We found ourselves broken at the same time.  Hating relationships and lovehating men at the same time.  Being attracted to all the wrong things drunk off champagne and high on glitter.  That was us and we complemented each other nicely.  It all started with a mutual love of gossip and late night dominos, and something of a sisterhood grew behind that wooden desk on that old moldy sofa nestled in the nook under the mailboxes haunted by the so-called ghost.  Since then its grown stronger, watered by tears and fed by laughter our friendship flowered and released a scent that begs you to point your head to the sunshine and twirl carelessly.  That’s kind of how we prefer to live, without a care in the world even when there are many.

So when I said to her, “I want to see a shaman.” It was no surprise to me that she agreed and wanted to see one too.  As it was no surprise to her when I told her the intensity at which I feel others, especially her.  She asked me once what her color was and I told her lavender, but the truth is she is many colors and more than that she is a feeling of home.  Somewhere nestled beneath fields of lavender under a warm sunset there is a breeze that dances just like she does.

I know that many things may happen in this life. We will love and we will lose love but we will not lose each other, my sister and I.  For as much as she is the fields of blossoms I am the breeze and so we give each other reason when all else feels mundane.  An entire landscape and an entire horizon we are so much more than we think we are sometimes.  Here’s to the condor so that we may see the bigger picture.

I met up with Nama last night and was telling her the following:

• I made the safe choice by choosing school, but I know that it is where I am supposed to be (for many reasons).
• I keep getting told (repeatedly) that my written work will be significant.
• I keep wanting to get closer to the ocean, even as close as I am it is not close enough.

This entire year I have felt like I am on the verge of something. I know I am not wrong…

Well, I told her all about E and that whole debacle and then I told her about Deeds and she asked if I would ever be in a relationship with either again and I said a very firm, “No,” and in my head I made a distinction between friendly platonic relationship and romantic relationship…both got “no” to the latter, but only Deeds got “no” to being friends as well.

This morning I was discussing Kim and Kourtney take New York with Cleo and she commented on how annoying she thought Kim was, saying that she only felt Kim made up with Khloe was to talk about Kris.  I disagreed, and in large part because ever since I read Kim’s open letter I’ve felt very close to this story. I know what its like to feel angry at no one in particularly (but mainly yourself) and to take it out on everyone else, I know the hangover that comes from those intoxicating lies we tell ourselves and I know how hard it is to do what’s right for you no matter what.  To say, no…its not you exactly but we just don’t belong together and to feel the need to offer no further explanation.

When I broke up with Deeds…I knew it was several months overdue. I cried but mostly because I was embarrassed at how long I let it go on.  He was hurt, and I felt like I hurt him because I knew it wasn’t right and that it hadn’t been right for quite some time.  I laid in bed and I remember texting BFFT and telling him what was happening and while I guess it was likely supremely rude of me to do so, we carried on a fairly normal conversation after that which made me laugh and it was probably the biggest indicator that I’d done the right thing.  There was no crying after the night when I did it.  There was no looking back.  Maybe, I thought after my convo with DMom, his purpose was to get me to California as there is no doubt in my mind I’m supposed to be here right now.  And if that’s the biggest thing that came from us, then it was worth it.  After it was all over I prayed to God that I never be too afraid to let go of something that wasn’t right for me again.

What an odd thing to pray for.  I mean, why would we hold on to things that aren’t right for us?  Mostly because we think we should want them.  We have this picture of ourselves in our head and that person is the type of person who has all the things we hold but don’t desire.  When we let go of that picture we can let go of those things.  The picture I held for myself was that I was incapable of loving someone properly. So I put up with way too much because everything that went wrong I blamed on myself and my brokenness.  When it seeped in that I was not this shattered broken being, then I didn’t need to hold on to that relationship anymore.

So that’s why we can’t ever be friends. At least in my opinion.  Because he only knows the me that needed and I am not that person anymore.  It’s funny because so many people, and maybe even him would describe me as fiercely independent, but the fact is that during that time I was coming off the roughest time in my life to date and just trying to find center again.  I needed a lot.

