28 Day Challenge

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw

-Day 28: When things don’t go as planned how do you react? Taking into account the entire experience do you think you have become more flexible?

I try to go back to my personal mantra:

Breathe. Yield to God, always. Answer with love. Remember your purpose was written, as are all things.

It doesn’t always work lol…but I can at least remember to breathe, and that has gotten me far far away from the anxiety I used to feel.  What a blesesing!  I can honestly say that this challenge and the entirety of 2011 to date has been so good for my spirit and something I’ll forever keep with me. I absolutely am more patient, with others and with myself.  That patience allows for flexibility, but the funny thing is when you let go, things go how they should naturally.  Novel huh?

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw

-Day 27: What do you do to relax? When was the last time you did it?

Mmm relaxing to me is tough because I’m bored after a few hours of doing nothing. My preference would be to be with a few friends but not really doing anything in particular.  I haven’t done that in two weeks, but when it came it came right on time.

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw

-Day 26: What does it feel like to say “No” ?

AMAZING! I’ve gotten pretty good at it, and its so necessary. I’ve become very unapologetic about taking the time I need for me and saying NO to emotional vamps.  I’ve also stopped trying to “fix” things that aren’t mine to fix.

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw

-Day 25: How balanced are you? (Work|Play) (Mom|Wife) (Sister|Daughter) think of your roles and how much time is dedicated to each.

I think that I am pretty balanced. The thing I really have been slacking on lately is *sister*.  I try to see my sisters about 2x a week, but that time isn’t really quality time.  Its tough when you work basically 8am-8pm.  I am going to make sure to make time for them this summer before I leave for Cali.  Work and play is also severely unbalanced. I’ve been giving everything to work and rest leaving little time for play.  I got out last weekend and it was sooooo wonderful to be around people that rejuvenate my spirit. I needed that and I wish I had been taking that time throughout grad school.

Habit 6: Synergize

-Day 24: Does your group have similar goals as you? What does your group say about YOU?

I would say so, in general. My friends are pretty ambitious which I would consider myself. I can say that very few are passion driven though, and I would definitely consider myself to be that. Some are younger than me and so I figure they’ll get there in time, and a few are older and starting to sort through their own muck to discover their passions. I honestly think that most people do, and will always, live in fear and would rather predictable comfort than to live a passion driven life that may include failure. I’m not that girl. When I find those people I relish in it because I find it so inspiring! They are few and far between though. My group says more about the person I am, my heart than anything else. Which is a good thing. We are all giving and selfless and thoughtful people.

Habit 6: Synergize

-Day 23: Consider the communication between your group, in what ways do you think it can improve?

Some of my friends are HORRIBLE listeners. Horrible. You can call them to tell them a story and they will steer the direction of the conversation back to them, every single time. Other friends are not very good sharers and would prefer not to talk about themselves at all. I think I’ve given up on trying to improve it lol and just learned who I can go to in certain types of situations. When something is wrong I will always turn to a handful of people over the others. I’m not sure if that’s the best solution but its the one that works.

Habit 6: Synergize

-Day 22: 1+1=∞ …In your family, how do you think support helps each member to realize his or her potential? What more could you be doing to encourage innovation? People are volunteers. You want them to contribute their greatest, unique contribution.

Really I try to be the best support I can to my sisters in terms of their dreams and aspirations. My family can be a tough one and in many ways I feel like an outsider for doing some of the things I do, but I’ve always felt a general concensus of support from them even if they think I’m weird or making a mistake. I want to get to a position in my own life where my sisters are not limited in their options, especially financially. I don’t want them to feel anything is out of reach for them. Ever.

Habit 6: Synergize

-Day 21: At work (or school) or any situation where you work in a group think of how well (or poorly) you work together, describe it.

