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I was driving home the other night when a song that reminded me of E came on. As I sang along two conversations occurred in my head. One in which I thought of him and us and our laughter, and another where I laid to rest those sounds and continued on up the 805.

I had a dream the night before of my wedding, my beautifully romantic Christmas wedding. My maids in white again the smell of trees and sweet berries. I remembered more this time. I remembered Kim, Ken, Jennie, Jewels, Tre, and Trin with me. Praying with me and standing with me. Laughing and toasting to love and laughter. I never walked down the aisle, but they were with me.

If I think about what it was like to love before I remember, more than anything the effort. The trials and the battles, the compromise. It wasn’t right. And more than I knew anything about my partners, I knew how I was going about the business of love was wrong. I imagine it needs to be as all meant things are, effortless. Divinely crafted and seemingly coincidental, only…not. I took this photo of myself before I went out last night.

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I looked at my body. My belly cleverly hidden in my billowy, and feminine XL top. My thighs squeezed into shape in my size 20 jeans. I studied my curves and my twa hidden under a flowy lace front. I applied a thin layer of MAC “Media” and I love myself despite it all; and perhaps because of it all. I’ve never looked in the mirror and felt even remotely effortlessly in love with my reflection. The truth was not hidden from me, I knew what was there. And I was not hiding, obviously as I’m baring it all now. I was proud to take me out. Now if I’m lucky enough to find another who makes me feel the way I felt about my reflection last night…

And when I think back, I can reconcile a question I’ve pondered; yes I loved him. I loved him with every broken piece of me, however now that I am whole I want a whole love. There is nothing wrong with admitting that to yourself or to the world. I am not counting down the days or waiting with baited breath, I am living my life, fully. And when the time is right, it will be. Settling for self isn’t exactly settling. I feel incredibly blessed to be in a place where I can recognize and truly believe that.

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