So will my next be my last? Only time will tell, but I do know the next will not come at the hands of great personal effort.  It will just have to happen, kind of accidentally on purpose. Like all the best things do.

All last year I worked on patience and this year time is the one thing I am working hard to find.  So…I ask for time from you all…until i find some.

Sidebar: mom talks are one of my favorite things in the world mostly because I love the wisdom they offer.  I sit and talk to my mom when I’m home and she always offers advice for my friends when they come over. I am always in awe of how spot on right she ends up being. I guess people don’t just that much, just the times…so she can usually pick good people vs. not-so-good people and tell you how a story is going to unfold lightyears before it does.  Or maybe its just a mom superpower.

Currently I love my mom and my relationship, but no doubt that it has changed markedly within the last few years. I find myself more and more like her in a way that is both scary and wonderful.  I have become her kind of crazy…but in my own way.  Maybe that’s the thing that makes it hard, we see so much of them in us and if we haven’t accepted mom for mom then we’re only gonna get angrier if we find that we’re just like her!

Recently, though, we haven’t had those talks because Jewels and her mom’s relationship has changed a lot over the years. And honestly, if I had the power to fix one thing, I’d fix that.  I know that mom talks were just as important to Jewels as they are to me and  I know it has to be tough on her not to be able to have those chats anymore.  I still talk to both of them…but I feel kind of caught in between (although of course, as J is my BFF there is a bias).  But then again, I know her well…and I think its one of those things where when we find out there our mom’s don’t have super powers then we feel like our world has completely turned on its head.  This is a woman who is supposed to have all the answers and do great things and say great things, how dare she be human!  I’ve felt like that before.  My mom has done things that I would never in a million years do and things that maybe I won’t understand until I am a wife and a mother.  But I guess at some point we just have to accept them  not as mom but as flawed women.  Beautiful flawed women who made us the women that we are.

I don’t know why I want to fix it.  Well…yes I do.  Because I know how much love is there and I see it just on the other side of forgiveness.  I have never wanted to make something right so much, something that I have 0 control over.  I guess I just am once again being blinded by the potential of things.

I talked to my mom today and was telling her about how we just have to accept people for who they are.  She was upset about my Grandmother and how she continuously puts a bit too much faith in her kids who continuously mess up…but that’s just my Grandma.  She’s tough, but she is all heart and if she can help then she will, even if she has to sacrifice something to do it.  My mom gets so upset but I said, Mom that’s how Grandma is! And at 60 something that’s how she is always going to be, so you’re wasting your time and energy being upset…love her anyway.   Easier said than done right?

I hate that when we grow up we can no longer believe in fairy tales.  Or…we’re not supposed to.  We’re told that our prince charming doesn’t exist, that there is no happily ever after, that dreams and wishes are really just turmoil and hard work.  Why do I also have to accept that my mom doesn’t know it all?  I suppose we don’t.  And I guess out of all the elements of idealism that isn’t necessarily one that I would fix.  I have come to appreciate the differences that mark my mom and I, and I respect her more than ever the older I get.  I see just how much she loves my sisters and I and you just can’t help but to admire someone who is all heart.

What an impossible love…so says Diane Keaton in one of my fav cheesy movies…

You tell me when it ends.You tell me when it stops. All I know is, it’s absolutely fine forme to teach you how to walk and talk,and then you grow up and you head of fin the wrong direction toward a cliff.  And I’m supposed to just stand there and wave and go,”Well, kids, good luck. It’s Mom. I’m here. ” Well, I can’t do that. What am I supposed to do, huh?  Am I supposed to just put my feet upat the end of the day and say to myself,”Well, you know, they’re on their own and she says she’s fine… ” ~Because I said so

Maybe the fairy tale is hard for them too?

You need an Aleksandr Petrovski so that you know you CAN have it all. He is the only one who can give you enough to know that you don’t need it all. Your values are less complex. You are aware of yourself. Big’s immensity has faded. Aleksandr is bigger, richer, more powerful. You allow Big to be human. He is no longer a force that drives you to insanity. The only power he has is that which you gave him. You find the courage to forgive him, and forgive yourself. You choose his company instead of seeking his validation. You are strong enough to brave him in the place where he once conquered you. Your life belongs to you again.

