bed

I spent 1 week sick.

Flu.

Ear Infection.

Sinus Infection.

And this FUCKING building

Won’t flip the heat on.

I’m pissed.

Bed.

Cue the Crazy

This is how I feel… retreated into myself.  Seeking solace, but almost ready to emerge unto the world with open arms…just as soon as I catch my breath and collect myself.  I’m not really sure why I feel this way.  Kind of like I don’t know whats going on, or like I’m in a whirlwind?

I need me.

I got off track,  if there was ever a track? I mean school is still ok, and I haven’t gotten behind at work. My friends are ok and my relationship is fine, but…I can’t breath quite right. I just need a few minutes. A moment.

Tomorrow I’m going running…and I’m going to run until my mind is clear. I don’t know how long that’ll be or even if my legs will carry me that far, but I’m going to try.  Somehow…I lost my center? Its not far off…I just need to pause. Regroup.  Then I’ll be ready.

wired weird

Slipping into it
Just the slightest shift
A grin turned on her back
Trying
Not
To
Fall into it
Questioning instinct
Play the role
Am I ?
Wired weird…

Leave of Absence

People come to me, with problems, often the same problems repeatedly.  I often get fed up, but can’t step away from it…not when its my friends.  Saturday night that came to a head. That ish cannot and will not happen again, if I can help it (and I can in large part).  My frustration with other people and their issues got under my skin.  A long time ago E told me that I take things personally-and that I feel like things are happening to me when really they’re just happening.  Deeds told me that I have a problem saying “no”.  Something I would have vehemently denied but I think he’s right.  Not when it comes to stuff, but when it comes to myself.  I give a lot of myself to other people and sometimes I say “no” but then with my actions…I concede.  That came to bite me in the ass this weekend.  I took out my frustrations on the man I love and we started bickering over problems that weren’t even ours.  That canNOT happen.  He means far too much to me to let some petty drama come between us.

At one point in the evening I had to take a time out and cry, I told my friend and she said that I must really care about him to be as affected as I do.  People say that you can’t change others.  This is true…but he definitely inspires change.  As a budding therapist it is absolutely essential that I learn to leave problems with the carrier.  I didn’t break you, I can’t fix you.  I can’t make you love you and do better. I can’t. Period. I just can’t. And starting now, I won’t.  I’m retreating to the happy place that is my relationship and leaving you grown folks to work your own lives out.

Please sir?

I’m sick.

I just want to be babied.

Someone make me soup?

And grilled cheese sammiches?

Appreciation…

So…coming from the girl who believes we do what we feel, I really wish that weren’t true right now.  See, right now I have something great…but last night I wasn’t acting like it.  Sometimes, often even, its not good enough to say it.  You have to do it.  Express it.  And last night I said it but acted differently; incongruent.  So which is it? My actions or my words, which is the truth?

That’s what scares me.  Not that I don’t mean what I say, but that the one I speak those words to may one day wonder that.  I can’t…I couldn’t  I won’t let that happen.  THats not true nor will I ever allow anything to happen again that would cause them or anyone to mistrust my words. Its hard to…make sure that what you do aligns with how you feel.  That your actions can’t be interpreted as contradictory statements…

What really gets me is…it wasn’t even worth it. It hardly ever is.

A thousand kisses…

In that book which is
My memory . . .
On the first page
That is the chapter when
I first met you
Appear the words . . .
Here begins a new life

- Dante Alighieri

Happy Birthday my Love

Think you deserve better

YOU ACCEPT THE LOVE YOU THINK YOU DESERVE

YOU ACCEPT THE LOVE YOU THINK YOU DESERVE

YOU ACCEPT THE LOVE YOU THINK YOU DESERVE

YOU ACCEPT THE LOVE YOU THINK YOU DESERVE

You are in control of the love puddle you fall in.  Don’t say you’re not because that’s an excuse. You wonder why not shit men approach you? Because you settle for not shit and they can sense it.  I’m continually befuddled by women who seemingly have their lives together who end up with not shit men. And vice versa, but especially my ladies.  Have I ever been treated badly in a relationship? No. Never, not ever? Never, not ever. I think my mom’s crazy independence definitely rubbed off on me in that way and I was raised not to settle.  Ultimately that’s what we do if we ever accept less than what we truly want.  There should be no surprise when he disappoints you because he started off as a disappointment.  Silly ho…

Remember that song?  I’m kinda over the whole phenomenon… the why can’t I find a good man whine.  And this is not just because of my current situation.  When you just want a man, that’s what you get.  Perhaps God hasn’t sent you  your perfect man because you’re not his perfect woman yet?  Just food for thought…single is not punishment.  Stop acting thirsty.

