotions. Lots of tears, lots of talking, lots of being open. Lots of hard stuff. I am by no means advising anyone on how to become more at peace or “enlightened”. Simply sharing my experience… I might paint today…
I find myself full of resentment. At a lot of things I won’t say out loud because I’m not trying to hurt feelings. But the point is I do. I’m resentful for seemingly caring too much. I find that with certain people in certain situations you can give and they’ll take as long as you’re giving…but when you need…
Let it first be known that that’s never why I give. Anything. Even myself. I found myself, in college, giving freely of everything but me. Now I find that that’s all I’m willing to give. And if people aren’t satisfied with that oh well. I see some people only come around when the getting is good. I see some who don’t over-take but rarely give equally. I wonder why they maintain as constants.
I find myself feeling used. And I don’t like to feel that way. In the particular situation I’m in now, I don’t feel used I feel angry. Angry because maybe this one time I should have been selfish. I say that and feel like a horrible person. I want to have faith that things will work out and that I will be ok. I do have that faith, its just fleeting. I also feel horrible saying that. I shouldn’t question. I listened didn’t I?
So why am I full of this dull rage…fury that burns my insides and only comes out through my eyes. I’ve cried for over a week, at some point during the day. I just need to stop worrying. Before everything in me is destroyed by this fire.
I’m the most impatient person in the world. THE world. I get kind of Varuka Salt-y about things being done on my timeline…a flaw. I’m working on it.
I WANT PATIENCE NOOOOOOW!!!
Anyway, so I patiently waited for inspiration for a new *look* and got nowhere lol…so this is temporary, albeit VERY true. I couldn’t even think of being with a Puke Blue Devil…*gag* March Madness is looming…its never too early really.
I did patiently wait for the good Lord to send me a TarHeel, you know..that whole equally yoked thing? Annnnnd *drumroll* my baby (Deeds) is a native of the great state and loooove the Heels. Its actually (kinda) how we met. So…I don’t feel the least bit guilty for this prayer. More people should pray it.
I just want to not be sick? Not have a headache. Not have a fever. Not have a sore throat. Not have a runny nose. And of course I can’t get well because every single day I’m back out in the wind/rain/cold.
I feel better emotionally but my body is aching and sorely needs time off. Only…I can’t take time off. Everyday I have to go…work 2 jobs, intern, class, run errands…I’m just exhausted. And the semester just started. May it pass by expeditiously.
I’m not complaining, just venting…I can’t go another week sick…Doctor tells me to rest and I try to? Feel better then its right back to the grind. Lord I am faithful and leaning unto your rather than my understanding…*cough, weeze*
NCS-
Man…I mean I knew we were friends but damn! To be going through the same thing at the same time…a complete blessing because I was beginning to think something was wrong with me, now at best I know something is wrong with *us*.
You’re absolutely right…we have wonderful, 100% real MEN and we need to let them love us. Remembering their place in our lives and the importance of that blessing-thus also keeping our end of the bargain and being the strong, resiliant women they not only need but deserve.
You remember that night when alllllll that mess with youKNOWwho was going down and for whatever reason I got up at 4am to find you up too lol, and we talked about life, love, God, (my precious book of Matthew). And we talked then about blessings and the need to get and keep our relationship w/ Him strong. *Imagine Me*
Funny how when you surrender all, so to speak, you get back more than you ever hoped for. In your case one that was in the periphoral for ages…and in mine lol someone being seasoned for me clear across the country.
And now…the lessons don’t stop at love. They’re only just beginning. I feel like I’ve learned more in the past year than I have in the previous 5. Hopefully growing to become less selfish, more considerate, and ultimately a reflection of my mate.
Talk about favor…we have favor for days!
Love ya!
-(the former) mamabird
P.s. Deeds says that I need to stop mothering because my friends are grown, and just be a friend I’ve been much happier as a result. You’ll have to find a new name for me now lol.
