HAUTE

Bad Ass Stella McCartney grey slouch boots $995

My boyfriend drove me to shopping. LOL not in a bad way though, in a we’re sitting around doing nothing and he’s flipping through a magazine and there was a tribute to Interview’s 40 years and somewhere in that came Grace Jones in metallic boots…wellll thats all it took!  Off to Net-A-Porter.com for Jess!!! Here are my absolute needs (yes needs)  To my left are some wants though lol…I have been wanting some grey boots for quite some time now but I just can’t justify them in my wardrobe.  And they’re too cas to just be uhhh wear these dolo. LOL. I might get some and maybe get some cardigans…*sigh* yall know I’m not trendy!  ANYWAY moving on…

 

HALSTON City suede thigh-high boots $1,895

Ummm two things that would be absolute staples if I had infinite in my closet, Halston and McQueen… I love their stuff but damn the prices!

 

 

 

 

 

ALEXANDER MCQUEEN Slouchy leather calf boots $1,175

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and Just in case I do feel like being cool like you hipsters and getting some flat boots…. (tasty) I gotta go for Chloe!

CHLOÉ Flat over-the-knee boots $1,295

but I dunno…i kinda like the flat plain kind like these

GIUSEPPE ZANOTTI Flat suede boots $975

Now What?!

So I’ve been wanting to write a book for some time now…last night I figured out how I could do just that, right now.  Here’s an excerpt from the intro…I plan on letting you (my blog readers) get sneak peaks as I progress, that actually keeps me accountable lol.  Enjoy!

It is entirely possible that the contents of this book did not actually happen and are a collection of what-ifs and if-thens as I am most assuredly the most neurotic person I know.  However, to the best of my waking knowledge this is a true tale of me as I move through my twenties and the mini-catastrophes that mar these troublesome years.  Told with meticulous accuracy as recalled and recorded in instances of semi-sobriety via written journal record, assorted blog postings, and the newly favored BlackBerry memo note.

As I lay in my bed one rainy November day, skipping my Graduate-level counseling class that costs me approximately $38.10 per meeting, it came to me, I will write a book.  A book of lessons, stories, embarrassments, and accomplishments that define the quarter-life years.  A defining beacon, sort of like what Coco Chanel did for the little black dress, or what Vince Lombardi did for football…and that is not at all audacious.  I was told that my collegiate years would be the best years of my life, by some. By others, the best years would be described as those adult years with your family enjoying financial and personal freedom.  I began to wonder who constituted the “the best years”  cannon and was the poor unfortunate soul who voted for the twenty-something years asked to resign his post on grounds of insufficient wisdom and in general psychosis.  Nobody, including the current population, wants to discuss how incredibly hard it is to be a young adult.  Many of us experience depression and lead lives that can only be described as an invariable morning-after.  If college was a party, then twenty-something is a walk of shame, and all we really want is for the headache to stop and to feel better again.  Stuck in a proverbial hangover, here we stagger clumsily through the motions struggling to make sense of the night before and assess how much damage control is needed.

“Now what ?” Is that not the question on everybody’s minds? What makes it better?  Does marriage? Does family? Does a good paying job? Does back-packing in Europe? When you can do anything it is much easier to do nothing.  Or the thing you have always done.  There lies the caveat.  That which used to work is now outdated.  We know what we used to do, we know what we will do in the future, but what about right now?  This very second.   Now, I am not promising the answer.  This is not a book of philosophy or a how-to guide for twenty-something survival, nor is it a hodge-podge  of erratic ramblings.  What it is…is a synecdoche for quarter-life itself.  It is wondering and knowing, thinking and finding,  concentrated and carefully prepared pot-luck.  It is what it is.  Sometimes that is the only thing you can say.

Ch-Ch-Changes

I wanted something different, so I did something different. Simple right? Is life always like that?  It is. I’m pretty sure I had a mini-quarter life crisis in my room last night and I went, painted a picture…got a lil calm and then I laid down to read.  I’m currently re-tackling Eat. Pray. Love and this one part kind of stopped me and shot to the core right then.  Ah,  before I give you the excerpt…let me first acknowledge how wonderfully mind-blowing that I happen to be reading this book at this time on this day in my life. No coincidence, small miracles happen everyday.  Anyway so…the excerpt, Elizabeth (the author) has traveled to Bali, Indonesia for a work assignment and gets to meet a 9th generation Balinese medicine man this is their exchange:

…When the old man asked me in person what I really wanted, I found other, truer words [than help with boy trouble].  ”I want to have a lasting experience of God,” I told him.  ”Sometimes I feel like I understand the divinity of this world, but then I lose it because I get distracted by my petty desires and fears.  I want to be with God all the time.  But I don’t want to be a monk, or totally give up worldly pleasures.  I guess what I want to learn is how to live in this world and enjoy its delights, but also devote myself to God.”

