I have been on an absolute journey the past two weeks during my Adult Development class. Much of which cannot be appropriately described by any language I know. Last night was our last class and we presented each other with gifts; I had been searching my mind for what felt right to give for three days. In talking it over with Mo she suggested I sing a song (more on that later). I searched my blog frantically for words or a photo or a quote or something…I write things down so that I have them readily available yet when I was looking for them I could find them not. I take it to mean that the things I was looking for were not meant to be found in that moment, especially since I found them readily this morning.
When Dr. Green said, “…and tell this person why this gift is for them…” I broke down in tears. I wish I could explain the origin of the emotion, they came from my core…my soul. I was paralyzed with emotion and ended up being the last person to go and when I tried to find my voice, it failed me. Telling.
Backing up…this year for Lent I was in Terri’s class and I carried around a microphone everyday to remind me to use my voice, and to speak my truth. It felt like that again. Only back in March I was searching for my voice and now I had it and was too overwhelmed to use it. I was completely IN that moment. My body felt unsure, as though I were a fawn standing for the first time. My head was swimming, searching for the language, and perhaps LOL I could say my false self swooped in to offer the gift, but mid-sentence my truth stepped up and I was crying again…I was like Alice floating in a sea of my own tears. I felt like my own levy had broken.
I looked down at my Klenex which contained my $30 mascara, my $40 foundation, my $20 eye shadow…my face was literally wiped clean by my tears and I was there, in this classroom, in my group, bare. None of it even mattered, I was happy to be able to give to them and share with them something that I never share with anyone.
I remember thinking of the person, Jax, I wanted to give a gift to…because he has given ME so much throughout this class. The more I tried to prepare my words, the harder I cried–this feeling was seeping out of my center into my extremities leaving them heavy as lead. My heart was heavy and yet it felt brand new, as if finally I could feel it again. I wanted to be on my knees in child’s pose. I wanted to surrender to that moment but I could not move. I was so incredibly emotional and I only remember one thought, “I don’t want to be touched.”
As I described parts of this to J this morning I said to her, “there are some people who you don’t want to touch because if you touch them they’ll change you…” I knew at some point there would come a time for embracing my classmates and I was dreading that time. I was particularly dreading hugging the Col. and Jax as both of them have come to mean so much to me. I felt myself holding my breath when that time came with the Col. Counting down from ten…then came Jax and I had pull away. I really didn’t realize how much I hate being held (figuratively) until I was faced with it literally. I recalled my meeting with The Healer. I wanted so badly to embrace her but I felt if I did I would explode. Sometimes when you feel people too much, you can’t imagine being any closer to them because you might lose yourself. You might come far too close to what true pure love is like. Not romantic love… but the stuff we’re all made up of. You risk the chance of being TOO connected to Source energy. So my body did what my heart could not, and even then I had to step back and throw the veil back on. I had had enough connection for the evening.
God it was beautiful in that moment.
When I woke up this morning I wanted to write about it but I had no words. I found myself saying something then having to clarify or qualify it. I kept coming back to love, but trying to explain myself to make it clear. I had to keep retracting and editing and side-stepping when I really just wanted to flow. I came back to my blog and I searched for this picture…
“Expansion” by Paige Bradley
Though this was not my pose, this is how I feel. That bright spot in the center is where last night I existed. Those cracks are all that I felt bursting out of me. This broken beauty is where I sit somewhere in the space between my soul and my body. I have been humming ever since last night. Literally, vibrating and on the verge of tears at any given moment.
As I sat moments before I offered my own gift I contemplated Mo’s suggestion to sing. I ran through the words to the song in my mind and I grappled with many of them. I mixed up stanzas, I forgot the bridge…but the thing was it did not scare me and it did not feel an outlandish thing. Maybe I am getting closer to singing in public.
One thing that Jax said was that he was grateful for a professor who pushed him and a class who held him. I share in that sentiment. As uncomfortable and new as it felt to be the one in need of comfort rather than the comforter, I am so BEYOND grateful for the experience we all shared.
Crystal said yesterday, “I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until [the card] told me to breathe.” Similarly, I didn’t realize how closed I was until I was cracked open. The good thing is its beyond repair. The scary thing is, its beyond repair.
I am sitting in the midst of my own autumn; fresh in the world of unknown. Not only that, I am bare, no pretense, and am seeping emotion out of every seam. I asked to be loved, to be changed in my last petition…I did not specify how. Point taken, universe. I asked for companionship and the cards told me I was not yet ready for it. My own inability to even accept physical touch reaffirms that. There is work to be done, I am definitely in progress. But I still stand in awe of how far I have come.