Blog browsing the other night lead me to my friend Lucy’s latest post, “Take control of your body (naked part 3)” and her thoughts on sex, sexual health, and celibacy.  I found it  pretty ironic because a post about the latter had been marinating in my head for about two weeks.  I’d decided that I was done with it, sex that is.  I was done until I found the person I was going to marry (and we were on that path) for a variety of reasons but the main two being 1) I cannot afford to be irresponsible while I’m working towards this degree (selfish, yes but I’m owning my selfishness) and 2) It is way way WAY too taxing emotionally.  Just imagine if you can what sexual intimacy feels like for someone who can already feel people without even touching them?  Its a lot, and at this point in my life I have 0 interest in it.

I think, also, that I’m supposed to be focused right now on my relationship with God.  That’s the only way I’ve been making it lately, and that is not to say that I couldn’t do that and have sex (which for me would mean being in a loving, committed, monogamous relationship) but I am not willing to divide my attention right now.  When I feel differently I will make some changes.  I read recently:

The more an individual is capable of living alone, the more prepared one would be for an affectionate relationship.  Solitude is fine, being alone is not shameful. On the contrary, it dignifies a person.  Affectionate relationships are great, they are quite similar to being alone, if nobody demands anything from each other, then both may flourish. Relationships of domination and exaggerated concessions are things of the last century. (source)

I think about why Oprah told Barbara Walters she never got married, she said that she didn’t want to start expecting things, and with that title of husband comes a lot of expectations.  Whether we mean to expect or not.  I definitely got too expectant in my last relationship. I lost that sense of independence that I used to love about myself.  I don’t want to lose that again.  And I’m not willing to give pieces of myself away to randoms and that’s how I see casual sex.  So here we go down this road of celibacy, I suppose.  I haven’t thought twice about it being some great vow or some great statement.  But I suppose its a major one.   I’m worth waiting for, and definitely worth being earned.