Ketut said he could answer my question with a picture.  He showed me a sketch he’d drawn once during meditation.  It was an androgynous human figure, standing up, hands clasped in prayer.  But this figure had four legs and no head.  Where the head should have been, there was only a wild foliage of ferns and flowers.  Then there was a small smiling face drawn over the heart.

“To find the balance you want,” Ketut spoke through his translator, “this is what you must become.  You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth that it’s like you have four legs, instead of two.  That way you can stay in the world.  But you must stop looking at the world through your head.  You must look through your heart, instead.  That way, you will know God.”

Tying this all in…To know God is to have peace. Unshakable peace even in the midst of turmoil  Thinking with your heart shows faith.  Faith isn’t logical, it doesn’t make sense sometimes, often really.  So…this time, I’m going to do something different.

wings

It has come to my attention that my feet ache. I can’t really say more than that. *rubs arch* tip toeing…Nikki Giovanni said if you stand on your tip toes you can walk through raindrops. I tried that. I’m wet.
Sometimes I wonder about what’s all the wonder about. Is everyone sitting in wonderment? Am I the lone star gazer? Daydreamer please wake up! Are questions out-dated? Overrated? I ask questions for a living. My ears are starving.
More than anything, ease. If ease comes with ease does it make you uneasy? It does me. I tip toe and wonder and the answer comes easy…I get a bit weak. Can I give it all up? Ease. If it doesn’t take your breath away…
Voids. What fills space but matter? What fills a black hole? Is it ever full? Ironically, the more full it gets the more it takes to get full. Voids. Void of ability? Void of desire? Void of worth? Nothing from nothing leaves nothing, you gotta have something.
Degrees, all 360. What’s the best part? Where do you start? Pieces. Everybody gets one. Not you though, you’ve had enough. Glutton. Save one for me. I’ll take 45. Half right? I’ll take it.

Door #1 Door #2 Door #3

The other day we discussed how sometimes we do things, or engage certain people, because of a lack of choice.  *Excuse* We realized our excuse…because well, there’s always a choice.  You can. Or. You can not.  At the very least, there are always those options.  One of my fellow group members mentioned a friend of hers.  One that was particularly draining and one that wasn’t even really as good of a friend as she pretended she was, and yet…she still hung out with her.  ”The alternative,” my friend said, “is what?”  Its YOU.  Right?  I can be alone, or I can hang out with you and not really be happy.

Melanie Weidner's "Choices" Text: Door #1, Door #2, Door #3 / i just can't make peace with it not mattering so much / i'm automatically nervous / i was trained to pick the best one / wisdom meant knowing which one / only one correct answer / let go of the power of choice or the power of fear / a less interactive destiny is just so much easier

So…I think… I’ll start recognizing my options.

FAIL Friday 10.30.09 HBday WEED

First off Happy Birthday AWeed !!! She Fails nwords daily and hilariously

ON TO IT!

FAIL of the WEEK: WEEZY F.

OK now I’m NOT Failing Weezy in general…I’m just failing him for getting everybody SOOOOOO hyped up by snatchin that “Ice Cream Paint Job” beat and then not doing it justice.

I listened twice because I thought maybe I missed the “Yeah Buddy”  or the “Do it ride good”  but no…it wasn’t there? And before all the weezewhackjobs msg me tal’mbout “it just his VERSION” he kept Will.I.Am in “I got a feeling” (which low-key also deserves a fail).

After I listened to No Ceilings my overall opinion was “I mean I guess”? Question Mark…

 

FAIL to the EXTRA regular chick Nicki Minaj and all of yall lame ass fans. Yup I called ya lame.  Because I thought maybe I’m just being a hater? Maybe I’m distracted because she looks like this–> on purpose…If my Barbie had looked like this I would have a much different life.

That being said she has done just over not shit and somehow everybody rides her uhhh ass? like she’s the XX Hov, uhhh stop. Please.

• FAIL to Vitamin Water being so gat damn tasty and so effin expensive…I’m so addicted to this stuff
• FAIL to owners and wearers of Coach Signature.  This is a personal fail because Coach (last time I checked) was known for LEATHER…so you paid 200 dollars for some canvas? Why?
• FAIL to Kim for getting caught up in lies last night talkin bout she was done with “Poppa” then having him show up and tongue her down on the commercial LOL (Pass to Andy for calling her whack ass out)  And WTF 400 for a synthetic hair wig??  where they doin that at? See..you see why white girls need to just leave it alone?  I swear I’m not racist…but she makes me wanna be.

 

• FAIL to people being stupid ish for Halloween like a used condom, a tampon, bricks, ketchup packets, a floormat, an airfreshner tree, dog food, etc…
• FAIL to YOU if you’re not up on this Melanie Fiona
• FAILto “OchoCinco” for saying Chile please…as a grown ass man…thats so susp.
• FAIL to FrankSki for STILL being on the radio…ugh why?

