These are all the hilarious things that have been said by various people in my life…I’m not really fond of adding it unless I was actually present but some stuff is just too funny and I have to…Anyway enjoy the madness!
J: Why you buy D this initial shirt with a “T” on it?? She don’t have a “T” in her whole name!
D: Oh, the “T” stands for Teriffic
J & D2: WHAT?!? *hysterical laughter*
***Technically not my convo but still applicable and worth saving***
L: You can’t look for a boyfriend. You can’t just want a boyfriend.
H: I know. That’s my problem.
J: What were we saying the other day? Same with shoes. You can’t go look for shoes.
H: Yeah, they just have to come to you.
J: They just have to come to you.
H: No, we were saying that about sunglasses.
L: No, I think it’s more like purses, actually. You’re always going to have that one boy that you’re always comfortable with and you’ll always kind of like, right? That’s your purse that you wear everywhere, right? Then you have that gorgeous bag you want everyone to see you with.
J: Yeah, but the gorgeous bag is usually an asshole.
L: Or costs a lot of money. Then you have like those other purses that you really like but don’t really want to be seen with.
“Are you SERIOUS?”
“F them hoes[F.T.H.]”
“Jesus was a Kappa”
“How does she know?”
“Oh”
*cough cough*
“I love YOU, because you are the beautiful black queen”
“How are pancakes for breakfast?”
“You know what they say about those Alphas…they’re animals”
B: lemme grab this GOLD chair
J: Um that chair is brown
B: Um no its GOLD, OLD GOLD
“You’re on scholarship to catch that ball!!”
“If you think George Bush doesn’t care about black people, give ME your Pell grant w/ ya broke ungrateful ass”
“Why they gotta be from Atlanta…damn”
“Its a spiritual retreat”
“Why did the boy just turn into a Rhino-cerus?”
E: Do you want to go to the baby shower with me so I’m not the only white girl there?
A: I’m black…
“JK enter”
“You sit on a throne of LIES”
“I mean Chick-Fil-A thats 6 dollars and if you do that twice then thats 12 dollars!”
“Its that magical nipple”
“First question of the night, do you like black guys? Second question, can I have your number?”
J:What the hell are you doing?
JEM: I’m shakin my ass!
“I been fuckin all week”
“Tell your friend to get her stomach off my back”
R.Kelly:then she wiped her lip and sniggled
*laugher*
B: Sniggle its like giggle and snicker
“Where is she goin, timeout no…where is she goin?”
“I want the Miller…I’m a Miller!”
“You know why? Because we fu*kin WON”
“Don’t be a punk, you go!”
“I was sleep as hell”
“Moon!?! That’s not in my quote”
“Jonquil are you eatin my fu*kin donut!!!”
B: (to me) Am I winning?
T: You’re winning
B: I know I am
T:Then what the fu*k you askin for then?
M: T she was just playin, she really wants you on her team
M(2): No I wasn’t, shit sit over there in that chair if you want to!
“Are you saying I can’t smoke some sweet ass weed?”
*About the automated voice at the ATM machine*
J: That lady is really loud! I wouldn’t want her telling everyone I’m getting money. Wouldn’t it be funny if she said ‘insufficient funds’? It would be even better if a ghetto man came on and said “You ain’t got no damn money!”
K:What kind of McFlurry do you want?
H:Umm do they have butterscotch?
K: we’re at fucking McDonalds!!
J: Lets play a game, I’m going to name you what I think you should be named…
K: That’s not a good name J…
J: Yeah it is, A you should be Sara, K you should be Stephanie, S…..I don’t know what youl should be
L,K,K,K,D: Hysterical falling on the floor gut busting laughter
J: *trying to hold it together* I don’t know what’s so funny…ummm so…
“My only job is to win”
“If you tell me to shut up one more time, I’m gonna take off your shirt and suck on your tits”
“Roar, bitch”
V: Where does C stay?
K: In the projects, where she stay don’t even have a street name, its just a yellow building down there where Bankhead ends
V: like Bowen homes?
K: WORSE than Bowen Homes
All: DAMN!!!!
V: the sad thing is, I think I know where you talkin about
J: Nigga you sell everything, you sell salt?
K: Dead sea salts? Hell yeah, wash yo hands with that shit!
K:You are NOT the father!
J: you gon do the dance like Anthony did
K: I’ma westside walk it out when Maury says that shit
“I don’t like bein touched”
“Penis is short for peninsula”
“In a past life, I was a Sigma. Before that I was a rock on which Phi Beta Sigma was founded. Before that I was the pencil that wrote the charter on which Phi Beta Sigma was founded. Before that I was a gun that tried to shoot the _____s.”
M: …and I opened up the door to the cab and yelled “America!!! Fuck Yeah!” to this Indian lady…
“Hello???”
J:Get yo sack of nickels
B:It has some quarters too!!!
“Why you gon be stuck in Hootyville?”
B:Why would you quote her?
N:What does she say that’s quotable!
“I thought you said that’s my m-word, like that’s my minority”
“Monkey-Monk!”
“Is he eye still messed up?”
B: It was somebody’s birthday…I couldn’t see their nametag
N: I think it was Emma
B: she’s like 90
N: did she have a cart? yeah? That was Emmas ass
J: did she have something IN the cart?
N: nah she just that old she gotta walk with a cart
“Claudette, her old ass pissed me the fuck off today!”
“You raggedy”
T: She’s a hoe
J: Dang, she always had nice accessories…now when I see her I’ma think ‘hm T thinks she’s a hoe”
T: Yeah you can say, ‘that hoe has a nice necklace’!
T: Babies for sale!
J: Oh yeah, N that reminds me!
L: No no wait, ‘babies for sale’ reminds you of something with me?
J: yeah!
L: I just want to know what she did that was so great?
T: I mean I don’t know!!
L: Well I need for you to do some research or something and find out
T: no, YOU the one who wants to know, YOU do the research!
L: Its not like I’m bout to go to yalls website! I’ll wait til I get to J’s
J: What why?! Are they watching you??!!
“Gypsy, who is this woman you have shrunk?”
*speaking of Ali G*
T: who? Allergy?
N: no ALI G
T: you mean like Muhammad Ali?
J: Who is the phi?
L: The Alphas?
J: no I mean like…right now?
L: Ohhhhhh ummm me?
“You can’t be killin hoes’ dreams and aspiriations”
J: you gone be like Storch and say ‘STORCH’ before every record? Or like JD ‘yall know what this is’
B: yeah but she gone start off ‘You Raggedy! Booom boom boom boooooom’
J: yeah Boooom booom boooooooom *dancing*
J: what kind of alcohol do you want at your party, J?
N: namebrand
J(2): *draws the brick wall*
*Girl shows picture of her house post-Hurricane Katrina*
M:Damn, you came from some shit!
J:Thats after the hurricane!
M: Oh I thought it was in black and white
J:You thought she lived in a tree root?!
L: B, Did you see the first group?
B: Yeah
L: Oh what’d they do?
B: I don’t even know
J: You have a crush on him.
L: No…cuz I used to talk to him so its not a crush.
K: You have an obsession
L: No, its definitely not an obsession its a…
J:Infactuation? nah thats too impersonal…
L: Not a crush or obsession.
J: Its a crush! Hold on I’ma call my mediator…A, is it a crush if you used to date them?
A: No…she Likes him.
J: Ohhhhh LIKE, yall A says you just like him!
L: Yeah that’s wat I was trying to say!!!
J: I feel so dumb…why couldn’t we think of this?
“Any BGLO would be lucky to have me because of my great stepping abilities”
C: I know you better get back in yo truck!
Random White Guy: What did you say about my truck?!?!?
C: FUCK YO TRUCK!!!
RWG: *Gets back in truck*
J: What happens if you’re allergic to bananas? Do you have to take an allergy form? (drunken seriousness)
P: If you can’t eat bananas you shouldn’t even be an Ape, go be a Kappa or some shit like that
“What is a jonkeel”
“You know what? My thumb tastes good”
“Nathan..I like that can it be Nate? Is my last name still White?”
“What you call me? New New?
T: I know this is cotton, and this is polyester, so what is that?
J: Sherpa
T: What is Sherpa?
J: That…
” All I remember is laying down on the floor, and you kissing me goodnight”
“Why is the first thing he said not good morning but, ‘you comin to the party on Tuesday’? They wake UP thinking Alpha”
L: He said some white girl kissed him, was there a white girl at his house?
T: *thinking* She was fat…
All: *laughter*
J: does that make her not white?
*Looking at slightly innappropiate photos of T*
J: Why do you have on these Moses sandels?
T: What? my Mandles?
B: MANDLES *falls over in laughter*
J: How about Al’s status says ‘Al is not his hair’
**hysterical laughter by all**
N: Wait I don’t get it
**5 minutes worth of laughing**
B: how you gone laugh first, and not even get it?
“I been drunk since Saturday”
*504 Boyz “You ain’t gotta say too much” ringtone plays*
L:Whats up with you and all these sexy songs on your phone?
D: Oh this is my cousin…
K: Your COUSIN?!?
B:You can’t have no music in your head?
J: I just finished 4 years of college today, I want my hampster to run free!
N:He can’t do that shit in here!!
“And shit and shit and shit”
J: I just don’t understand what is chicken noodle soup like…it makes no sense?
L: No the Heisman makes no sense, the chicken noodle soup has been a dance for years [before the song]
J: Yeah but the Heisman has been a trophy for years!!!
*Talking to my 13 year old cousin about new dances*
J: D yall know how to do the Heisman?
D: Naw what’s that?
J: Ugh you don’t know how to do anything anymore?!? What yall be doin in middle school these days, learning???
D: Huh? NAW!
*My mom and I looking at a picture of Kalen*
M: and you said he’s an Alpha?
J: Yeah
M: Hmm they sure don’t look like they used to, where’s his calculator?
J: *uncontrolable laughter*
**Kalen’s mobile response: Lol..tell her in in mylaptop phone…now we walk around with excel..word..and the internet…not just calculators!!
M: Tell him, oh so yall are still nerds?
“I’m darker than I look”
“They are doing drugs outside, I don’t want to snitch but I really feel like I should call 911”
“What are they sayin, pull your tool on that hoe?”
“Tat-tat-tatted up”
“Too much Razzle”
“I’m faded and ready to get x-rated”
“MySpace is like the at home club…don’t feel like going out, Sign in!”
“A.H. is your baby mama? Aint she a slut”
“I pulled out like a porn star”
S: yeah but have you ever worn a condom?
J: Me no, have you ever had a baby?!
S: Naw but the birth canal expands to fit the baby
J: Fuck that, I don’t need a birth canal if you wear a condom!
M: Wait so like just nah, I don’t need this birth canal right now..
J: basically
S: What you need a birth canal?
J: Why you sellin ’em?
S: Yeah!
J: To like anybody?
S: Nah you gotta fill out this application right….
J: What did you learn your first semester in college?
A: That I don’t like black people
S: Oh so yall from the ATL
V: Yeah, where are you from?
S: The AUG
V & J: Augusta?!
S: man how yall know!
K: I’m having like a classy calendar photo shoot
J: What’s classy?
K: I mean they got the outdoor tubs and they’re gonna be in the kitchen feeding each other chocolate covered strawberries
J: That’s not classy!
K: oh so what they need to be eating then?
J: So B, what are you doing now [post-graduation] ?
B: oh you know…me
“Arbor Place is just so…middle class. And not even upper-middle class just..middle class!”
” In a few hours you have to wake up and take a plane and if you see anybody with the turbans u have to say ” NO!!” and then sing the star spangled banner.”
*Driving down Bankhead*
B: Toe Jam?!? Why would you name anything ‘Toe Jam’??
B2: ‘Cause its funky!
J: Look there it is! Caskets!
