So for my program we have to go to therapy sessions…of course I can’t talk about whats discussed all together, but I can talk about what some of my “issues” are…I’m focusing on why I get so damn bored in relationships. I’ve narrowed the issue down to I get bored because I don’t allow the relationships to mature past superficiality; i.e. intimacy issues. Great. Well I knew that. So now what?
Last week I told her that I don’t have boyfriends, I prefer to them as +1s because you know…if you R.S.V.P. then its you +1…meaning I just want a guy on my arm when I need one. She asks, “Do you call them +1s because you feel complete without them or because you’re afraid of becoming 1 with someone else.” This effed my mind up all damn weekend. Am I? IDK. I always say that I’m not committment phobic, I’m committment cautious. But uuuuh am I? She also said that it seems that I only trust people with bits and pieces of me and that I’m never truly vulnerable. This is very true. I own it. But where I thought it was just in romantic relationships she helped me realize that its in friendships too. Crazy…like what the hell am I being so strong for?
Its just me…I don’t know how to be anything but that. So I’m sitting here, now, thinking…how can I be more trusting? strengthen those already pre-established relationships? I mean because I’m not currently in a romantic relationship…or maybe be open to one of those? IDK!? Whats the protocol captain? And for all the things I’ve learned in each situation I’ve been in, none of them have made me want to necessarily put myself out there more. You know? Like..none have been me looking back thinking “if I had just opened up more…” Like they just weren’t it LOL. I’ma keep a “blog journal” of how the rest of these sessions go and if I make any revelations…who knows guys..
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