Q. How do you get him to give you what you want?

A. You ask.

I gotta get used to the easy. Lboog said “it could all be so simple…”I didn’t know she meant In general.

Cue some damn strings…Yall its an off day.  Whenever things are off with Deeds and I, things are just off…and thats the jist of today.  First of all, there’s that. Which…I guess technically is “ok” now but clearly isn’t because then I wouldn’t feel like this.  And who even knows what’s going on on his end…we haven’t talked. *strings* I need a new car…so I went looking for one today (in the freezing cold) and got out at this lot, walked around, was LOOKING at this car like for a while and the dealer salesmen didn’t come help me. I take that as you don’t want the tens of thousands of dollars I’m about to spend.  At that point I don’t care how great the car is, I’m not buying it from there.  This is also the reason that I refuse to buy a Honda (at least from these 3 dealerships).  Customer service…HUGE in my book.  Anyway so I think I found on.  A zippy lil VW. I contacted the dealership and they were expeditious with information and answered all my questions within a matter of minutes.  Buying next weekend. *Happy strings* I’m thinking of quitting Twit.ter.  For all the hours of amusement it provides, its not worth the headache and hassle that I get from it.  And yes, perhaps I should have a lighter mood/spirit and be able to overlook some things/people.  But alas, life was moving nicely before it, I think the earth will still revolve around the sun long after. *strings*  Lastly…well…maybe thats best left for the journal and not the blog.  What’s weird…something thats kind of nagged me for a while and has me in a mood…the source of this distrust in my life…I dunno really just doesn’t care? I thought I was over that.  Never should’ve called that day.  Its very hard to open your heart in certain ways and then leave it closed in others.  Kinda left me raw. Then Christmas…The pair of events have me consciously telling myself self affirmations…but I tell you, my self-esteem has taken a blow (lets just be honest).  I need to check it.  *sad strings*  Settling for solitude…it might be lonely but its safe.  Really can’t go down that road again. Its just a bad day.  Not even that. Its just a bad few moments in a good day.  *strings of promise*

Love is what you make and with whom you make it

So today I was reading through my twitter “favorites” and I found this one saved by @TheDailyLove, it said,“Its funny how things work out when you let go of everything that doesn’t serve your happiness.” And I had to just let that marinate for a minute.  Far too often we hold on to things for shoddy reasons, and cause ourselves unhappiness.  We then become soured as people.  I read something yesterday…

…All the sorry and trouble of this world is caused by unhappy people.  Not only in the big global Hitler-’n'-Stalin picture, but also on the smallest personal level.  Even in my own life, I can see exactly where my episodes of unhappiness have brought suffering or distress or (at the very least) inconvenience to those around me.  The search for contentment is, therefore, not merely a self-preserving and self-benefiting act, but also a generous gift to the world.  Clearing out all your misery gets you out of the way. You cease being an obstacle, not only to yourself but to anyone else.  Only then are you free to serve and enjoy other people.

How awesomely on point is that?  Its from Eat Pray Love btw, yes I know I’ve been reading this book a long time, but its because I stopped mid-way through and went back to the beginning and reread.  I’ve read it about three times now in a row and I find things even still now.  Things that are different, more poignant than they previously were.

I tell you…God makes no mistakes.  I can’t explain exactly why I feel that way right now but if you feel it too then you know why I said it.

So what is my New Year’s Resolution?  To keep happiness closer than worry.  Its what I owe this great universe.  My goals have not changed, there are still things that I want to accomplish, but my greatest resolve is to let go of that which does not serve my happiness.  We need not chase happiness, it is right here with us, waiting to be chosen.  Those that seek seek and those that remain are.  I don’t know a better way to say it than that.  *kisses* Happy New Year to all my readers.  Hope you spend it with loved ones and have a year riddled with blessings.

In discussing the year 2009 with N, I realized it had been a year of growth for everyone. I was looking through pictures from this past February and barely even recognized the me in the photograph. Not because I look *so* different, but just because…well I’m not who I used to be.
I don’t even have the desire to be that person anymore. Self-medicating…that feels like another post, but these days if I’m hurting I hurt. It sounds simple, but to get to the point where you are present is a great feat.
That’s why I look forward to 2010 a new year with new promise and 365 days to flourish-God willing.
To travel. To try new things. To be in love. To fulfill dreams. To open new chapters. To live.

I was out with friends last night, just having dinner and watching the Bears/Viks MNF game…We went to ST.ATS here in Atlanta, Sidebar: the food was decent the wine list was overpriced and too much for a sports bar, and the service was pretty horrible, if it weren’t for the manager literally stepping in and being our server then we wouldn’t have had one and I just HAD to put them on blast and say DO BETTER !! I won’t be patronizing again, but maybe yall will go and have a different experience.  As we were leaving one of the guys at the door invited us back for New Year’s Eve.