Honestly I’ve got to say that I’m pretty lucky to work in the environment that I do, all of my coworkers are amazing. I think its a bit of an unfair advantage this time because I work at a counseling office so listening and understand are apart of our daily work habits (this doesn’t mean we don’t have to work at it though!). And it also doesn’t mean its a given; it just means that we’re all trained and capable. In any case, I’ve had pretty positive experiences with group work both at work and in my classes, some more synergized than others. I think the main thing that makes a group great is when everyone plays to their strengths. If you’re good at something, DO that thing, don’t try to do everything just stay in your lane. That’s how good groups become great in my experience.

Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood

-Day 20: Ask your partner (or best friend) to describe your listening skills. If you find yourself wanting to interrupt or debate, don’t! Simply listen to what they say no matter how much you disagree, and then ask them how you think you can improve, then LISTEN to the answer. Write about the experience.

I asked Deeds to tell me how I listened, he said “well.” I asked him if he felt heard when he talked to me and he said, “yup.” See where this is going? Lol. Anyway…I’ll speculate that I’ve gotten to be a much better listener (rather than a wait-to-speak-er) over the past two years simply because of my job and my relationship. Both call for me to be a patient and skillful listener. I’ve even started using my therpeutic listening with friends because I realize that people don’t want a problem solver just an ear. So I’ll be that.

Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood

-Day 19: Think of the person you tell everything to, what makes them that person? What can you stand to learn from them?

Listening and positivity. They always lead me back to God too, which recenters me and lets me relax because in faith there’s peace. What I’ve understood about my “people” is that they are wonderful, and a blessing. I just want to be as good to them as they are to me.

Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood

-Day 18: Have a conversation without talking. This may be a HUGE challenge for some, but don’t give advice/warning/scolding/soothing, just listen and leave all decisions and judgments to the person.

Teehee I do this everyday.

Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood

-Day 17: Do you know what’s going on with the people you earlier identified as the most important in your life? Ask them!

I’ve been so bad about this lately…mostly because of time and being busy; but that says a lot about what my actions are identifying as my priorities. (thinks back to habit 3). I’ll do a friendship check in right now.

Habit 4: Think WIN-WIN

-Day 16: Have you previously been selfish? Have you previously been the martyr? How do you think things will get better when you adopt a win-win attitude?

I thought that I was a selfish person. Deeds was actually the first person to challenge that; he thought I was pretty selfless. As it turns out I was giving a LOT of myself in relationships and had a big problem with saying “no” and not becoming too invested in OPS. I’ve done better though, in recent years. I think I realized that the best friend you can be is an unconditionally supportive one that will be there. People need to discover their own strength and by being the martyr you rob them of that. That’s a true win-win.

Habit 4: Think WIN-WIN

-Day 15: Personally define compromise vs. sacrifice.

Compromise is giving up something small for something greater. Sacrifice is giving up something great for something immediate.

Habit 4: Think WIN-WIN

-Day 14: Who is your support system (at home/ at work)? How do you support them, and how do they support you?

My support system, quite honestly, comes from God, me (and its important that I acknowledge myself as such) Deeds, family and friends. I have a lot of support. It may not come how I want it but it is always there. I have surrounded myself with people that support me unconditionally, and perhaps that’s intentional because…well I know what it is like not to feel support. I didn’t always used to let them support me, Deeds was the first. I need them all though, and I love them all. Immensely.

Habit 4: Think WIN-WIN

-Day 13: Have you previously done things out of spite, fear, or malice? What were the consequences?

Yes, out of spite I turned away a lot of help. My reasoning for that is because I sorely needed to prove (to others and to myself) that I could do it on my own. Do I regret that I was so stubborn? No, actually. I think that despite my unhealthy mindset the situation worked ask a win-win. I got to discover my own strength and those offering help had to find new ways to support me…some didn’t. Fear is powerful but love is even MORE powerful. No more acting out of anything except love.

Habit 3: Put first things first “the things which matter most must never be at the mercy of the things which matter least”

-Day 12: What would/does it feel like to only focus on the important things, and leave the things of little importance alone?