B: And its in neon…
“Its all light outside…Look at the moon, making all that noise”
* To Beyonce’s Irreplacable*
“You must not know ’bout me, bitch YOU ain’t leaving me! Try to find another me in a minute, but he ain’t gonna want yo ass when I’m finshed..BA-BYYYY”
“Gerald Ford died….SO?”
“I hate you tutsi bitches…I hate you Oprah Winfrey”
“She can try to break up with me if she want to…I’ma do a drive-by to Dreamgirls with the slow creep *And I am TELLING YOU…I’m not going..*”
*Watching ANTM’s Furonda model*
D: Where the hell they get ‘Furonda’ from? Her mama was probably in labor talking about some “a fffu a ffu a fuu”
D2: *laughter*
D: She was, probably pushin and they were asking her what the baby was going to be named and she was sreaming “a fffu a fuuu- a fuuuuuuuurrrondaaaaa Furonda!” and they wrote it down.
J: *Look of total disgust and bewilderwent*
D & D2: *hysterical laughter*
*Walking out on the balcony/patio at night*
D:I better put on a robe, don’t want people to see my goodies
J: What goodies? You ain’t got no goodies
D: I do have goodies, girl don’t you know? They call me ‘Chocolate’
J: WHO calles you ‘Chocolate’??
M: Do you guys see my fish? Beta and Sigma…Phi was a girl, she died.
J: How?
M: She froze at Melrose
*laughter*
J2: Wait, was the water frozen too?
M: Mmm yeah…I stuck my finger in it and I was like whoa thats kinda frozen, I didn’t realized it was that cold on the ledge but I mean its marble…
J: I think I’m going to go look for a job tomorrow
M: At the Pet Store?
“At the end of the day women still have the psychotic vagina and men have the rod of rationality”
“When he goes Pro you’re going to be mad you didn’t have his baby”
“Have a black day”
“For the last seven years, White girls been shaped like 8s”
*Singing Beyonce’s Irreplaceable*
B: To the left, to the left, everything I own in the box to the left. In the closet, thats my stuff, yes if I bought it nigga please don’t touch. Wait am I the only one that adds nigga to this?
…silence….
J: Well I don’t
J2: *falls out in laughter*
1: Yeah 9 said she’s only kissed 4 guys in her life, I asked her what she did in high school and she said “Not kissing!”
4: Wait..who? Last Year was 2!
9: I mean…..
4: B said that like, damn 2 thats half!
1: That’s exactly what I was thinking!
“I spilled martini on my pants, I’m tasty”
“Mm-hmm Mm-hmm Mm-mmm”
“My bra is killing me, I hate being a girl! I wish I was a boy…with a penis!”
“You need to give me a deadline, and stop saying ASAP. Cuz asap to you ain’t asap to me”
“I’m only dating her to be nice”
“She’s a liar and a cheater and that equals a hoe, thats a step away from a bitch”
“When I get back in town you wanna burn this candle”
*After mentioning New York to her mom*
“Don’t forget to take a coat!”
“Knocking like a lil bitch”
M: B, So you know I’m an engineering major, can you recall that much about my nature?
B: Yeah
M: Ok so that means I’m good at math
B: It means you SHOULD be
M: I just did some adding and subtracting and something just doesn’t add up
B: You want me to say it for you? “Who the FUCK is that Nigga!?”
J+B: *Point at each other and laugh*
“She’s always sick! I figure, she either has AIDS……….or Mono”
*looking at a wood figurine*
T: You should photograph that for your portfolio
J: Um thats wood
T: they won’t know its in black and white!
J: T, where are your socks?
B: She lost them while she was dancing
N: Yeah they were up under that white girl, whats her name? J2
J: QUOTE BOARD!
“Shut up and go take a puff”
J: Why don’t you ask N to read?
T: No
J+B+T: *hysterical laughter*
N: I wanna laugh too! T what’d you say?
T: All I said was ‘no’
*listening to some crazy song on the radio*
J: who IS THIS?!? What is this
A: I don’t know, it sounds like something K and A made up though
“You thrash and you throw up!”
B: Look at him, he so skinny
J: Yeah he looks emaciated, he look like one of those kids “for just 35 cents a day…”
B” *laughing* He needs a sponsor!!!
J:*crying laughing* For 13 dollars a week we can get clean water to little…wait did you just say he needs a sponsor
B+J: *doubled over in laughter*
“Message…MESSAGE! Message Hoe! Message BITCH!”
“Makin our way downtown…”
K: what are the numbers for the radio??
N: Um 1-2-3-4-5-6-7?
J: Ugh that hoe
N: what hoe? are you calling me a hoe? cuz I’m NOT a hoe!
J: What?!?!
N: Ohhhh THAT hoe!
V: I heard it was somebody’s birthday…but I didn’t go cuz I don’t too much care for them
J: Yeah cuz they’re shady bitches
V: And they some hoes
W: Damn, they bitches AND hoes?
*K about to sing*
V: Hold on girl….one second girl….ok go ahead
*K sings while V records on her phone (obvious to everyone but K)*
V: Ohh girl that was good, Its going on Facebook!
K: Wait WHAT?!?
“I AM NOT HAPPY, everyone MUST go, SINGLE FILE LINE PLEASE! LETS GO!”
*Speaking of the LaNeKe*
B: I had a LaNeKe today, I wanted to tell you!
N: You can’t have a LaNeKe with YOUR hair
B: Yes I can! How you gon tell me!
N: You probably messin it up wit cuteness!!
*Speaking of AKA-ness*
J: You know you can’t REALLY see your reflection in your hand right?
T: I know but…its habit. If I have my hand like this, then I have to look in it. Plus, Its FUN!
*To a nonexistant knock on the door*
L: Who is it?
B+T+J: Who is who?
“Yay Indian Dancers!”
*while watching the weather report*
“I hate rain! I hate walking to class in the rain! I hate riding the bus in the rain, cuz all the white people stink! And of course they don’t mind getting wet, if they just had umbrellas!!!”
“He just sent me a text message, and he said ‘you right’ but I don’t remember what I said?!?”
J: Yeah I sent K a text message showing him what I did to your car, he said “LMAO wow”
N: Oh really? What’d he say?
J+B: Um he said “LMAO wow”???
*Outside Kroger in the car, as a homely looking woman walks by*
D: Lets grab her and tell her she’s been selected for an Ambush Makeover!!!
“I’m not hungry, I’m just ready!”
*Watching What’s Love Got To Do With It*
D: She look like could hurt him during sex, she probably be like *grunt/growl*
T: I know right, like Ike no YOU roll over!
T: Any more hashbrowns?
J: Nope
*watching Unfaithful*
L: damn she shakin hard, look like she havin a seizure!
J: oh Lord, thats gon be your new facebook status, L is…waiting for a seizure!
“Don’t cheat, you have a nice husband and a nice home with nice grass!”
J: Ugh she’s doing everything WRONG, I need to write a book on how to cheat right.
J2: Somebody already wrote one.
*Everyone looks at J2 like, how the fuck YOU know*
J2: um but yeah I mean I heard about it, its called 30…I mean 100 miles to go..I think.
*After making 104 incorrect predictions about the movie*
N: uhoh here comes the cops to arrest him
D: Um 105
J: See N, that was the Doppler effect, the sirens got louder as the came closer and quieter as they went away…wrong again ma’am
N: Nah see they just circling the block!
D: 106…
J: Mmmm Tequila! We should cook dinner, like Tacos and stuff and make margaritas!
T: How very stereotypical of you, Tacos and margaritas…lets invite the Lamdas!
*Facebooking and seeing a new “Relationship Status” on a HS friend*
J: Ohhh she’s single? DAMN her boyfriend was FINE!!!!
N: Oh, who’s boyfriend was fine!?
J: This girl, K from my high school…dang and I bet she untagged all their pictures together..yup
N: But he was fine..and now he’s SINGLE!
J: Yeah somewhere?! Wherever he is ..
N: Oh yeah LOL
J: Oh you weren’t there for this conversation!…So T and I were talking about Tequila…
N: Who is Tequlia?!
B: WHAT?!?
*After HEARING the theme to Dreamgirls*
“We are dreaming ohhhhh I’ll make you happy”
*Speaking of Girl Scout Cookies*
“Folks be anticipating these cookies like its an album by Jesus…”
B: MK I heard you tried out for the football team today?
M: Yeah, I went for moral support for A. I didn’t even have no cleats, I was out there in basketball shoes just sliding around…
B: *Touches N’s red and pink velour sweats* Did you get this for Valentine’s Day?
N: Nooo why do people keep asking me that?
J: Because you LOOK like Valentine’s day!
“I’m like a bird I wanna fly away!!”
“You’re on my coat”
*Guy on plane being told his carry-on has to be moved*
Flight Attendant: Sir I’m going to need you to move your bag, I can put it in an empty seat in the back, is there anything valuable in the bag?
Guy: Yeah, my bricks…
FA: Um ok…
*moves guys bag and keeps walking…later to return to front of plane*
G: Um miss, so what do I do when we’re in the air and I need my bag? Do I just get up and go back there??
FA: Sir, you are more than welcome to go sit with your bag in the empty seat.
G: I think I’ll just go do that then!!!
B: I gotta go get my bricks!
J: See I knew when he said ‘you’re on my coat’ he was a weirdo!!!
Homeless guy on the Subway with Louie Armstrong voice: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am trying my very best to get a hot meal..if you could please give a quarter, nickel, dime or penny it would be greatly appreciated! *jingles change in a plastic cup*
N: Look in that box at what V’s mom got me for Valentines day from V
K: Wait so its from her?
N: No she bought it but its from V, technically.
K: Oh, its nice. I like it.
N: Yeahhh really? Because I don’t, I think it looks really cheap actually.
K: Yeah like L just is always kinda bragging about how much money he makes and I dunno he’s Jewish but he’s only a social Jew.
N: Yeah like he’ll be talking and its like blah blah blah and then everyonce in a while he’ll just yell out ‘Jewish’!!!!!!
V: No he really doesn’t, but it would be so great if he did.
“With those grey contacts you look like a…..wack!”
J: Havana? Who is Havana???
B: Its cuz I wanna call her Hannah but I know that’s not right, so I just call her Havana
J: But that’s not her name?!?
Random Girl in Elevator: *In sexy-ish low voice* I got your text message
*K+J+B all get off the elevator*
K: I’m sorry was that a 1-900 call? I’m completely disoriented now…
*K mooching off of V and N’s Dinner*
K: Hey what did you get?
V: Its pasta with meat sauce
K: Can I have some?
V: Yeah
K: *eats healthy forkful*
V: Dude you just compltely ruined Lent, this has meat in it
K: *Spits out food* WHAT?!? Why didn’t you TELL me it had meat in it?
V: I DID, you asked me what it was and I told you and you said you wanted some?!?
K: You are Lucifer! I am Jesus walking through the wilderness not eating meat and you are Lucifer with pasta and meat sauce!
*About to go to a lingerie party*
V: Hey V2, So S is going to be at the party, and apparently she’s wearing lingerie
V2: Ugh dude, I’ll chop my dick off before I go to thsi party!!!
K: Yeah did I tell you about the time that A made out with A2?
J: Yeah you did, I love A2!
K: Hey A, do you remember that time when you made out with A2?
A: Why don’t we save this convo for when we’re *not* in an elevator?
Random Elevator Guy: What’re we talkin about?
J: Acutally we were just discussing making out with A2…
REG: Oooh well which one of yous is A2?
**laughter by all in elevator**
J: She’s not here, actually
REG: Oh well is she in the building? What floor is she on?!?
*Watching a talk show with a 900lb woman*
J: See even the 900lb woman is having sex…I’m going to bed on that note.
B: Maybe she had that kid before she was 900lbs?
J: 900lbs doesn’t come over night..wait she’s got TWO kids?!? And a BOYFRIEND?!
B: Ok even the 900lb woman has a boyfriend…now I’m going to bed.