 

Letter to my E(x)

Countless hours of worrying, wondering, thinking, debating, hoping, praying, writing…spent on you. Us. Worrying that I’d made a mistake. Wondering if we were really meant.  Thinking that it would work out with time.  Debating on how long I should hold on.  Hoping you’d come around.  Praying for a sign as to what I should do.  Writing poem after poem after poem about what was.  Its a hard pill to swallow, because this is the end of a loooong thing. We can’t be friends because we don’t know how to be.  Blurred those lines back in 03…and 05…and 08.  I look back now and see that I settled.  Not for you, but for how you treated me.  Which is probably why things wound up as they did.  Asking God for a sign and he gave me 3000 miles and months without anything and yet I’m still asking. Fuck…I wasn’t trying to give you up.  *shrug*  But.  Now. And I say this with 100% sincerity, I wish you well and I hope you one day find what I’ve found.  I’ve loved you for so long I don’t know how not to.  You were there, literally, when I couldn’t go to others and I’m forever grateful.  But.  I can’t.  I can feel you changing towards me.  I won’t give him up for you, noooo way.  And don’t feel bad. We were both at fault. It was what it was, and now…it just can’t be.

-the stars are always yours.

Jess

No Ceilings…

Aight so yall know I’m iffy on rap…and I’m not about to get on here and ride Weezy peen but on the really real low-key 100 tip…this 1 got me hype like I’d NEVER heard the beat before lol (sorry Gucci)  but here’s Wayne’s Wasted if you want the entire mixtape go HERE …I’ma cop a couple-a-mo mixtapes while I’ m in the mood…anything pop off I’ll let yall know. OHHHHH here’s a song that I didn’t think I’d like but uhh LOL I do *Ignant shit alert* Jagged Edge feat. Trina and Gucci Mane “Moments in Love (Tip of my tongue)”

Hold my mule (while I shout)

Aight, so I feel like anyone reading lately probably thinks I’m crazy and/or depressed. I was just goin through (as the old folks call it) but check this out…so I quit my job because I slick can’t take it anymore…its really hard with my workload for school. Anyway so I quit and will be done in Dec. Well this means no more free apartment :-/ laaaame. So now I have to grow up and get a big girl apartment. Well that takes cash flow. So I’d been applying to jobs and for Graduate Assistantships (because they are stipend w/benefits positions). Well yesterday I went up to turn in an updated resume for a GA position and the Department Head let me know she’d selected me to be a GA. Woot Woot! I have a job! With benefits! And waived tuition!

Now…to find an apartment. This January I have to just suck it up and buy a new car, I’m not looking forward to that expense. I’m thinking I will just buy something dependable that’ll last me at least 5 years (through my PhD) because after I get that Dr. In front of my name its a wrap and I’m getting a Lexus or a BMW (seriously…they really are the ultimae driving machines).

Anyway cue N. E. R. D’s *Things are getting better* and celebrate life with me!

Dear Diary,

I wanted to write a post to follow up my anger (I got over it pretty quickly) instead…a page from my journal:

I’m writing to keep from screaming to keep from breaking down in the middle of the floor and crying my eyes out. My main thing is…its cold. If you can’t be comfortable at home, where can you be comfortable? Then to make matters worse, I’m stuck here. Stuck because I have no car. Story of my life. I said I would commit myself to a day of schoolwork but there’s none to do. Deeds is in a bad mood…last night I made him upset in telling him I needed more from him. (Its always something, he says, not from you but from everybody). I can’t even be mad at that. The whole thing was fucked and uncomfortable…I think I was having a moment. I just feel stagnant. I’m not working towards anything right now. Things are easy and that’s boring and the things I WANT to change, I can’t.
I don’t want to talk to anybody (surprise, surprise). Mainly because I don’t want them to talk back. That’s -i think- the best part of therapy. You unload your burdens and DON’T have to hear that of others. I hate that Deeds has become that for me. I don’t like complaining. I don’t like talking things out. I don’t like being open. Sometimes I want to retreat. But I need him.
Somehow in loving him my faith grows stronger. That’s good though right? “A womans heart should be so hidden in Christ…” I am letting the world get to me and I need not. I am loved. By not only my Father who art in Heaven but by a wonderful man here on earth. I am fed, clothed, safe, why am I complaining? Because I can’t have my way, because things aren’t what I want right now. I have to remember its all things according to *His* will, not mine. And He will provide me with not only my needs but the desires of my heart. He has. My desire was someone…to love and who loved me-without pretense or condition. That is my joy. *sigh* this is why I write. To refocus. To think. To see laid out what the real problems are.
So my conditions are the same…my mindset, my vantage point, I in these moments have changed. Who says there are no miracles? Choose to see them.