It feels like you’re more full…more whole. When I find myself truly in the moment and being in touch with myself I feel bigger than my body and connected like I am truly in my walk and in my place. There’s no better way to describe it really.

Habit 3: Put first things first “the things which matter most must never be at the mercy of the things which matter least”

-Day 11: Identify the things of little importance that you find yourself giving too much attention?

Being busy doing nothing. Quite honestly, there’s so much I could do in a given day to be productive, proactive and positive yet it falls between the cracks. It used to be other people. I would get very invested in other people’s problems and I would neglect my own. Perhaps the distraction was a defense mechanism. In any case–now I get caught up in planning instead of appreciating my moments. That not being present leaves me with many a missed opportunity. Everything matters less than right now; and that’s what I need to remember.

Habit 3: Put first things first “the things which matter most must never be at the mercy of the things which matter least”

-Day 10: How will you making this change impact the important things/people in your life?

Its vital that I make this change because…its killing me. My thoughts are poison they just take over everything and cause everything to just go wrong. I’m in bad head space right now. Writing this is torturous. We’ll just say that it will move us uphill. Me uphill.

Habit 3: Put first things first “the things which matter most must never be at the mercy of the things which matter least”

-Day 9: Identify the most important things in your life and acknowledge their priority in your life.

God is the most important thing in my life. Next is myself. Sometimes I wonder how much I believe that. I want to be though. I need to be. I know and understand that if I don’t take care of myself then I can’t take care of anyone else in my life. My sisters, my mother, my boyfriend…those relationships are as good as they could be if I’m not operating at my very best. Me. I need to work on me. (repeat)

Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind

-Day 8: Draft your personal mission statement:

Breathe. Yield to God, always. Answer with love. Remember your purpose was written, as are all things.

The summation of everything I need to guide my life. Sometimes I get overwhelmed, that is often when I am furtherest out of touch with my faith. That is why breathe was first. When I breathe I recenter myself and I become still. I can then think more clearly how to proceed. My next step is to yield to God. He must be the head of my life and the cornerstone for every decision I make. In that stillness that is when I can connect spiritually. Answer with love was next that is how I want to navigate my life, though love. I don’t want to act out of fear, develop relationships out of obligation or pursue interest out of popularity. I want everything I do to be done out of love. Lastly, to remember [my] purpose was written, as are all things, is my reminder that things will be as they are supposed to be. I am not in control of anything, God is. He wrote this story far before I breathed my first breath, and all things according to His will. And then…I breathe. Repeat.

Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind

-Day 7: What does the you you want to be look like?

Today one of my best friends told me that I was idealistic and naive. Earlier though, I told Deeds that sometimes I feel like a child. I think, though, I prefer this me. The me that chooses to find the good in situations and is ignorant to “reality”. The me that believes the impossible is possible and that imagination is the blueprint for innovation. I don’t ever want to be burdened by limits again. The me I want to be is limitless and has infinite potential. So, I guess that is a grown up me with a childlike spirit.

Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind

-Day 6: What has been holding you back from tackling this before now? How many other things have you been thinking about changing but postponed? Think about your past accomplishments, how did you get to the end before?

What has been holding me back…what a loaded question. Well, the shortest but truest answer is that for a long time I thought there must be something wrong with me. The only way to rectify that is to be perfect. I’m not sure if it was a conscious decision I made to strive for perfection, but I had ideas in my head of what “perfect” meant and I worked hard to be those things. I was driven by negativity. To change my entire mindset now is extremely difficult but so worth it. So, what’s been holding me back is me, my own limited understanding of motivation and drive.

How many things have I been thinking of changing? I’m not a woman who thinks without doing. Every single thing I’ve wanted I’ve worked for and gotten. Without exception. If I want something I pursue it doggishly with narrowed vision. You can’t tell em ANY-thing when I want something. This, because it is mental, is difficult for me because I have to change the way I go about wanting change. That’s…momumental. Getting to an end before was never a problem because to me it was getting me to perfection. Now, I’m not trying to be perfect I’m just wanting to be and to enjoy being. I’m working hard on undoing.

Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind

-Day 5: In the end, what do you think you stand to gain by changing?

MY LIFE!!! When I think negatively I am in a constant state of nonacceptance. I thing whatever *is* should be bigger/stronger/faster/longer/better/all the -ers. When I think negatively I’m saying that essentially I am not -er enough. A will never a long as I leave forget the post ENOUGH! on Peace, Love, Pretty Things:

What I have discovered though, in the past couple of years, is that I am enough. I had to be broken down and stripped of everything I thought was important. I had to lose and lose and lose and lose in order to make a decision that I didn’t intend to live life as a loser. It was time to figure out who I was, what I wanted, and how I was going to get it. The days of comparing myself to others were over because I realized they weren’t going through my struggle and I hadn’t gone through theirs. (source)

I stand to gain everything. My peace, my happiness, my joy, love, faith, hope, passion…just everything. Last night I met a guy who was telling me how he had spent his last four years working and was now quitting to travel throughout Asia and Europe he said to me, “You just have to do it. There’s never going to be time enough. Gotta do it right now!” It struck me…and even though he was talking about travel; really he was talking about everything. Wasn’t he?

Habit 1: Be Proactive–Get out of victimism – You’re not a victim of your circumstances.

Day 4: How does it feel to begin to make changes in your life? How long have you been wanting to work erasing this habit from your life?

If I may used borrowed words…

Here is the letter I wrote to No One in Particular who is hoping to be Someone Special and creating a weight problem in the meantime:

…Even when you become Something because they were right, you really were Going Places–even when you arrive at being Someone because you are where you were going–your life may not be any better if you haven’t learned to be awake, alive, now. To take this moment for what it is. It’s just as easy to be miserable when you are Someone Special as when you are No One in Particular. Because even Someone Special still has to live in her own skin and deal with boredom, rejection, loneliness, disappointment. Even Someone Special comes home and night and does what the Nobodies do: falls asleep alone. You might as well learn how to pay attention now. How to inhabit the life you’ve chosen. How to take up every inch of your skin. Occupy the space in this body you were given. It’s your place. Only yours.

The write Annie Dillard says, “How you spend your days is how you spend your life.” Be unwaveringly honest. Ask yourself how you want to spend your days…The singer Pearl Bailey said, ‘People see God every day; they just don’t recognize Him.” What if every day was a chance to see a new version of God? What if what you needed was right in front of you and you were not recognizing it?

You already have everything you need to be content. Your real work, despite the corporate ladder you are climbing, is to do whatever it takes to realize that. And then it won’t matter if you’re Someone Special or No one in Particular because you’ll be fully alive in every moment–which is, I imagine, all you ever wanted from Going Places to be Someone.

Or from being thin (Geneen Roth “Women Food and God, pg 61-62).

I feel like I just wrote myself that letter. How long have I been waiting? TOO long.

Habit 1: Be Proactive–Get out of victimism – You’re not a victim of your circumstances.

-Day 3: Think of a healthy, more desirable habit to replace your old habit with.

In case it was not clear yesterday I’ve decided to change my challenge from “working out” to “positive thinking”. Giving myself credit for the things I have worked hard for, acknowledging (constructively) my areas of improvement, and give myself the support I need to obtain any goals (including fitness goals) that I want to reach. Something pretty important that I have learned is that all good things have to come from a good place. Softness overcomes hardness, and I cannot force myself to do something and expect lasting results. I have to be patient with myself, support myself, love myself, and most importantly accept myself as I am.

Why do I have to change? I’d ingested this “truth” that people who look a certain way were more deserving of good things in life. So then when I have good things but don’t look that way it is incongruent and I must not deserve what I have. How did I get it? It must be luck! NO! I’m not lucky, I am blessed, and I work hard. I am a good person and I sew good seeds that is why I bear good fruit. And it does not make me arrogant to be aware and acknowledge that. I am a good person, I have a good life, and I deserve it.