*Standing in CROWDED line for Florida/UT Game*
” I can’t reach for my cell phone without giving somebody a hand job…”
“I think I just lost my virginity”
“Are you reading a book? BURN the book! Go to the library, BOOKIE!! Books make you open-minded, burn the words ON the pages!!!”
“This is my life, this is what I want to do”
“What do women throw away, lipstick right?”
*Speaking of J.L’s radio show*
J: Yeah so he handed me the mic to rap and I couldn’t but it didn’t matter because the only people that listen to his show are prisoners
Dr: So can any of you guess the holiday with the 2nd most reported cases of Domestic Violence? Give you a hint, its in April…
D: April Fools! ‘Oh you thought I wasn’t gone beat yo ass today? April fools!’
“Does it sound like Africa?”
“I’m not gonna let hay fever keep ME down!”
J: Yeah in this new video Shakira and Beyonce are like twins
N: Oh shit yall I had to close my eyes to try and see that, I forgot I was driving!
J+B: Oh HELL naw! Open your damn eyes, you can’t IMAGINE with your eyes open?!?
N: If your suffix is 901…you’re from Memphis! I mean at least if you’re 731 I can be like ok you’re not from Memphis…K’s suffix is 901 but T’s is 731
J: Um suffix? thats definitely after do you mean PREfix? Or better yet Area Code?
B: Yeah I was gonna let it go but why are you not calling it area code?
N: I mean yall know what I mean!
T: Aww shucks…Aww SHUCKS!
J: What? you lookin at the money you made last night?
T: I caught a 5 dollar bill fool!
“…try sleeping over there! You layin in the bed and then all of a sudden you hear A yelling ‘what THE fuck’…”
“Ne Ne smells like a newborn”
“Minty-tingle” (this convo is STILL going on)
D: Yeah so my weirdest experience WAKING UP was…….
N: Yeah and mine was this one time I WOKE UP and heard….
J: Ohh! I WOKE UP once and saw…..
K: I’ve never told anyone this story but this one time I fell asleep and when I was AWAKENED…
*It gets to be N’s turn*
N: I had a weird dream the other night
D: No see we’re discussing waking up, and if you’re UP you can’t dream!
N: No wait I don’t understand the rules of the game…
J+N+K+D: IT’S NOT A GAME!!!
“My cousin’s an AKA I wanna be one too! I love it when they stomp and yell!!”
*S trying *unsuccessfully* to distinguish Greeks from Gangs*
“I mean we might fight sometimes, whatever, and we wear certain colors and throw up signs…but we’re NOT a gang”
B: Look at N’s jeans….
J: lol I know right! Those are her Detroit jeans
B+J: *LOL*
“This lil piece of town…”
“You mean the GUEST room? cause GUESS what? You’re a GUEST!!”
N: I mean I said NYU but mom vetoed it
T: Well then you need to ME-to it and that means YOU are paying for it!
“Jesus Christ on the cross…”
“This evening…later on…eventually”
“Call me tomorrow afternoon to make sure I’m drunk”
K: *Putting on chap-stick*
T: Ohh girl let me have some of that lip chap!
K: *Squeezes a little bit on T’s finger*
T: Now K, you know I need more than that girl, you know I got big lips! Especially my top lip, you know ITS big!!
G: She got that white girl smile
J: What is a white girl smile?
G: You know that smile thats only a 1/2 smile, like its crooked…
D: Oh yeah its like they’re smiling like this *does face*
G: Yeah…thats the white girl smile
*Sits back to watch*
D: Dang, she DOES have that white girl smile!
K: Ohh here it go wah-oh wah-oh
D: Yeah, that wacka wacka
J: There is no wacka wacka, its just wah-oh wah-oh
D: If I say its a wacka wacka, its a wacka wacka! T, don’t you hear the wacka wacka?
T: Ummhmm wacka wacka!
C: Ohh that bracelet look expensive, is that Tiffany?
J: And Company!
“You’re not high class…you wear Baby Phat!”
“You mean to tell me that in all the conversations you’ve had with him you’ve never thought ‘He’s slow’??”
“I mean you walk in the room you don’t think ‘ohh he’s cute’ you think ‘he’s slow’ like he used to ride the short bus”
“You better do good, you got the whole world out there watching you…AND Africa!”
“Your hair DRIES straight?!? Thats amazing girl!”
J: Baby thats DUMB! You went through all this education to re-learn the English language?
T: Noooo its IPA
J: what is IPA? Is this for another sorority? Is this for Stage Phi Stage?
J2+N+T: Stage Phi Stage???!?!?!
“There should be a condom for balls too, you can catch Herpies from balls!”
B: I need for you to pluck these 4 eyebrows, 3 on the left side and 1 on the right…
J: Ok just put on an outfit, a WHOLE bunch of lotion, and come on over!
“I just had to lay down in the freezer…take the L”
“You’re Mrs. Slowsky! You’re in the house in the window ‘push it faster’ and he’s outside ‘you get out here and push it! push it real good’!!!!!”
E: Yall go to UT?
All: Yeah
E: Are yall some ___s?
J+K: *makes face & points to T*
J: I was about to say ‘ugh no’
K: I was going to say ‘HELL no’
E: So dang, just the light-skinned one huh?
J: Thats the only one they picked
“T, I’m not going to make anymore jokes about your sorority…but I respect your sorority, if you were a ___I’d still make fun of you…and if You were a ___….well I wouldn’t know enough about you to make fun of you”
S: Did yall have plastic forks?
J: What?
S: Did yall have plastic forks…for the cake?
J: Nigga I don’t mutha fuckin know! I don’t fuckin live here bitch, why the FUCK you askin me?
A: That is my GIRL!
C: Nah you gotta do the shy laugh, that never fails!
J: Oh yeah *shy laugh*, man that shit used to work all the time Freshman year!
T: Why the fuck were you doing the shy laugh freshman year?????
J: I mean so I could copy they homework…of COURSE!
J: *smack’s T in the mouth* Don’t sass mouth me!
B+J2: *Hysterical laughter despite domestic violence element*
J: *Grabs T’s arm*
B: Uhoh he grabbed the arm!
J2: And its April Fool’s day! ‘You thought I wasn’t gon beat yo ass today? April Fools!’
“I haven’t seen that girl since”
“So the lil AKAs at school had their week or whatever and they had these shirts that said ‘I still love Black Men’…so me and C said we gon get shirts made that say ‘Men Still Suck’ and on the back its gon say ‘But I ain’t dykin’…”
“Fuck these banana trees!”
“Hell naw I don’t want to hug yo ass! I already saw that ass…smacked that ass…tapped that ass…damn, I’ll never forget that ass”
“If you kissin him, he kissin you…you touchin him and he touchin you back, you READY!”
“A mouth is a mouth”
“I think its important to note that we understand that oral sex is sex…in the mouth”
“It looks like its gonna rain…that over there looks like a tornado sky!”
N: Why is the elephant $2.49 and all the other animals $1.99???
B: Well you know the elephant is the largest animal…
T: Yeah…You right!
N+J: *wtf faces*
“Maybe that other bitch didn’t dig in her butt”
“How do you have a fade…and dreads? I wanna know WHAT hairbook you saw that in!!! I mean was it Hype Hair? Sophistocates Hair? Hair Today? When was it published? 1994!!! And if it was in there, was it listed as a ‘what not to do’? And if that is in fact true, then what makes YOU think that if it wasn’t acceptable in 1994, that its acceptable today!??!”
J: Me and B aren’t even really friends remember he got barred before Mrs. B, like last summer…he hasn’t been the same since he was fuckin her, she’s got Toxic Pussy, it changes people…
T: *laughs* what?!?
J: You know its like on Batman when the Riddler is normal and then he falls into the Toxic, and he’s changed forever? Her pussy is like that…her pussy is Toxic, she’s a Toxic dump!
B: Quoteboard!
*After B realizes her drink has spilled”
D: OMG Who spilled?!?
B: I mean it happened when you jumped on the mattress!
D: *Runs to get his water and Shout*
J: Danny Tanner! Is that seltzer water!
D: B, you can’t come back to my house!
“Is that yo auntie over here in the purple shirt?”
“The back of her neck cut my arm”
A: I don’t fuck!
J: WHAT?!?
A: Nah nah nah thats not what I meant to say
T: I think what you meant to say was ‘I dont fuckin drink’
A: Yeah yeah!
J: Naw, that shit was a Freudian slip nigga! Want me to start you a facebook group?
*After T drops hashbrowns*
T: Aw man, I dropped, where’d it go?
D: *In the kitchen, hears the word ‘dropped’ Who DROPPED?!
T: Nah like I thought I did but…*Covers hashbrown with his shoe*
K: No D, come back, T dropped food! Its right here! Its under his shoe!!!
T: Man you a SNITCH!
D: WHO IN THE HELL DRIED THEIR HANDS ON MY FUCKIN DECORATIVE TOWEL!!!!!
T: *sits up and laughs* It was probably K…
K: NO it wasn’t!!! I used the brown one!!!
D: LOOK! Its all WET and wrinkled and shit!! *storms off*
N: It was you, T,wasn’t it?
T: Yup
N2: And me…
“I think those braids make people ghetto”
“She shouldn’t have those issues, she doesn’t even come from a broken home!”
“You gone mess around and catch The AIDS in the sand!”
“You can’t talk about groupies around GROUP”
“My right side is asleep, but my left side is still like ‘YEAHHHH’!!!”
“7 dollars in fucking change, are you fucking kidding me? Do I look like COINSTAR? Take that shit to Kroger!”
B: *speakin of C*
D: Oh you mean the one with the curly-Qs?
“A PETTY pink and green
Tried to steal my shine
I’m Aura 12, I’m crunk as hell,
SO DONT YOU STEP TO MY LINE!! OOO-OP!!!”
~*~As said by MY K.C.Y. the night of her Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. probate, it was the best birthday gift ever!!!~*~
*As J passes a ‘local’ club after our mandatory evacuation from the Broker*
“Look at them over there! They leanin and rockin, fightin and shootin, and ain’t nobody arresting them!
B: Where did you get that sweatshirt?
J: Um from over there on the table.
N: OMG its not yours! Take it off you’re going to catch AIDS
J: From a sweatshirt?!?!?
N: There could be BLOOD on the sweatshirt!!!
“One of yall got a napkin or a wet-wipe?”
*Watch Charm School, there’s mention of a Grilled ‘tired ass’ Cheese sandwich*
J: Could it be, that tired ass comes first? The Tired Ass Grilled Cheese sandwich?
B: Naw cuz see its the cheese thats tired
J: Oh ok, she grilled it right!
B: Yeah…
N: If yall don’t BOTH shut the fuck up!
J: We can go to Six Flags, I haven’t been there in ages!
D: Six Flags it is…but when?
J: Doesn’t matter to me, I’m open like a freshman at Gibbs on a saturday night
D: *LMAO* Well let me know so I can start wrapping my change…you think I can pay in all pennies?
J: So I was wondering…if the Alphas are ice cold and they crossed burning sands…how did they stay cold?
N: Well because in the desert it gets cold at night…
J: Yeah but not FREEZING, not enough to freeze or for anything to stay frozen
N: Hmm, but it is cold. Ok well maybe see…It was in December so it was colder than normal
J: Yeah but in Africa, they are in the Southern Hemisphere so their seasons are backwards, right?
N: Nah because in Egypt they’re like at the Equator but on the Northern side like us, so it was winter.
J: But hell they’re on the Equator…it HAD to be hot!!! The Sand was BURNING! I’m gonna call an Alpha…
**Calls A**
J: A, so ok if you cross burning sands how do you stay so ice cold?
A & N simultaneously: Well see it was an ICE COLD TUESDAY….
N: Yeah yeah see we was thinkin Africa, we gotta think New York!
A: Yeah on the day we were founded it was an Ice Cold Tuesday in Ithaca so I mean it was cold, I mean it was freezing!