Now…*sigh* My NYE seriously thus far is going to consist of me+Deeds and an HBO marathon and me probably falling asleep before I get to tell the west coast Happy New Year-hope not though. Anyway so my other friends are in from LA and they’re going to be hitting up the Guys and Dolls party at the FOX.  I haven’t been able to find the deets on this party

I’m sure you can check out www.newyears.com for more party options here in the Ayyyyyye but as for me? My couch and my Love await me

So hopefully she won’t see this until she’s back at work and ignoring her job *heehee* but I’m gonna write about my BFFK and her lifetime boobeary ummm he can be Hub-B ahh yes, everybody gets a name here at Sincerely, Jess OK so…these guys are engaged to be married (horray!!!) and they’ve been together since college. Whats amazing to me is, how they are still just as mushy now as they were day one. DAY ONE. After whats this? damn near seven years. I’m in love with them as a couple.

Now maybe I’m partial because this is my BFFK-but I don’t think so. I really like Hub-B too. Like separate from their twosome, as a person I like him a lot. You know how you go somewhere with a couple and you can literally feel their love for one another? Yeah I feel a little homo saying that but eff its TRUE! It’s disgustingly wonderful. And BFFK can vouch for this, I am the worst at giving advice during adverse times because I just want (and already know) they’re going to work it out and be better than ever lol. And I didn’t like it when they weren’t happy LOL, I need them to be good.
Deeds sent me a message today and asked me to post. Baby this is what I’m feeling lol. I wonder if other friends are going to read this and think “well is she in love with me and mine?” um the answer is no. I may like you just fine (a lot) but these guys I’m completely smitten with and feel so LAME for it.  I want somebody to be in love with Deeds and I-how fun would that be? LOL I think weddings are more fun that way too.  When you’re in love with the couple.  When you see her looking at him and him looking at her and they’re both smiling trying to hold it together but they can’t and then you fall apart too….*sigh* Can you tell I can’t wait??

God spoke to me again.
Sort of.
Deeds and I sort of had a little quam. So we’re not communicating and I prayed. Asked God to tell me what to do. Asked God to give me peace and understanding. Asked God to calm me and be the shoulder I needed. And you know what God said?
Nothing.
Quiet.
Not a word.
Then I knew. That was the answer. I needed to talk to Deeds. And I did. And I realized something.

Love is not work. We are work. Love is perfect and effortless. Letting go feels like holding tight. The more I held him the more I felt Him. And God is love. Before I felt as though a sharp knife had sliced right through me. With every breath of letting go, of loving, I healed a little bit more. Now its only a memory.

God spoke to me.
And I listened.

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. “Pooh,” he whispered. “Yes, Piglet?” “Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw, “I just wanted to be sure of you.”

Ok so two of the most important people in my life are my best friend and my boyfriend. BFF and BF.  I’m sitting here in a bad mood because small things have happened today that have just gotten the best of me. Gotten me down.  BFF woke me up (twice) with a mini-crisis…and in her round-a-bout crazy way taught me a lesson today.  About passion.  I think that love can make us crazy. Truly crazy.  We feel so good and we don’t ever NOT want to feel that good.  When things threaten our happiness we sort of…snap.  Its not logical, or intentional, and we want to be calm and rational but its fight or flight…because literally this thing is threatening our survival. Our life in love.   BFF can go a little overboard sometimes lol, but she taught me that we love people openly, without reserve, with our whole hearts, and we fight for happiness.

Now, later on, after BFF wakes me up the second time–and I’m talkin to BF I realized something else…that in such a short time he’s become so much to me.  I hear his voice telling me to “be nice” when I’m at work faced with a rude customer, I feel that calm when he says “calm down” or “its ok” when I’m venting because my mom has pissed me off…and I remember a time before him when I didn’t have that…I’d be as crazy as my BFF if someone threatened us.  I understand. I don’t even want to be without him. Without us. Noah said to Allie, ” The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I hope to give to you forever. And I feel like without the words…or maybe just wrapped up in 3 little ones, I’ve been told this same thing.

These two people my daily pillars, let me know that I’m right in the world.  That where I am is where I’m supposed to be. Because like the picture says, love begets love…and well you don’t get people like BFF and BF if you’re not right within.  *checks phone “MSG from Deeds: “You’re Beautiful”* I’m so blessed.

you know

how sometimes

you just

be feeling…

other?

yeah…

this is

one

of those

days

for every thing there is a season