…or something like that. (The Orangest Moon)

Not to say that P2AD is or was Big  but that place…where you choose company over validation and you feel you have stepped into your own I feel like I am there.  And in my response I stood up for myself.  I felt like that tree, my apples are gone, my branches are gone, my trunk is gone I have nothing left to give you.  His response was underwhelming and I realize he was still right where I left him.  It was very apparent, in that moment, that there would not be a grand chase in Paris there would be no “It took me a really long time to get here,” revelation, there was only the end.

We’re so over we need a new word for over.

What I found was that I was not devastated at the course of events.  I remained just as open, just as peaceful, just as ready for love as I was before the apology.  Back to my picture…I love with reckless abandon.  I have no desire to be careful with my heart, or even cautious I just want to give and be loved in return like the boy and the tree.  I used to joke a lot with Ken about how much she gave in relationships but I admire it. I do not want to be one who holds back and I realize that many of the people I have been involved with have been very emotionally unavailable.  Is it too much to expect a man to be at a place in his life where he has acknowledged his “shit” and is not ashamed of it but embraces it?  I have no interest in the same old song and dance of waiting for him to be there.  I am in no hurry though.  So whoever is on the other end of my string *tugs* get it together.

I never really know what to do or say in times of loss.  I just offer myself as a listening ear or comforting shoulder but other than that I am completely tongue tied.  I guess I have not really lost anyone I was extremely close to before. Not really.  Last night I was talking to A and we were talking about relationships. Something we do but not in depth oddly enough. However last night it felt right to dive a bit deeper than normal.  I guess I get the feeling that the deep stuff makes her uncomfortable but I think she knows for most of our other friendships that’s kind of the role I take up.  I wear the hat of the nurturer.  The thing I guess I realized was that when someone is going through loss and grief (of a person) everyone around them assumes that role.  Everyone becomes so nurturing that all you really want is for someone to be normal.  At least that’s what I have been told.

I remember when my best friend Jewels lost her dad.  It was my first encounter with losing someone that I actually knew and was around with any real frequency.  It was hard because I had to watch my friend hurt in a way that no one should ever hurt…and I could not do anything to help.  I couldn’t say anything or hug her enough to give her any comfort about it.  All I could do was listen when she was ready to talk.  I guess I never really forgot that because whenever someone in my life passes I remember her. I remember being at her house with a million family members and friends, I remember most of all her mom. And something inside of me feels overwhelming helpless and small. I know better, cognitively, than to believe that being there is no small potatoes.  That offering comfort and warmth is something people actually need, but it never feels that way.  Recently Jewels said that she read somewhere about how when people go through a trauma of some sort they developmentally stop there.  I suppose the only trauma for me was my accident but there was no loss suffered…and really I see it as more of a birthday than anything arresting.  I feel like I grew up light years after that day.

I suppose outside of the hurt and the sadness you feel watching your friends go through something so difficult as losing a family member, it is always humbling to me.  It is a reminder of how unpredictable life can be and always makes me wonder what I would do or want in those times.  And while family is wonderful of course, I think I would just want my friends to be my friends.  Just because they know me best and most intimately.  So that’s the approach I take to it.  I know better than to call A more than once to ask her if she is okay, if I ask just once and mean it she will answer truthfully…and anything deeper will come at her own initiation.  Just like I know if I just sit and wait and listen Jewels will spill everything she’s thinking and feeling. I know them. And in the same way, they know me.  And so we get by together.