J: So what about this sand…when you cross it..
J & N simultaneously: Why didn’t you melt?
A: NAH! When we stepped on the sand, it froze! Because frozen isn’t a temperature its a state of mind!!! See you remember last year in December, it wasn’t cold like the whole month but on December 4th it was cold…its because when we are born into Alpha we become frozen and we remain frozen forever!
J: I don’t remember it being cold on December 4th…
N: No it was!!!!! I remember because M had on a coat!!!!!!!!
J: Why are you co-signing!!! He just made all that up!!!!!
A: No I didn’t! You should know all this
J: Why should I know YOUR history?
A: Because its not just my history, its Black History and Alpha paved the way for everyone out here wearing blue and red, we have leaders that inspired their leaders!
J: Ok I give you that much, but you just made up that whole freezing sand thing…I bet I get like a million different explainations if I ask anybody else that SAME question…
“I’m pre-hazing, ‘Bitch go get me a drink!!!'”
G: So are you making stuff for every organization? Are you gonna make the Kappas a cloud?
J: A cloud? why a cloud?
G: Because they float!
J: They what?
G: You know, they float *simulates Kappa Shimmey*
J: I mean thats the shimmey, we don’t say you Choo Choo
G: Hell naw! Cuz we train!
N: And what does a train say?
J: Choo Choo! So a train goes choo choo…
J & N: And a cloud goes float!
“Why it gotta be the RED iguana? Everybody knows iguanas are GREEN! Why it even gotta be a color, why can’t it just be ‘The Iguana'”??
“Was it like, ‘ohhhh she got that WALK!’ or like ‘OOOOHH she got that walk!'”
” I think I peed on myself…I was trying to hover and I felt a warm trickle going down my leg”
“We know you can do it, you go sit down wit yo ‘i know how to do it ass'”
K: Who’s that?
J: Its D, why?
K: No reason
N: So we’re lying tonight, K?
J: I guess so well…I’m pregnant !
N: Wait who’s lying
J: We all are, tell a lie.
N: I don’t have one
J: What you mean you don’t have one, its a lie! Its anything thats not true! Say you’re white?!?
N: Ok, I’m white…this better not end up on Quoteboard!
J: Nope I’m typing that shit up right now!
N: He’s not on facebook
D: Not on facebook?!? Ohh that nigga’s a secret!
T: Ohh I like how that sounds, ‘Who’s L, she’s not on facebook she’s a secret!'”
T: Damn…I need more honey mustard
*Silence and T begins to laugh*
J: 1, go get T some honey mustard!
T: *laughs* Thats what I was thinkin but I didn’t want to say anything!!!! I promise I’ma stop….just as soon as J does!
J: Aww well hell…
J: Shut up you don’t know! You’re DRUNK!
T: No I’m not! Coconut!
J: Damn…you’re not.
*The fact that J let T win this battle is indicative they they were BOTH drunk*
“THAT’s the best he could come up with? Ugh, if I had asked his LBs what it was they would have made up something creative and incorporated ‘Ice Cold Tuesdays’ in it!”
*Noting D’s picture of Dr. King*
J: You know…Dr. King was a 5
D: Yeah I know!!!
N: If you ask K, he’d say Dr. King was a tre
D: Nah nah nah he was a 5
J: This time, he speaks the truth
*Yelling at a Homeless man that cursed at us as he was in the middle of the street*
“If YOU don’t have a home to go to when you cross the street you shut the hell up!!!”
K: Anybody want anything from Wal-Mart?
N: Ohh a corndog!
K: A corndog? like a single one?
N: Nooo the frozen ones, they’re Tyson they’re on the frozen food aisle. Ohh yes a corndog
K: Random, nigga I’m going to wal-mart not the State Fair!
T: Yeah I’m on I-hop strike…Little Debbie strike…
J: Oh yeah why you on Ihop strike?
T: Cuz I had like 5 bad experiences in a row…
J: Why you on Little Debbie strike?
T: Man something was wrong with my gingerbread man
J: Who gets gingerbread from Little Debbie?
T: Me! You know the little gingerbread men with the icing…it was a rough day…now I don’t mess with any of them, not a swiss cake roll, fudge round, nothing!
M: Man, it smells like summer out here!
J: M, what does summer smell like?
M: You know, the pool and hot!
*K gets up to get C a drink*
K: C, they don’t have any ‘red’
C: Awwww man!
All: RED?!?
“Look at this, its like Picturetopia”
*reading Cosmo article mentioning sex in the ocean*
J: Eww sex in the ocean doesn’t even seem sanitary
T: Nah all that nasty ocean water
J: I know right, you probably gone get something…
T: Yeah from that pollution, you gone get pollutionitis
*N plugs in computer*
N: You might want to keep that plugged in my battery dies kinda quick
J: Oh yeah I was wondering why the light had got so quiet…
“La______ Nicole”
“Whoa”
“They gave away a WHOLE Tahoe…Can you pass me my WHOLE purse?”
“They do not say, ‘no shirt, no shoes, no MITTENS, no service'”
J: T, are you talkin to anybody?
T: Not talkin…I’m texting…why somebody wanna talk to me?
J: Huh? oh NAW!
“Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah…Hello?”
“Everytime she say something, I gotta say ‘huh’ and its a reasonable huh too”
“He look like he answer the phone, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, hello?
B: Go out the back do’ go out the back do’ N, look!
N: What?
B: You’ll see in a second…
N: *door opens* I GOTTA GO TO WORK!
A: Why was there chocolate syrup at the party?
N: Because we were out of whipped cream!
“You know she has a boyfriend mmmm-hmmm MTSU uh-huh”
K: What you doin tonight?
J: Watchin the Notebook
“You drive a Dodge,you used to drive a BMW!”
“Man, I’m drunk…but I don’t know how it happened it was like abracadabra and the next thing I know…”
“I mean after you say your first “ella ella” you’re just hooked!”
B: So you know about C right? I mean you know about C correct?
N: Yeah yeah yeah yeah
*hysterical laughter*
N: I didn’t think abour it until after I started and I couldn’t stop! By the 3rd yeah I was like N, shut up.
*Discussing the Mu Gammas from ‘Stomp the Yard’ *
M: Man they was some Kappas!
A: Nah man, they was real hard like some Ques!
M: Fuck that, they had on red! Ques wear purple and yellow! Plus they had canes, Kappas the only ones that step with canes!
J: Nuh-uh the Sigmas use canes too
M: WHO!?! Where I come from, we didn’t have no blue people! I didn’t see them til I got HERE!
B: Doesn’t W go to school in North Carolina? And they have Zetas
M: Yeah I seen the blue girls, just not the blue boys!
“QUICKLY”
Random guy outside the club: Aye bay bay!
J+J2+B: REALLY!?!?
*D+T singing at the table*
Waiter: Ohhh do we have Boyz II Men over here?
D: Haha, thats a dollar off your tip
*Waiter doesn’t give D a salad bowl*
D: *holds up two fingers*
T: Man yeah, the pink people wanted me to hang out again tonight…
J: I thought you said Pink Panther I was about to break up with you as a friend
D: Wait who is a Pink Panther?
T: Yo roommate?
J: HELL NO, the day my roommate gets a nick name is the day we stop rooming together!
“I have a quote!!!”
“Man, but she fat…man, but I like her!”
B: Man I wish I was attracted to either one of them..
J: Why?
B: Cuz I would snatch um up!
*whispers*
“Never mind”
*Watching Acuvue commerical*
“Hmm I have astigmatism…”
*Changes channel*
“Speaking of thighs…no wait she has hips…where is JM?
“You gone give em up smoothly or I’m gone break my hoof off in your goose ass”
K: Man dudes think just because a girl has sex that she’s a freak
D: What! No…I mean just because you went, doesn’t mean you goin!
*After R and J take sip of J2’s drink*
“Wow I wonder what STDs are in my cup now?”
“My hair was messed up for three days!”
“Condoms from Africa…THEY HAVE AIDS!!!! Who the fuck wants an African Condom?”
*discussing Oobie on Lil’ Jon’s ‘One Night Stand’*
J: I wonder how she got this job…singing hooks for Lil Jon’s fuck music?
B: They probably grew up together
J: *stops car and stares*
J: I mean do I even like you?
B: You must, you’re in my bed!
“I’ma stay prayed up…walking in the path of the Lord”
“Game recognize game, and you lookin kinda unfamiliar!”
Dear Santa,
You are a bitch nigga
You are a bitch ASS nigga!
Is this it? This is what I got all those ass-whoopings for? I had a dream once, a dream that little black boys and little black girls would drink from the river of prosperity and be freed from the thirst of oppression. But low and behold some four decades later what have I found but a bunch of trifflin, shiftless, good for nothing NIGGAS and I know some of you don’t want to hear me say that word. Its the ugliest word in the English Language, but thats what I see now-NIGGAS! And you don’t want to be a nigga, because niggas are living contradictions. Niggas are full of unfulfilled ambitions, niggas watch and wain, niggas love to complain, niggas love to hear themselves talk but HATE to explain. Niggas love being another mans judge and jury, niggas procrastinate until its time to worry, niggas love to be late, niggas hate to hurry. Black Entertainment Television is the WORST thing I’ve ever seen in my life…I’ve seen whats around the corner, I’ve seen whats over the horizon and I promise you, you niggas have NOTHING to celebrate, and no I won’t get there with you, I’m going to Canada!!
~Dr.Martin Luther King Jr. look on present day Black America via ‘The Boondocks’
I’m drunk so i can say this whole-heartedly…if you’re going to take some shit off of fuckin facebook over what you KNOW to be true…you’re a lame ass nigga and a lame ass bitch and don’t deserve real friends. so Face and Mrs. Face, you can kiss my WHOLE black ass. Good Day.
“You like a house nigga, you’re a good nigga”
“Man thats nigga technology”
V: Man you know she big…
N: How?
V: Cuz she gotta open her legs all wide to get up
“I was gone tell her on Tuesday but I got saved Monday night…”
*After K reads a questionable text message*
“Where they doin that at?”
“You fine, but you couldn’t get it if your dick was made of gold and I was a leprechaun!”
J: *rapping* Throw some d’s on that bitch, just bought a cadillac, somethin somethin with a yak..
B+N: WHAT?!?
J: huh?
B: What did you say? the wrong words
J: I mean yeah I said somethin somethin with a yak
N: But I feel like you know the words….
B: Fuck niggas wanna check
N: Shit tight no slack…
J: That doesn’t make sense?!?
N: How does ‘shit tight no slack’ not make sense?
J: Who says that in normal conversation
B: When yo pants are too tight…
J+N: WHAT?!?!?!
“She smell like hot dog water”
J: Ok so I have a question…
K: Oh gosh…is it about giving head? Having sex? Being on top? Having a kid?
J: Um NO! Its about love, can’t I call and ask you about love ???
K: Oh yeah…that, yeah whats up?
*Watching Charm School…Like Dat is talking*
N: Ugh I hate her, she can’t TALK
J: *looks at N like ummmm*
N: I mean I know I can’t speak either…but I’m working on it
J: *laughs*
D: *coughs* Cough
J: Did you just cough and say cough?
N: Yeah he did…
J: I’ma start doin that, *scratches* scratch…
N: I wanna burp and say ‘burp’
D: Now thats just weird…
“I didn’t get no damn shelf, I mean am I a Delta or what?!?”
“Mmm I always heard ‘when you KNOW better you DO better’ mmm”
“Your repetition reflects your reputation” *CHURCH*
“You should just end the conversation right now and say ‘out south'”
P: J, come here
J: No you come around here
P: No get up!
J: WHY
*J gets up and endures minutes of completely pointless conversation*
J: So why did I get up?
P: Because I’m your POOH BEAR
R: Did you just refer to yourself as Pooh Bear?