P.P.S. Ephesians 5:22, 28-31. “Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, even as Christ is head of the church; and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject to Christ, so let wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wife as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it . . . So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church . . . For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh”.
*sigh* sometimes I think I’m not meant.
I’m tip-toeing again.
I just need one day.
I feel like something I’m not. Inside wants out.
So I’m riding in the car with BFFK and Hub-B on the way to college town usa where they met to shoot some engagement photos. They’re the gayest of the gay. As I type they’re in the front seat holding hands prolly tracing “L-O-V-E” in each others palms. Yeah I’m hating lol.
So anyway this ain’t about that. Its about me. I recently purchased 3 books. Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert, Trouble by Jesse Kellerman (per Deeds’ suggestion…I’m normally not a fiction reader but I’m excited to hop into that) and a compilation book of Taoist stories. So I of course start that one first. Its more of a coffee table book, so I’m thumbing through looking at the pictures and reading short quotes. When I ran across one, and I’ll add it in once I can read it verbatum, but it basically said trying to change what is to fit our wants is a vain effort.
So you guys may be wondering why I didn’t post pictures or mention my new car…well I didn’t get one. I couldn’t get what I wanted, and trial after trial arose and I said a batter, broken, and defeated “forget it.” Next, I’d planned to do some things this year regarding working out that…without a car are not going to happen. Next I needed a laptop and I wanted to plan a special Valentine’s Day and simultaneous 6 month anniversary for Deeds and I. Well laptop got ordered finally but won’t be arriving until after Vday. There are other small things, but I just felt like everything I was trying was failing. My plans laid like mud around my ankles caking my skin and trapping me in despair. And I had to get over it. Things just are not always going to go my way. Its not even about me! I’m missing my blessings by not being appreciative of the ones I have. Not celebrating vday doesn’t mean I can’t tell my man I love him. Not having a car doesn’t mean I can’t walk, run, go to class, get to work, etc. I had to snap out of it.
As relayed to Charlotte York by Carrie Bradshaw on the day of her wedding, “YOU’RE MISSING IT!” Ok Lord…I got it, I’m doing better starting now.
Guys I’m tired. Its been a hard day. Add to normal stuff a 103¤ temperature and you have the epitome of tired.
Things I thought I had a handle of, I don’t…and things…well. I guess it just goes in cycles maybe. I’m not sad, persay, I just feel wrong. And I want to get it out and just can’t seem to. Last week I walked to school in the pouring rain and cried and just…you know how you just are waiting, wanting someone to ask you what’s wrong?
I pulled it together though, temporarily. Right now I’m trying SO much and giving so much and I’m just running low. I guess blog will have to be my therapy. Its not as bad as 08…nowhere near. But somedays I just want to sit and cry. Of course I can’t. I am hurting. And I’m not really sure why. I find myself avoiding my family, best friends, my boyfriend…well some nights like tonight I’ll say I’m leaving and I just want him to stop me. But why? That’s not fair I know…why can’t I just say what’s wrong or why can’t I just say I feel sad ?
This distance is killing me.
I need another walk in the rain. But…the sad part is, I just wanted to sit. And let it pour but I couldn’t. I’m SO tired of being strong. But I don’t know how not to be. I can’t even let myself cry right now. I really need a therapist that talks back, blog lol…
I feel like I need counseling. I often feel as though I just need to say things…I need to just verbally talk through things. I don’t need another friend or a “better” friend I need a non reciprocal relationship.
Sometimes I’ll have a problem and I’ll think who I can talk to and I’ll decide on a person and they are unresponsive. Or under-responsive. And I think to myself, why did I even pick you.
My boyfriend is more than enough of a listening ear, but what about when I need to talk about him? I don’t find it appropriate to discuss him with friends. Right now I’m torn between following my heart or my head. Both think the same thing but the heart is selfish. I’m trying to be selfLESS though. I’m saying I’ll hurt if it means you don’t have to.
But is that what I’m saying? I need to talk to someone.