1. January–>Because of the ice storm my finances got all jacked from the giddy up and I was a nervous wreck thinking I wouldn’t take my boards and wouldn’t graduate but…it all went off without a hitch.  No thanks to my frantic demeanor and many tearful break downs. (Be patient)
2. February–>I blew way too much money (yet again) out in LA in a refusal to live within my means.  (Be Honest)
3. March–> I got accepted into my Doctoral program and had to start making decisions about moving/staying and how I was going to manage it all.  There was also a job available at my current place of part-time employment. I had to really consider whether I was ready to move 2100 miles away. (Be willing to let go)
4. April–>My national exams and UWG hits me with a bill days before graduation that will prevent me from walking. Once again, money being in the way.  Nama loans me the money and once again my worry goes useless. (Be Patient)
5. May–>I graduate and subsequently become unemployed…After the awful disappointment that Deeds wouldn’t make it to graduation, neither did P2AD.  While that sucked it gave me insight that I can still be happy and loved without romantic love which was proving to be more trouble than it was worth. (Be honest)
6. June–>With great help from God, the angels that were my friends I got to move to San Diego. I also ended my relationship after owning all the feelings I had been having.  (Be willing to let go)
7. July–>I am feeling extremely lonely here in SD with no friends and a job that requires nothing of me.  I complain to My Person about just wanting someone to talk to…(Be Patient)
8. August–> I go through GA training and meet amazing people with whom I stayed close to all semester. While I was happy that I was finally engaging with people they weren’t my best friends.  After feeling somewhat frustrated I realized that it was the same feeling I’d had in Carrollton.  I had to own that I wouldn’t have “Knoxville” again but in a way I hadn’t lost it either. (Be honest)
9. September–>School starts and work starts…and I start to question my reasons for beginning school again. (Be honest)
10. October–> I never receive my financial aid…I never get to ship my car…I don’t get to go to homecoming…I feel stuck and get friend-sick.  But I shake it off to some extent and embrace those around me a bit more.  I start to accept SD for what is is rather than having it be a savior for all the bad things.  (Be honest/be willing to let go)

For November and December I think I’ve gone back and forth between loving where I am and looking forward to see how I can avoid making the mistakes I made earlier in the year. Somewhere in there I fell in love with love again.  Solely because of my friends. I saw the safety in being able to love someone and the wonder in having them love you back.  I guess maybe my best friends, in some people’s opinions, are a poor substitute for love but honestly I can’t think of anyone better.  I guess I’ve embraced my inner Charlotte York.  I’m ready for more love in 2012, in whatever forms it comes in.

I believe I am here, in school, because it is safe.  It is very well known that I do not like to do things that I am not good at.  Hence why I don’t play organized sports (another story for another day).  So I got to thinking how it applied to where I am right now.  I just got my grades and I got As in my classes.  As on all my assignments, etc etc.  It’s not even exciting to me because I know it wasn’t the result of some grand effort.  A recent alum told me when I first arrived in San Diego that the Ph.D is not the degree award to the smartest or highly intelligent, it is a battle of the wills. It is sheer determination to finish and complete something.  Its about follow through.  I am not a quitter, and I am truly enjoying my time here so I am not talking about quitting, what I’m talking about is the patterns that govern my decision making.

Perfection is not just about control. It’s also about letting go. Surprise yourself so you can surprise the audience. Transcendence! Very few have it in them … The only person standing in your way is you. It’s time to let her go. Lose yourself.

I’m smart. Above average smart; I think it boils down to being able to draw parallels and see connections between things.  It comes in handy as academics love to discuss the abstract.  I guess I got comfortable.  I know that I can excel there. I know that I am competitive there.  I never have to worry about finding my footing in the world of higher education.  Its a bit scarier in the so-called real world.  Today an old friend asked me what I wanted to do after graduation and rather than regurgitating the same old response I give everyone about being director of counseling services I tried to actually think.  I mean what about the work in spirituality? Will I give it up?  Will it be just for me?  What about consulting? What about my books, and teaching, and running retreats?  How does it all fit?  The fact of the matter is that it will.

I guess even though I might have chosen the safe path nothing along this path is guaranteed.  It’s just beginning and while some parts of school may be easier for me not all of them will.  I’m not arrogant enough to believe that it will be a cake walk.  Even with my Masters, though the classes may have been manageable, the personal work was a different story. I believe that in four years the time will come again for me to make a major life decision and I will have to chose between the safe and the flight.  Hell…tomorrow I’ll have to face that choice, just on a smaller scale. But you know, I’m ready for it.  I’m feeling courageous and I’m feeling like I can do it.