“No! Ice Box isn’t like that he’s… wait, *whispered* which one is for cats spayed or neutered?”
*Downtown at a BAR J has on a ‘Bride to Be’ tiara*
“Happy Birthday…ohhhh wait Good Luck with THAT (points to tiara)”
“Hmm how do you spell ‘hoe’???”
“I am fatigued…it’s a symptom, look it up!”
J: I won a hundred dollars last night.
J2: How?
J: Being cute.
A: Who’s driving? I’ve been drinking!
N: Not me! J, you can drive…
J: No way I’m on drink #3!
A: B can drive
N+J: Noooo…thats not a good idea, B can’t drive.
A: Well _ can’t drive she got……..
N+J: OH WOW! *laughter*
“Look at this shit…no really LOOK at this shit!”
“She gave me a sobriety test and everything, I passed that bitch with flying colors!”
J: I mean like…what is pepper
N: Its natural
J: *look of bewilderment*
J: Yeah so like she said she gained all that weight from eating out…
E: *laughs* Thats funny considering she’s a lesbian
J2: *laughs* oh wow, inappropiate!!
J:..and there were all these ‘townies’!
J2: Townies? You mean Locals?
A: Thats why I dropped my last name, I don’t have a last name
J: Wait you mean like Cher?
A: Something exploded in the dishwasher
J: Um the soap was released?
J: I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a ‘friend’ like my grandma says, or no wait, my aunt has been dating this man for so long I thought he was my uncle!
J2: ME TOO! Aunt Uni and Uncle Richard!
J: UNI?!? Like a Uni-cycle?
“You know we keep that white girl, that Jennie Erin Miller”
J: Whats wrong with Malibu? I might die?
C: 1. You’re over dressed, you need on like a wifebeater and jeans
J: Oh WORD? That sounds like freshman year, lets go!
“This chair keeps bumping into me!”
J: Do you know why we call cocaine ‘white girl’?
J2: No why?
J: Because both are the demise of the black community
“Home is where the heart is…FUCK MEMPHIS!”
E: I think I’m going to fuck J.
J: You said that so casually like, “Oh I’m going to wear blue tomorrow”
J+J2: *Laugh*
E: Wait, why are you wearing blue tomorrow?
J+J2: *More Laughter*
**5 minutes passes*
E: So really, why are you going to wear blue?
J: D sent a txt that said, “does she swallow in true white girl fashion?”
J+J2+E: *laughter*
E: But its cleaner!
J+J2: *doubled over crying in laughter*C: Why do you not have anything that I’ve said on your quote board?
J: I mean what do you say that I need to remember for like, my whole life?
C: I’ve said at least 3-4 things in this conversation alone
J: Have you?!?
“You know he got that domestic in him”
A: Why you got on these happy socks?
J: They’re not happy, its just frogs.
A: I know but they’re so happy.
J: Yeah its because they’re saying ‘ribbit’
“We don’t do that baby, we don’t DO that!”
*Following a conversation about race and aging*
“Thats exactly why you gotta put me on NOW, you know white girls expire!”
N: She over there cakin on the phone and shit
J: Who cakin? This is not even my cakin voice, and this man has a girlfriend.
N: You have a cakin voice?
J: Yeah, I learned from Janet like everybody else…and I couldn’t be cakin in the same room with yall anyway my game is vicious.
N: Janet who?
J: Janet Jackson!
N: I didn’t learn how to cake from no Janet Jackson
J: Everybody did! You know she be whispering, those interludes?!?
“If you had a penis you’d be sticking it in everything…”
J: If I were pink, I wouldn’t wear red.
N: She looks like Valentine’s Day.
White Girl: How did you get me the Greek discount?
Black Girl: You Greek nigga!
J: *throwing up the A* I mean what is Memphis?
G: What is MEMPHIS?!? What is a Atlanta?
J: No I mean really, is Memphis like a suburb of Chattanooga?
G: lol, you’re an asshole
B: What do you mean what is Memphis? Its this *Throws up sign for ‘North’* and its this too *throws up sign for ‘Blackhaven’* and its this too but wait you might think thats the phi, but its not…its Memphis.
J: Shouldn’t you be at home making a lesson plan?
B: Nah we shootout in class EYYYYYYY
J: Isn’t he cute? Except he is light-skinned and he has dimples
B: Um yeah! That equals cute…on his face!
“I’m glad my crotch doesn’t stink, because its right here in this air vent…”
J: Did a guy check you out a the gas station?
N: No but a girl did
J2+D+T: *puzzled faces*
D: And she said yea like it was just so normal!
“Is this an ironing board for midgets?!”
“I feel like all 5 of us would make one ok person [to drive drunk]”
T: How do strippers get paid?
S: Well the club gets their money of the top…10%, its like tithing
“I’m mad dude got up and left, and she still here dancing…for free!”
“Look she changed outfits and came back!”
“She’s a dyke! She didn’t do all that shit for me!”
Stripper: Um you want a dance?
J: Um no thank you.
S: *looks at J2* I heard you were the freaky one, you want a dance?
J2: WHAT?!? No, I’m not freaky…and I’m broke
S: *walks away*
“Her boobs are way too perfect to be real”
J: Um, so I thought that girl over there had on an AKA shirt, but looking again I think it said ‘Strokers’
T: Um wow
J: But it was pink and green!!!
*leaving we see a car w/ AKA tags*
J: See! I told you she had on a AKA shirt, there go her car right there!
T: Booty butt cheeks, booty butt cheeks
J: Um T, its ‘move them butt cheeks’
T: Move them booty butt cheeks, move them booty butt cheeks!
“Get your pussy out of my jeans”
*Talking to a guy next to us on Peachtree St.*
J: So where are you going?
Guy: The Compound, where yall headed?
J: House! So you’re going to the Hip Hop awards kick off party huh?
G: yeah, I’m goin to the show…I’m an artist
T: An ARTIST?!? What do you sing? Are you Brandon Hines?
G: No… uh hold on *cell phone mysteriously rings*
J: I ain’t never seen him before…hmm but he did have a nice watch, and that was an 07 S-class
*Turning onto MLK Drive*
“Aw look at us we’re living the dream with all this diversity!”
E: Welcome to Gladys and Ron’s my name is E, I’ll be your server for the evening our special waffle is strawberry and our vegetable is…..well it don’t matter its nasty anyway.
J: Nah what is it?
E: Uhhhh *looking it up* the speckled bean.
J: Ok E, we need a no bullshit kind of experience because so far everywhere we go has been on some BS, so you can’t suck ok?
T: Mmhmm you had to look up the specials, how many times have you had to say that today, how long have you been on the clock?
E: I mean nobody orders it, it don’t even taste good…its speckeled beans!
*After being hit from behind in the car we all get out*
J: Are you ok?
Crazy driver: Yeah I’m fine
J: Are you DRUNK?!? wait, is that a 2007 Jaguar XK8!!??
D: Mmm my neck hurts!
“Look at the room, what the HELL did yall do?!? why is the mattress all off the frame?”
T: J I’m mad at you, we’re NOT friends!
*1 minute passes*
T: *whining* Jesssssss I can’t reach my waffle
J: *pushes plate from T’s legs up to stomach*
T: I love you!
D: What you NEED to get is a Sugar mama!
T: Yeah we know one of those
“Thats why I fux wit you!”
“I’m just gonna lay here drinking until my pain goes away”
D: Ugh my liver hurts…
J: We don’t want to hear about your health problems while we’re drinking!
D: You’ll listen or you’re going to be the flower girl at my funeral!
N: No she said, ‘so what are yall like 16’?
J: Her ass is 16…in a size 10 outfit!
“Yeah, you can look me up on MySpace…you want my display name?”
Random guy: Your friend is so sexy
J: Yeah, I know…
RG: No I mean like, I should buy you a drink because she’s so sexy!
“I don’t think your friends like me…I’m pretty intuitive, that may just be the Aquarius in me…”
“T, apparently you’re a great listener!”
“Wait wait, but she had on a matching headband!”
T: You guys know at the end of The Incredibles when they crash and the little boy is like ‘That was totally WICKED’??
J: Yeah…
T: Thats how I feel about this weekend!
“That shit dropped her from the [wedding] party to the pew!”
“People will forget Jesus before they forget that fiasco… and no one forgets Jesus.”
“I also had a dream that I was having sex with Tinkerbell then I woke up, cuz my piece was 2x bigger than she was, but I get up to take a piss and I had glitter on my pubes…”
*Driving past the police station seeing a couple under arrest*
D: Damn, she fucked him up did you see her hair?
J: Yeah and he didn’t even have his shirt on…guess she took back the night!
“And who is this Miss Cheetah bitch?”
J: Wait who is this?
J2+N: A HOE!
J: I mean but what she look like?
J2+N: A HOE!
J: What’d she have on
J2+N: Somethin a HOE would wear
J: UGH!!!!
J:My mama swears I got some black in me
J2: Well…at one time you did
A: He had cancer as a child
J: Aww what kind?
A: *shrugs shoulders*
J: So he just has cancer…in general?
“Be a man about it, make him think everything is good, get that sex, then disappear like Spiderman”
N: I’ma start barring bitches from hello
J: He-NO!
*Speaking about sex and babies*
“When you stick something in there’s a chance something will come out !!”
“Sexy? Maybe from the legs down”
“Yeah I went to this Bat Mitzvah once, and they passed out this candy. So like at the end everyone throws the candy at the girl as she’s leaving and I couldn’t because I had eaten mine…I mean they gave me CANDY!”
E: So that blue book, is that for Law School?
J: Yeah
E: Oh because I was thinking cars…
“I mean why won’t my hair grow, I take vitamins and I eat this jello!”
J: I love these [yellow] shoes, I mean its just like when I’m in them people should like STOP
J2: Um actually its more like ‘Slow down’ cuz their yellow
“In 2004, Mr. Bigg was robbed and shot in his right eye while sitting in a car. He now wears a $100,000 diamond in place of his eye.”
“It’s funny how some people choose to categorize others on this campus. What kind of impression have you made on me to make me want to befriend you? Don’t get mad because someone didn’t want to sleep with you and you got BLUE balls and you felt the need to call her and her friends groupies.Go fly, FLY, far away. I guess I’m just gonna have to love those APES then huh?!?! You can Kiss my ass! I’m highly offended by your actions!”
J: Who is that?
G: Thats the white, black, mixed girl…she’s always here
“Whew! I need to sit down before I pass out *scoots by* excuse me I didn’t mean to put all this on ya, you know I’m thick, and I know you weren’t ready for it!”
“I’m like really pretty, why don’t I have a boyfriend? Don’t people see how pretty I am? HONESTLY”
D: Well I’m going to the comedy show
J: I’m not, I’m taking that as me time to drink and get ready
D: Aww..
J: What? do I need to see the comedy show?
D: No…I don’t want you drinking without me
J: Oh ok well then I won’t…ok not really
D: You fuckin suck
J: Like a year ago I used to be a prude
J2: Am I taking the blame for that too? No I’m not taking the blame for that!
J: No, no one is…I just finally gave into my love of glitter
“My hair still looks cute, I gotta get drunk so I don’t care when its not”
J: Watch out they’re training
R: Oh so what do you want? My I’m scared face? My I’m intimidated, better get out of the way face? Or how about I give them my Oh Who the fuck cares face?!
“I understand what you mean, I feel ya”
“What about us lighter skinned people who maybe are seen TOO much?”
“SPOTLIGHT!”
“Yall, I think I was might’ve been drunk this morning”
J: Did you know that seals eat penguins?
K: Nah man they eat fish
J: But they eat penguins too…
M: Do you mean sea lions or seals?
K: Nah seal man, see they eat fish like at the zoo and stuff right but seals eat penguins yeah they’re vicious seals are predators!
J: Really…
K: Yeah see they jump in the water, cuz they eat fish…………..and they have those teeth man, seals eat fish, lions, tigers, bears ALL that man!
