Yesterday when I woke up I knew I wanted my palm read. My first reading was more card pulling than palm reading and I know that energy can shift…I felt like I had made a shift and I wondered more about it. So in a round about way, I ended up in Balboa park forking over $10 to an Indian clairaudiant.
Before I sat she told me about herself. As she rattled off her stories of incredible proximity to improbable phenomenon I thought to myself, when she touches me, I’ll know. And she did, and I did. She felt like a barely moving river; thick glass surface with ripping currents and bellowing life just beneath. I felt all of time as she navigated my hand with her own.
You’re going to live just past 85, you’ll get sick around 62 but it won’t take you out–you’ll get weaker though. She made mention of it being the same thing my mother and grandmother deal with: diabetes. Nausea crept up into my throat and I was suddenly very aware of just how much I hate that disease. Next she spoke of my career, how it will change twice. I followed her gaze and silently agreed, well yes. Academic to writer, and writer to…I am not quite sure what to call myself other than a servant. Each career change taking a bigger and bolder step into my calling.
I see lots of travel here, have you begun to travel? I laughed and told her I’d just gotten back from a trip, she said mm and there are more. My heart did not soar the way it used to when I thought of travelling. Not because I am less excited by it, but perhaps because it is no longer lingering over my head reminding me of what I perceived as some sort of social deficiency. I realize how silly that may sound, but for a long time it was my truth. And it took my trip to realize that nothing really ever gives you validation–there are always those with more and those with less and you have to be okay with where you fall.
Romance…you’ve had three loves, but they are fading away in order to make room for your great love. You’re a romantic and love the love story. You believe in love at first sight, you’ll only be married once and your husband will be sensitive to you, caring and protective. She said all the things I am afraid to really want. I guess it boils down to vulnerability. What if I admit I want it and don’t get it? But honestly, is it any secret? This notion of a great love…when I breathe it smells like sunshine and makes me smile from my liver. Oh, she said, you have a weakness for beautiful men, better looking than average. Be careful of that because it wont ever go away. Nail on head. She continued, they are beautiful and pull you in, then they hurt you and when you pull away you retreat completely. You just said a mouthful there, Sister.
Its one part me, I love beautiful things. I like flowers, fashion, and art, and dance, and colors…why should men be any different? And its one part insecurity, because it obviously says something about me if I am able to capture (and hold) the attention of coveted men, right? And I’m working on that. I don’t want to be defined by things or people outside of myself. I don’t want to measure my own self worth by my affiliations…
Which begets a Sidebar. Some of you know I was finally going to pursue Sorority X. Their alumnae chapter was having a line and I had all the connections keeping me informed. Well, 5 days after I leave for South America they had the rush meeting. So I missed it. You cannot imagine the devastation and the heartbreak. At one point I said, I wish I’d not made it on my own accord versus something like this awful happenstance. Then I think, no…because I needed to know that there is nothing wrong with me. That it was just not time. That I am not any less of an incredible woman because of my lack of sorority affiliation. And while that lesson was painful, it is perhaps the only way I could have really learned it.
And I knew it. I had a feeling I was not going to do it a month ago. Which leads me back to my reading. She pointed out stars in my palm, stars she says which indicate psychic and intuitive abilities. Everyone has intuition, she explained, but yours is heightened. Its strong. Oh I know it is, its how I knew she was a piece of my truth.
The last bits of interest were about my life. I will have fame and fortune that I do not want. Again, nail on head. However, she said, it will allow you to provide and so you’ll accept it. Also, I’ll have one child. She said, I see an undeveloped line for a child and another strong one. And she paused and looked at me and I knew. I could feel her not saying it, loss. But the one will be a joy to you, she said. And you’ll always have people around you, people who love you, but you keep a smaller circle than it seems. You really only nurture 2-3 relationships at a time. Not because you don’t want to, but because it takes too much energy.
She gets me.
I paid my bill, and added a tip and she turned my hand over and looked. She commented on my artistic nature…my creativity and my intellect. My stubbornness and heels I dig in the sand. And she sent me on my way.
And while people may not agree with how I choose to spend my Saturday afternoons…I have decided I can’t care in 2013. I’ve resolved that in addition to surrender, I will not be accepting poison in the form of negativity when it is offered to me. I will acknowledge it for what it is, call it by its name and go the other way. Something she didn’t tell me was how familiar I have become with myself. Which, ironically, was how I could appreciate her gift to me and accept it with earnest.
I suppose it is time to make amends with the dreams that scare me. Because now they’re not so secret, the mystics know.