Habit 1: Be Proactive–Get out of victimism – You’re not a victim of your circumstances.

-Day 2: Notice every time you find yourself wanting to indulge in your old behavior

Set my alarm for 6:30am this morning just so I don’t get out of the habit of waking up early while I’m on spring break. Told myself last night I’d workout at 7. Instead I rolled over. I didn’t even think twice about it, I was tired so I just went back to sleep. Here it is now 10am and I’m sitting on the couch excited because Rachel Getting Married is onDemand. It’s safe to say I have already begun the negative self talk. In my head I’ve already failed. The day isn’t even halfway over and I’ve berated myself back into that corner. Great.

I’m starting to make connections. Right now I’m financially stressed as well, I have a lot of graduation costs coming up and no clue as to how I’m going to make it all work. I have been telling myself not to worry. It will all work out because it always does, but there’s a knot in my stomach. I’m telling myself I shouldn’t have gone out with JM last weekend, I shouldn’t have gone out for BD’s Bachelorette weekend, I shouldn’t have spent so much money in LA…things that are already over and done with and I’m pissed at myself which makes me want to do nothing. Because it seems when I do things they are the wrong things. I can’t seem to take care of myself well enough. Something always goes wrong. I try to plan and be responsible and budget but my money was better when I was drinking myself into an oblivion.

When I want to do nothing its because I feel like I can’t do what I want to do. To be honest its hard. It’s hard to be lonely in this bubble of academia but hard to try and socialize on a scholar’s budget. It’s hard to wake up at 6am to workout and then work from 8-5, have class from 5-8 and come home do work, spend time with Deeds and go to bed. It’s difficult to feel like I’m ever doing a good enough job. Giving myself credit was never something I was good at. However, like the quote says, I’m not a victim of my circumstances. I guess by not changing things I’m volunteering to stay in this…this samsara of my on making. How do you push past the hurt though? Does it ever stop? Do you ever really truly feel good enough, like you deserve the things you want?

I don’t care if people understand or not, I just want it to be better. I just want to be better. I need to think of what works. Then I need to do it. I’m not a victim at all, I’m just…confused. Stuck somewhere in between knowing what’s right and indulging in what’s wrong closer to the latter. It’s hard but its not impossible.

Habit 1: Be Proactive–Get out of victimism – You’re not a victim of your circumstances.

-Day 1: Think of something you want to change or improve.

Even though for the past few months I’ve been becoming more patient, but I think for the purposes of this challenge I want to focus on my willingness to be lazy. I’m not sure what else you would call it, because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me but for some reason (fill in the blank excuse) I can’t seem to get a regular exercise regime happen. I will give myself some credit here and say that I’ve been losing weight by eating better. However, I need to become active. I think about how my choices now help to shape my future. I think about how no matter how much I try to deny or avoid the truth of the situation, the fact remains that I want to be a wife and a mother and I’m potentially hindering the latter dream by being overweight. I never really thought about it like that. Perhaps I need to more often.

A while back, Deeds asked me what my goal was and I told him I didn’t have a specific one, I just wanted to be able to run/jump/play and be active. I think its time that I come up with one though. While the abstract is good, its too difficult to hold myself accountable in the end. Arguably, I can run/jump/play right now. There’s nothing physically wrong with me, I can get outside and run around right now. So, lets say that I want to get in at least 5 hours of exercise a week. This is not including walking to work or class, this is time that is specifically set aside for exercising my body and mind.

It doesn’t matter anymore to me how I got this way; and by that I mean the initial specific trigger. The fact of the matter is that I got here. I am here, and I don’t want to be anymore. So, I (the me that lives inside of me, the me the outer me is working towards) grabbed my (the physical me that I am right now, the one who has not been strong enough to not indulge in excuses) hand and said, “Lets go.” In my head that’s the only way it makes sense. I have to be the one that helps myself. I have to be patient with myself, I have to be strong enough [for myself]. It’s a revolution of me.