“I got Nancy Kerrigan’d”
S: Alpha groupies for life
W: FUCK THAT *walks off*
T: Up on deck we’ve got Alpha Groupie #1
C: You don’t stay in no damn Atlanta
J: Um yeah I do, BANKHEAD!!!!!
C: You don’t stay in no Bankhead…maybe Buckhead
J2: Some damn, Roswell hell Sandy Springs
J: Fuck that, I’m from Bankhead
K: Man I LIVE in Atlanta
J: No you don’t, quit lyin
K: Nah I do, I stay in Cobb County
J: Where in Cobb County?
K: Off Cascade…
**For non-ATLiens this is like saying You stay in Shelby County off Kingston Pike**
J: If I give you this ticket, you gotta shake something to get in
K: Oh I’ll shake somethin for you, and got that tongue action
J: Oh wow…
K: Yeah, I’m a beast *flicks tongue*
J: Its noon!?!
“She can’t even do her sorority call cuz hell she run out of breath half-way through!”
?: I think I fell in love with this Que he was so fine…he was easily the finest Que I’ve ever seen
??: Ooh he was a pretty boy Que!
?: Yeah, he was!
??: See thats the best kind cuz then you get it rough like a Que but smooth like a Kappa
?: Lol Oh wow..and with both theres the process
??: Yup, there’s nothing better than a Que…except for a QueKappa
“I didn’t see switchery I saw trickery”
“I thought about putting the ‘Eye of Horus’ on my body and then I thought…what the fuck am I going to do with the Eye of Horus on my body!”
“And all he got to bring is some yum yum and some cum”
“… Now you all dehydrated, half handicapped and can’t even walk!”
J: Aww S’s here? Run up stairs and tell her she looks like a Dunwoody!
T: *runs upstairs 5 minutes later returns* Yeah, S isn’t here.
“HEYYYYYY thats my SON!”
“With the right lube you can put a cadillac in a mailbox.”
“Ladies wouldn’t this be a great place to put your clitoris?”
“This dress makes me look like I have a badonkadonk.”
J: Remember at E’s Pity Party when I sent out that mass text message to get J2 a date?
J2: And look where that go me
E: The next pity party…
J: I got the dinner and J got fucked…I mean fucked over
E: Literally and figuratively
“What cops don’t like Britney Spears?”
Random Guy In Bar: What are you ladies doing tonight? Raising hell?
E: Honey I am hell.
J: You just sent a smiley face back J? Do you even know what it said?
J2: I’m sure it was nice.
Incoming Text: Are u reading my txts?
J: Why isn’t Orange Nation ever orange anymore?
S: What are they just Nation now?
“Do you see this trickery, this trickeration.”
“We had the best weekend ever. We spent the whole weekend in bed naked…and watched ALL the Lord of the Rings.”
E: Omg is she asian?
J: Well she’s Asian and White
E: OMG is he black!? Because thats my perfect baby…its like the trifecta!
“Who are these people are they celebrities?!?”
J: I need a vacation…
D: A vacation from what?!? all u do is eat, sleep, fuck and act bougie
J: My friend K asked me about my status which is talkin about desperation…So he says, i love desperate girls they tend to swallow and let u put it more places and all u gotta do is tell em u like them and take them to Chili’s. Yes, exact quote. wth?!? lol
J2: lol wow. I guess it’s okay if they get dinner???
J: At CHILI’S!?!?!??!?!
J2: I like Chili’s lol
“Gag reflex is all in your head.”
*Watching Cinderella*
J:They got married! They got married!
E: Um hm and just cause she had a fancy pair of jellies.
J: Tila Tequila…what is she like Puerto Rican?
N: What?!?! She’s Asian!
J: But her last name is Tequila?
N+A: That’s not her REAL NAME!
J: Ohh….
*Looking at pictures of ballet dancers in interesting poses*
“Oh I bet they have that FYE sex life!”
*Picture of a dancer in a full split standing up*
“Yeah…Missionary!”
“You don’t like the chocolate girls, you like them creamy girls…I’m toffee!”
V: I wish people couldn’t lie for a day…
N: Mmm that would mess some people up, people would be ignoring calls all day
V: ….And you had to answer your phone, hell I’d go to his house!
J: Nah cuz you’d be bangin on the door like, ‘Nigga I KNOW You there’ and he’d be like ‘Yeah you right!’ and still not answer
K: Did yall hear that Alicia Keys has AIDS?
V: Alicia Keys to thick to have AIDS, nuh-uuh K!
J: What?!? lol Magic Johnson has AIDS he not skinny
V: He ain’t got no AIDS, he got all that money takin all those pills and he got this whole theater…
*On Run’s House Russy & Jus laying on the bed*
“I bet they’re in there having a real damn conversation…with their slow asses”
*Watching Run’s House*
J: Diggy is gone be fine when he gets older
K: Yeah and even if he’s not his clothes will make him cute…well, it didn’t help Jo-Jo…ok I’m not gone say he ugly
V: I mean he cute…
K: I can’t even give him cute
J: He’s attractive…to somebody just not me
V: I mean if I saw him in the mall I would be like ‘ohh thats Jo-Jo’ but I wouldn’t go up to him, I wouldn’t be like ‘Ohh wait a minute Jo-Jo’. Now let it be LL or Tyrese in the mall…
K & V: MMMMMM!
K: I don’t know about Tyrese though, sometimes depending on how the light hits him he look kinda ugly
V: Well I don’t know about that light…let MY light hit him…
?: Can you curl my hair?
??: Yeah girl
?: Before next Tuesday?
??: Yeah girl
?: Yeah I need curls cuz…..
???: Cuz you don’t sweat curls out!
????: Oh NO!!!!
??: Girl if its good you GONE sweat it out, yo hair’ll be all messed up and your roots’ll be soakin wet!!
?????: Or so you heard?
??: Yeah yeah yeah…or so I heard.
“J said I have to have a least 3 meals before I have sex…thats a lot of food!”
J: Why do mfa programs want me to freeze to death in the ghetto? I’m not doing school in baltimore, nor am i going to school in harlem
A: Lol, well everywhere i wanna go isn’t even in a city
J: UGH UM?? I’d rather swallow a knife than be a wolverine…sports has affected my future.
A: It happens when you go to a school with a program
J: Ugh, I shoulda gone to bumfuck U at nowheresville
G: Did you look outside in the yard? I got a new fountain!
M: Did FEMA pay for that?
“So….are they crazy? Or just poor?”
*speaking of Caviar*
T: Ew don’t mix red and black
D: No this is red we’re finishing it off
T: Oh I was about to say…we’re not ready for black yet
L: Cuz you know once you go black, you’ll never go back!
“This is T’s husband S. He’s Indian! Red dot not feather…”
*Getting served soup that looked like baby food*
T: Mmmmm
J: *laughter* I shouldn’t be sitting by you!
T2: What are you two laughing at!
J: Oh just something that happened yesterday…
T: Is that when they made this soup?
“I believe in him!!!”
“I’m getting you high because you don’t have to take a drug test to be a substitute teacher!”
J: I’m about to be a doctor and I’m going to prescribe sex for everything
T: What you got cancer? Go have sex! What you got AIDS? Go have sex! No ummmm wait a minute.
J: FOOL I mean like a therapist
T: LMAO yeah that makes a little more sense; You feel like killin somebody? Go kill that pussy!
D: Can she go by herself?
J: No, this is my bad side!
“I can take my kids to L’s house she’ll make them go to church but she’ll teach them bad habits too…I feel like at your house they’ll get the same upbringing they’d be getting at home. They can’t go to J’s house because they’d be talkin bad to her and she would let them do what they wanted to. Oh they can’t go to N’s house either *puts head down* She might try to teach them something, and if my child comes home talkin ’bout ‘Out South’…..”
“We’ve been sitting here for two hours trying to figure out what we won’t do and we only have four things…does that make us whores?”
*speaking of gifts*
T: You’re in a position of control there, I mean just aim the other way [if you don’t want it in your hair or on your face]
J: You’re assuming everyone uses a hand…
T: Hhmm thats true I guess there are those supernecks who don’t need a hand, they just use two fingers and smoke it like a cigerette.
“It was a WHOLE family in that car!!!”
“I’m almost positive…I’m 153% sure I get these percentages from Maury”
“It has the nerve to have a split.”
“I don’t want that.”
“If you’re gonna pick me up you might as well take off my pants.”
“I love him like rotel…dick and shoes!”
T: How does Mr. Crab serve crabby patties…like what do you call that?
J: Cannibalism…
T: Yeah how does that work.
N: They’re not crab its a hamburger.
T: They don’t have ham down there!
“They went to state one year…but they lost.”
“I’m lil Q, I’m the 12 on this line I’m 5 months pregnant, you ain’t ever lied!”
J: Its a white SUV…Can I name my car Becky?
J2: Yeah
A: I was gone say all these rude things about J’s car like how all these black people be up in it.
“It smelled like McDonalds cuz it smelled like McDonalds”
E: Yeah she took his virginity
J: Ewwwww I did not need that visual! Well I guess she was on top
J2: *puzzled look*
J: Oh he’s in a wheelchair
“Even Emily Rose had a boyfriend! EMILY ROSE and that bitch was possessed by the devil, and not the play play devil the REAL DEVIL!”
“I’m never too high to wrap my hair”
“Condoms are a small price to pay for your freedom”
*playing taboo”
R: Lil Wayne lyric
J: Fuck bitches get money? That’s on a taboo card?!?!
“Maybe I should be a do crack, you get to be skinny and live forever!!”
R: What them gay dudes have? King George?
J: Uh Prince Alberts?
“Ya’ll can hug, ya’ll friends”
R: J, What part of Atlanta are you from? Dunwoody?
J: Huh?
R? Zone 6?
J: Ok, what rap song have you been listening too!?!?
R: Gucci Mane
J: Hey, where’d you stay for the SEC championship?
R: Chamblee….
J: which is right by Dunwoody
J: “K, smile”
K:*stands there with a blank look*
C: I can make him smile…no homo
*After a car accident*
J: Wait a minute…this guy back here, is he fine?
T: Oohhh HE IS!
*After expressing distaste for colored Christmas lights*
“What are you? A Christmas RACIST?!?”
“I’ll be the pea to your carrot”
*After watching the Beyonce Experience*
“I think I’m going to change my status it, B is in love with Beyonce…..no homo”
A: JM is going to be in all the weddings!
J: Why? Because she has no talent?
A: Lol YUP!
*via text*
J2: I can stand up for long periods of time, and look pretty. Thats a talent!
J: Is it?
J2: Being pretty is!
J: Its not one that will be of use at a wedding!
*Placing 5 airplane bottles in her purse*
“I need my vodka tomorrow…you know to deal with my family during Christmas”
“I want to have classy kids, who have class”
“Isn’t it ironic? We ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, love those who hurt us, and hurt those who love us…”
“I gotta get though this…for us”
“Can I use your lipgloss? I promise I didn’t suck dick today!”
T: I can’t help it I love this song and I know people are probably thinking ‘omg what is that gay white boy dancing to that Apple Bottom jeans song’?!?”
B: Thats exactly what they’re thinking…
J: Yeah I told him that was on my list of 4 things I don’t do which thinking back, really should be longer
J2: Yeah it really should
J+J: *Laughter*
D: *Starts laughing*
J: You listenin to our conversation!?!
D: No, I’m just laughing to fit in.
“So I was watching the Beyonce Experience…on mute, cuz that felt right…”
?: So, wanna come over?
??: No, I don’t feel like driving.
?: Oh….wanna have phone sex?
??: I just did my nails
?: Oh…Speakerphone?
??: Um holding the phone isn’t the problem
?: Oh..OH!