Walk Away

I think it is very little difference between art and love. You become emmersed in them. They are life forces, they fill voids you didn’t realize you had. Most importantly both are infinite and undeniable. In the case of finality it is true that neither Artist nor Lovers ever truly finish they simply walk away…and is that really what hapens?

Of course it is. We could always say goodbye one more time or meet for closure? I could always add a stroke of blue or a dab of red or…something its never really perfect..enough.

You have to walk away…sometimes its a masterpiece of hurt pain and anguish, reds burn a heart torn open on the canvas. How do you ever really capture that…fully? Sometimes its a single stroke which lasted too long. A kiss that became I love you and you don’t know how you got to where you are.

How do you end it? This painting, this art, this love? You just do.

Paused.

My church notes…yeah they’re mighty long today but MMMMM *closes eyes and rocks* the word was so good lol enjoy!!  (BTW this is from Bishop Eddie Long of New Birth MBC)

Being Present

Scriptures: Philippians 4: 6-9, Hebrews 11, Deuteronomy 30:19 Supplemental Scriptures: Philippians 3:13, Hebrews 13:5-6

Notes:

• “God does not judge your past to decide your future.”  He is a present Lord and asks that we be present in our today to receive our blessings.
• Where are you? Where did you stop? Who paused you? Why are you still there? How long have you been there? If you are living a past moment, in a mindset of that which has past it has paused you and you cannot see the present accurately because you are seeing it through the mindset of then.
• Seeds…if someone hurt us we may have seeds of anger, seeds of distrust, seeds of abandonment, seeds of embarrassment etc. We can only produce what we harvest. If we have stayed in the mindset and the moment of our past, then we will continue to produce it.  If you are angry you will produce things of anger.  Ex. If we have been betrayed by a partner then we will look for future partners to betray us in similar ways not allowing ourselves to believe that they could be pure of heart and sent by God.  We ask God to send us someone to love us, but when we receive it we are still stuck on pause and cannot receive that blessing.  à similarly we attract seeds of similar make up.  “Why do all these poor people keep finding me?” “Because your SPIRIT says BROKE!”  When you think richly and live richly (divinely) then rich things come to you.
• Being all the way present means not looking back as well, if we ask the Lord for riches yet are still carrying the attitude we had when we were broke, we will waste our riches because we are still being the fruits of poverty…we are seeds of poverty and that is the fruit we will bear. We must be present.  (Philippians 3:13- …forgetting those things, which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things, which are before…)
• Our living in the past does not only affect us, but also our children. Because we bear fruit of our seeds if we are bitter/angry/jaded/lonely/unattached etc then we will bear those fruit.  (Deuteronomy 30:19- This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live) Our children are in 2009 yet we drag them into our past experience by not moving past it. We pass on our mindset and our hurt to them.
• The Lord is in the present and ask that we trust Him to heal our pasts so that we may be present to receive His word and His blessings. To get over the past we must address it
  • Perspective- we must get a new perspective, a present one on our problems and our life
  • Adjust- we must make the proper changes to live in the NOW instead of in the past
  • Sacrifice- we must let go and sacrifice, feeling some temporary pain and sorrow for our overall well-being.  (Psalms 30:5-weaping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning)
  • Trust- we must put faith in God that He can work it out for us (Hebrews 13:5-6 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, ”Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” ⁶So we say with confidence, ”The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?”)
• Why do we cry over things that we have victory over? We lived through that. We prospered over that. We got away from that. Press Play. The Lord does not want us to forget, but rather when we remember note how He gave us peace that transcended all sorrow, and how He healed us. “I distinctly remember forgetting about that,” do not dwell on the event (divorce, rape, molestation, bankruptcy etc) it happened, but we survived, now allow God to heal that wounded past and focus on blessing us today.   (Philippians 4: 6-9-… And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus…)
  • Dwelling says that we don’t trust God to heal our pasts.  “But God you don’t know how this person hurt me” “Yes I do, but you lived through it.”  Is he not our strength? Is he not our rock? Is His love not perfect? Trust Him.