“And some of my dumb ass friends won’t just wear a condom but instead favor the uh ‘pull out method’. But who would sascrifice those last 3 or 4 strokes? So now her navel’s all wet and messy and I had a mediocre orgasm all because I didn’t want to wear a condom. Its like Big Boi said you miscalculated the next to the-the last pump. Dump-dump on the gut, raw from the giddy up. Better choose that right one or pick-pick the kiddies up.”
J: Yeah so I found out my ex had a 3-some…in his car
T: In his car oh wow
J: Yeah an Acura, I asked him what kind of classless disgusting whore of a girl would be down to have sex with him AND another girl in the backseat of a car. And he has leather seats
T: But leather’s better for clean up…although it does make your ass sweat
J: I know its disgusting…But he said he couldn’t believe they were down so he couldn’t pass that up
T: Hmm well he does have a point there. But how does that work spacially 3 grown people can’t have sex in a car that small, somebody had to be waiting their turn in the front seat!
J: I dunno apparently he dates classless disgusting bendy whores.
T: Or midgets? Midgets have big asses
“Seriously, only joking, no but really, j/k”
“The man draught is serious. I went out last night to 6 different spots and everyone was ugly.”
*Up and coming artist that shall remain nameless*: I mean I’m tryin to be your ringtone girl!
C: *Uproarious laughter* Oh wait…you’re serious *stops laughing abruptly*
“Victoria’s Secret puts crack in their lipgloss.”
*fixing cereal*
“Ohh am I gone use a bowl for my cereal? Naw I’ma use THIS”
“So you were gonna kill yourself yesterday and you didn’t even call me?”
“For real girl? How do you and your 1,475 line sisters feel about that?”
J: Well he’s super smart, like why the fuck do you know that smart.
T: I used to be smart like that, then I went to college…
J: I think I killed my brain cells drinking, that didn’t happen to him though. But I bet I could beat him at flip cup!
J: *to A* so we’re talking about how smart K is and all I could say is, I bet I could beat him at flip cup, is that sad?
A: Lol, yes.
J: Flip cup beats out smart stuff any day, we’re still college aged 🙂
A: True, because if you tell us your GPA we’d be more upset about losing flip cup than to you doing better on a test.
J: Can I quote you on that?
“Politically incorrect statement of the day, I love black people because they compliment me on my shoes!”
*The wrath of T9 strikes*
“I pound like a groupie whore”
“A lot of stuff is more rare than diamonds..hell LOVE is more rare than diamonds!”
“Oh yeah if his grades slip you’re gonna be that whore that ruin her son’s life, you’d have to move out. You’d be pissing off a LOT of people.”
K: So what about you, what do you need?
J: Nothing I’m Jesus!
“If you put a virus on my computer I’m gonna come to Memphis and cuss you out softly.”
“I’m not that kind of girl”
“That’s why your momma’s bone popped outta place, dealing with Rico”
“I should’ve been born Latina”
“This bitch smokes EVERY DAMN DAY and she can’t afford to just be killin brain cells all willy nilly”
L: I don’t know why my mama was so insistant on gettin all this honey
J: I mean it IS yo daddy’s birthday
“I’d rather have a small vagina than small breasts!”
*Speaking of Queen Latifah*
“How she gone be taking a step with Jenny [Craig] and she the damn voice of Pizza Hut?”
“Chris Brown made that video [for With You] just KNOWIN he was about to be in a Coke commercial…just slidin around with a polar bear singing to a penguin, ‘Drink coke drink coke drink coke drink coke drink coke Oooh Ohh’ he not SLICK!”
E: So whats new with you any one special?
J: Actually yes, my new crush is Mario, you know he’s cryin out for me…
E: Oh for real? I thought you liked light skinned guys
J: Since WHEN!?!
E: You know…you supposed to be a C.Breezy fan
J: I don’t want him! He so young actin
E: Ok Sharraine…
S: I’m just tryin to find a man who’ll buy me a dance at the shake shack, give me a stack to throw or somethin…
J: i’ll be anna mae and eat the cake if he can be that bitch unforgivable was talkin about and make my sandwich
S: You always talkin about this sandwich, yo boo don’t make you sandwiches
J: Nope precisely why that nigga got dismissed we just sittin there talkin about whats on the sandwich, what kinda kool-aid we want and stuff but NOBODY is moving
S: See what I’m talkin about, he probably wouldn’t tip my bitch right. Ugh I need a good tipper.
N: A is not calling my child by his proper name…
J: ?
N: His name is Kendrick Elijah…she doesn’t like Kendrick so she said she will call him Elijah or K.Elijah….i told her that Elijah is not his first name
J: K’elijah, yeh son!
N: NO
J: Kendrick? where did that come from, what does it mean?
N: I like k names….and idk wat it means…i haven’t looked it up yet. let me do that now… royal ruler, greatest champion….i like that!
J: oh lord
N: Don’t oh lord me…and then of course Elijah is biblical…look at me comin up with great names off my head…
J: Slay thy self
A: K’Elijah? for real J?
J: Look I’ma call everybody’s son lil nigga…just get used to it
N: Lil nigga jess? my children won’t be visiting you…you may not be ready for what comes out they mouth in response to you callin them lil niggas
J: Fuck yo kids! 8 hrs ago u didn’t even WANT kids now i’m supposed to respect them?
N: Lol…how you gon be ignorant towards me and A kids and you trying to name yours emory, christian, and stuff like that?? Ii still don’t want kids…but i have to prepare myself for the unexpected
J: mmhmm I’m not ignorant towards just yall kids. Its everybody’s kids
N: If the world goes my way, i won’t have any kids…my friends that want them will…and i will spoil their kids and send them back when i’m done
J: And christian and emory will have jobs and letters after their name. Yup yup
N: Everybody’s? uh huh. oh and maybes won’t?
J: Didn’t say that, just said mine definitely will. They have these distinguished names they better be some damn body
N: So you’re IMPLYING that ours won’t
J: Nope, not at alll
N: Did u not just see what i said kendrick meant?!!?
J: Nigga is he gone wear it on a tshirt? don’t nobody care about that shit
N: Ok…so i just fell back into the wall from laughing at you!!!!
A: Where do my little cousin’s find these hos they fool with
J: At the ho sto
A: Well they need to stay at home cuz hos bring problems
J: Haha hoes bring woes
N: Well since you praying we need to pray that i pass these two tests tomorrow…A’s would be most wonderful…
J: Send this text to JC
N: Really?
J: Yup, He’s IN too girl
N: Really? well dang i can stop waiting until 9 to call him! *roll eyes, lol
J: I feel like u can use your daytime mins on Jesus N
N: I can….if i really had to call him on my cell my bill would be ridiculous….or i would just have to use the house phone…
J: Yeah u might could use the house phone… but long distance is free on the cell
N: Daddy can pay that long-distance…house phone is in HIS name….cell phone is in MINE
J: But its free? Why are we REALLY have this discussion *roll eyes
N: Minutes aren’t… shoot…idk…u started it
N: You are pitiful moving in with this rich boy and you poor!
J: He’s not rich!!
N: He is to you, cuz you poor!
*Discussing Limpdickedness*
Fictional Girl: I mean is it me? Am I ugly?
Fictional Answer: I mean I think you’re pretty…but maybe I guess my dick thinks your vagina is ugly? *pitch escalating questioning tone highly emphasized*
“I mean without me he would suck”
“I smell like brown sugar and fig. Its lovely. Someone should come devour me!”
*Watching Talk Sex with Sue Johanson*
?: So Dr. Sue says there are 5 things a man says after sex. Why was my 1st thought: Bitch, fix me a sandwich?
??: Now you know if that ever really happened you’d cuss him out. Nigga you fix ME a sandwich!
?: Depends on the sex, I might say you want mayo baby?
??: Shit son! thats that multiple orgasm type shit!
?: What.You.Said…wait! not everyone falls asleep after sex?
???: Nope cuz you have to go to class…or work…but sleep or a sandwich will keep a man happy.
??: Um…no they don’t. If that shit ain’t the bomb there is no reason to, but if its right you will!
????: Lol no, you do?
?: Hell yes! I need like ten minutes but it feels like hours
??: Sometimes you can get a quick one and recover in a couple minutes. Thats how folks can do mornings and lunchtime drivebys. But if it takes longer to get it, or if you get multiple then yeah you need a nap.
????: I don’t like touching or talking or any of that stuff. I just wanna watch TV and get some juice.
N: So I was laughing because I was surround by black people in this little one room building that used to be a school house, shack but now is the Cane Ridge community center…and its funny its this little….white school building like..
J: School house Outhouse! You voted in Nutbush!?! Awww NutBUSH!
“Her punk ass friends from at home, I’d punch those bitches in the face.”
J: I have to learn a whole new downtown
N: Oh its easy, its only one way and two way streets
“Everybody and they mama’s niggas be at O’Charley’s”
*Passing a liquor store*
“Ohh I can’t stop at this one, I’m feeling saditty and they have Mexicans…”
J: I need to find me a boo
A: You still got your business cards?
J: Yeah
A: Well you need to bend over and pass them out!
“Ya’ll remember Mambo, the fruity chewing gum?”
“That look like C that just passed…not the girl in the car, just the car”
“They was just standing there, lookin at me but nobody was takin my order…all them McPeople in the McKitchen”
T: Yeah I said it, she ugly and her calves are bigger than mine!
J: Um yeah cuz she works out…you don’t.
Random guy in the mall: WHERE’S MEMPHIS!?
K: In Memphis!
“Cane Ridge-Antioch Nashville, Tennessee!”
“Some lil boy gone turn you out and you go gone be in flip flops kissin in the road”
T: Whats on yo neck?!?
A: Better go get a cold spoon!
“If ‘Please Don’t Stop the Music’ comes on I’ll dance like a gay white boy WITH you!”
J: What is this? Oh its Britney
A: Bitch!
“I found my Brad! My Chad!”
*Speaking of restricting time constraints*
“I’m tryin to make money not love!”
“You can’t share God wit a GIRL!”
“Her face look like a melted candle”
“Man he crazy, he NEEDS a role model!”
J: I’m sittin next to this dude who just doubted the lyrical GENIUS of Lil Wayne
A: Even Cornel West knows Lil Wayne is a lyrical genius, tell him to do better.
A2: Who’s Cornell West?
J: WTF?!?
“I gotta pray super hard about this tonight…I’ma be on my knees for hours, I might just fall asleep down there”
*Speaking of the Kappa Shimmey*
“They aren’t ready, They are NOT ready. One day in the future there will come a time when they are ready, but today is not that day.”
T: “It’s Hailing in Memphis”
J: “Wtf is Jesus coming?”
T: “Iono but Atlanta got smacked, now Memphis is getting pinched”
J: “Well let me pray while they play Shawty lo”
(Pause)
J: “Jesus said Big Ups to All My Haters”
*speaking of Mardi Gras beads*
“Well we all know I don’t need them in MY car, I already have 16-85-100!”
“Dentist aren’t real doctors, they’re dentists…its like you deal with teeth and nobody can DIE at the dentist!”
“If my dick got cut off tomorrow, can we still have a conversation and be friends?”
“E got mad cause I’ve been calling her Einstein, and she asked why and I said cause her head was the greatest”
“Who fails anymore? I can’t wait for my kid to bring home a D. I’ma say, well did you try? You didn’t fail nigga YAY!”
J: So I was lookin at K’s myspace and she sent me a message so I replied back and told her congrats on her marriage…this bitch wrote back tellin me I was late cuz she already separated!
M: Wow, it hasn’t even been a year, she must feel like a failure.
R: You know…if you take one you take both!
A: WHO SAID I wanted A?!? And WHO SAID I wanted YO ugly ass?
“Ol Oregon trail ‘you have died of dysentary’ face ass”
N: Ohh this is strong I’ma have to spray this outside on the deck
K: Naw you definitely can’t do that in your room
N: Hell naw, I’ll be done woke up dead!
“Is this the press and curl chapter?”
*Sitting at a probate*
“I feel like we at a family reunion that we really wasn’t invited to, but they don’t mind us bein here”
MK: We can’t take that extra step cuz like once I get it my head gets all cloudy and I put my emotions in it and I just get crazy!
A+S+T+J: *puzzled faces*
J: Um I don’t know what kinda girls YOU messin wit?!?
T: Down here we call that, that Oooh WEE!
J: See thats why I don’t have sex, and I’m waiting til marriage
T: Whose marriage?
J: What you mean whose?!? MINE
T: Looseness, I know you lyin, maybe you waited til yo kindergarten nigga put a daisy on your finger…
J: OMG are you sayin I’m a hoe?
T: Afflak!
“See turning 24 is so much different than turning 23 because like at 23 people ask you how old you are you say ‘oh I’m 23’ and thats that, at 24 people ask you how old you are, you say ‘oh I’m 24’ they say well why aren’t you married and where are your kids?”
*Watching Prom Night*
Donna: Billy! Wake up Billy!
Random in the theater: Girl, Billy is DEAD!
“If there’s an emergency you send me a text message, it can be blank. I’ll get it and be like OH SHIT this fool in trouble he sent me a blank text message!!!”
“Who is this UNDERCOVER USHER?!?”
“I was ‘Most Talented’ two years in a row!
“…my 1st freshman year…”
“I’m a Social Alum”
“I tried to make it say Tennessee State ’09 HOPEFULLY! but facebook wouldn’t let me!”
S: Is this chicken or fish?
J: Its chicken fish
J2: *gives J a look*
J: You know, when you cook fish one day and you have left over grease so the next day you cook some chicken in it?
V: Oh! Thats chicken fish!
“Somebody needs to eat the last two rolls, there are people…in Antioch who can’t afford sushi!”
” Black people’s faces don’t itch…melanin is like baby powder”
“Campus is flooded with uglies, nobodies, and undesirables ”
“You don’t ‘all of a sudden’ decide to break up with somebody…I’d be like well you ‘all of a sudden’ don’t wanna be with me so I ‘all of a sudden’ am about to whoop yo ass”
“You got me talkin about big penis and you in church! I literally just rolled over closed my eyes and ‘Jesus wept'”
“Hoes like flowers too”
“It couldn’t be more gay if it was born in San Francisco and raised in Atlanta”
J: Put him in yo 5
A: Mm-mmm, naw
“I saw this blazer and I was like, man this is ugly, I’ma buy it!”
“Make yo booty taaaaalk, mama make yo booty taaaaaalk Dru-ski Dru-ski Dru-ski”
“I was a cheerleader for YEARS so I’ve had plenty of time to stretch”
“Oh yeah thats me on accident…”
J: Ohh she got African toes, they all black
A: She does, and her ankles they all rusty I mean I know she got eczema but damn
J: I hate you so much right now *lol* I gotta put this on QB
A: Somebody is gone read it and know EXACTLY who we talkin about…
“This is exactly why N can’t drive the motorcycle!!!”
“I lost my virginity to this song!”
“Binge drinking…thats so undergrad”
“She dancin with that Memphis face”
D: I call Rosa Parks
J: WTH is that?
D: It means I’m not sittin the back!
J: Like shotgun?
D: But more socially concious…
T: East Nashville Hoe! Joe Johnson Hoe!
K: Get KILLED Hoe!
“Can I do Stinkmeiner at your wedding? ‘Congratulations NIGGA! T is lil Oprah hoe!”
*Waking up from a car nap*
“Is Ja Rule dead?”
*As a DJ mixes*
“Is it SKIPPIN?!?”
“Tenure is like kryptonite, you can’t touch a teacher with tenure! They even walk different and you gotta be damn near fuckin the students to get fired”
*After Ray Allen shoots a big 3*
“MMMMM I gave it to him GOOD last night!”
R: You come from a family of excellence; Emory, Spelman, and Morehouse graduates, Ladies of AKA and Alpha but more importantly Omega men, You must forever hold our light high and be the master of your own fate.
J: Um am I online to be your cousin?!?
“I smiled and prayed, thats all I can do”
“My first dance at my wedding is going to be ‘Take you Down’ all in front of my grandma and everything”
J: You can’t steal my play toy!
J2: He’s not your play toy, if he was you would’ve played with him already!
J: *ultimate sad face*
“Friends don’t let friends date below the poverty line”
“Can’t say ‘no homo’ to that…cuz that was SO homo”
J: Mr. Accessories is coming to town this weekend
E: When he leaves make sure he takes all his belongs…his hat, wave cap, necklace, choker, earrings, broach, bracelets, jacket, and umbrella…
E: Don’t hate on mixed people, Barak Obama is mixed
E2: Yeah but he got that strong nigga gene, I read his book he sound like some people I grew up with
“When I get to college I want to be a Delta, I don’t know what ‘owt’ is but it looks FUN”
K: I mean I would hang out with Gev I wouldn’t want to hang out with Mark
J: Its not called ‘So you think you can kick it!’
J: B said her dad claims Shane is gay because he said the word ‘fabulous’ but men can say fabulous!
K: Yeah, if you’re gay.
“He was trying to color on both our sheets and we in the same coloring book”
?: You know ___
??: Naw, Who is that?
?: You know! That dark skin, ugly [girl]
???: I’m mad thats what she’s known as.
????: Naw actually ___ is that dark skin ugly [girl]
?: Ohh you right!
???: Yall are crazy, she’s pretty!
?: Yeah pretty ugly!
T: Ppl like talk about this movie like they talk about Jesus
J: Yeah but it seems like some ppl don’t like Jesus but everybody likes The Dark Knight…
T: Jesus should’ve had a cape…
J: How many founders did yall have?
A: 5
J: Oh thats it?
A: Yes it didn’t take us 22 people to found a mistake!
*After watching ‘Scarlet takes a tumble’*
“So I guess its not over until the fat lady sings AND falls off the table”
“Pretty days are hardly ever worth the reason you were pretty in the first place.”
“what kind of wide set vagina do you have!?”
“I mean ain’t nothing wrong wit it but I mean…Got Damn why she do that!?!”
“Ohh shit why you zoom in?!”
A: Just cuz you went don’t mean you goin
J: them that went still goin
A: and went thrice more 🙂
J: and on days that end with Y they’ve went and gone for four
“If I loved it then I woulda put a ring on it, I only liked it so now u can write a song about it.”
“You said he made you wanna be smarter! Be smart! Write a song!”
“…in order to be taken seriously as a Thespian he needs to diversify himself”
“Can you send me the recipe for this diet?”
“I mean if your legs gonna be up in the air you might as well have Gucci shoes on”
“We stranded on a desert island, and he out here buyin coconuts!!! Where is my HUT you were supposed to be building?!?!?”
“No girl is gone get naked for a nigga wit tight ass shoe-strings”
“GDI?? What’s that? Gangsta Deamons, Incorporated?”
?:…yeah except Deltas do it backwards and have kids first…they been ass-backwards since 1913
??: Mm-hmm and poon forward
Random guy in car @ a red-light: Yall just leave the club?
J: Uh something like that
RG: Oh…yall wanna smoke?
J: Nah we don’t do that.
RG: Oh…yall wanna suck a lil d***?
J: *jaw hits floor* Um no thank you? I have a future
“Excuse me brotha?” (to a female)
“I’ve actually pumped faster to get it over with. “Why so quick?” Ah touche!!! “Why so wack?”
“I can’t hold cheap liquor IMA DIVA!!”
“You gotta stop throwin out good bitches. Recycle em. Recyc-Ho. You gotta Recyc-Ho. Otherwise, you throwin out a Rolls Royce just because it gotta dent!”
“If you going…just GO”
“‘When someone shows u who they are…believe them’ you a hoe….I believe you. I knew before u realized it”
J: I do assume that men my age just have condoms on them… its too hot to keep them in the car thats a fail fellas ish will look like chewed gum
N: lol waaaat? Chewed gum my nig?!
J: Yeah! like that condom on house party LOL it just snapped then turned to dust…..
N: Yeah that shit was expired like 3 yesterdays ago
“In my country…Haiti”
“We not leaving the country to do no mission work, if we leave the country we goin on VACATION”
“My head Dr. is outta town, but I’m on my period anyway…”
“You might as well get a trade”
“Yeah um meet us at 10 o’clock 15, 30”
“Can you believe that big bitch bought my car!?”
Random Guy: Gat DAMN she bow-legged
D: Um sir excuse me what do you see because I wanna see it too!
“See that turn was real steep, and you parked flickted anyway…”
“I just tweeted about that!”
“White girls can’t WAIT to go to the club and take their shoes off…”
“If I don’t have a Penile Induced Orgasm by the end of the year Imma be PISSED. I want the kinda Jank that’ll make me shed some tears Damnit!”
“I already got a song in place its called ‘I see a bitch ass nigga standing close to me’ and I already wrote a slowed down remix, and the radio edit, ‘I see a trick, trick, trick, standing close to me’ all I need is a deal”
“That’s cause you have a throat like a sliding board…”
“Do Men have a “ima do sum dumb shit and also lie all the time” gene! Today is Fuck You Fridays. Btw, Thank You God 4 another day.”
“I’ma goin off all morning if I see dumb shit. I’m goin off 4 Obama bc that nigga gotta keep it profesional and I KNOW that nigga wants to go off”
“Whorishness is kinda like Diabetes, it can run in your family & u can be predisposed but you can take preventive measures to avoid it.”
“I come from a LONG line of alcoholics, in a country of alcoholics & hung out with the white kids in college”
R: This song is on and I’m STILL tryna figure out how to filet mignon that pussy
S: I don’t think that’s for you to figure out ma!
R:I wanna know cuz maybe I need to teach my husband how to do it lol
“Whenever I found out that she liked him all I could think about was Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean…”
Random Guy: Aye you got a boyfriend?
J: Yeah
RG: Man fuck that nigga!
“So, if a lady wants to give you some dome & she warms up a rag to wipe it down, u should be glad she cares enough!”
“Well he did it so he’s gay”
“punch me in my eye…do me how you want me baby…just don’t say goodbye- dont fucking punch me in the eye lol that would Not be sexy…I see you and friends chattin ” Yeah girl I punched the nigga in the eye..you know he nasty”
T: Hasn’t moved not 1 tinch
J: Tinch, T?
T: Its the tiniest of an inch lol
“Wait who said that? Jesus or Jeezy”
“I think I just got hot…I wanna take my pants off”
L: Ya mansenem D said “would I look foolish eatin jerk chicken while jerkin down this street?” I told him that’s all kinda of coonery
J: it is.
L: He said its blk history month so its ok
J: it IS!!!
L: I want a bigger dick for blk history month
J: You’re a coon 4 that. Slick jungle bunny behavior. Lmao…I hatechu I literally have hung my head
L: Lol he can jerk but I can longdick ya like unh unh unh?
“One dude was like I missed jordans flu game for some And everytime I see highlights I wanna travel back and kick her ass out my car ;She stole a moment from me”
J: This guy is annoying, every time he comes in, he starts off “I’m legally blind” um, i know you tell me EVERY TIME you come here
J2: lmao at u bein mad at the blind kid, J he’s blind…he doesnn’t know its u
J: nah, he can see he is just “legally’ blind…he can write on the lines!
L: I wanna know why you had basketball shorts and not me
J: Why? Cuz you were the one actually fuckin athletes?
A: I’ma hang up on yall.
Sincerely, Jess 
This blog rocks! I gotta say, that I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say I’m glad I found your blog. Thanks,
A definite great read.. 🙂
-Bill-Bartmann
This site rocks!
Awesome blog!
I thought about starting my own blog too but I’m just too lazy so, I guess I‘ll just have to keep checking yours out.
LOL,
Wonderful!
Your blog is worth reading…