Loveeeeee

Tags

beauty, curves, Love, marriage, relationships

I was driving home the other night when a song that reminded me of E came on. As I sang along two conversations occurred in my head. One in which I thought of him and us and our laughter, and another where I laid to rest those sounds and continued on up the 805.

I had a dream the night before of my wedding, my beautifully romantic Christmas wedding. My maids in white again the smell of trees and sweet berries. I remembered more this time. I remembered Kim, Ken, Jennie, Jewels, Tre, and Trin with me. Praying with me and standing with me. Laughing and toasting to love and laughter. I never walked down the aisle, but they were with me.

If I think about what it was like to love before I remember, more than anything the effort. The trials and the battles, the compromise. It wasn’t right. And more than I knew anything about my partners, I knew how I was going about the business of love was wrong. I imagine it needs to be as all meant things are, effortless. Divinely crafted and seemingly coincidental, only…not. I took this photo of myself before I went out last night.

I looked at my body. My belly cleverly hidden in my billowy, and feminine XL top. My thighs squeezed into shape in my size 20 jeans. I studied my curves and my twa hidden under a flowy lace front. I applied a thin layer of MAC “Media” and I love myself despite it all; and perhaps because of it all. I’ve never looked in the mirror and felt even remotely effortlessly in love with my reflection. The truth was not hidden from me, I knew what was there. And I was not hiding, obviously as I’m baring it all now. I was proud to take me out. Now if I’m lucky enough to find another who makes me feel the way I felt about my reflection last night…

And when I think back, I can reconcile a question I’ve pondered; yes I loved him. I loved him with every broken piece of me, however now that I am whole I want a whole love. There is nothing wrong with admitting that to yourself or to the world. I am not counting down the days or waiting with baited breath, I am living my life, fully. And when the time is right, it will be. Settling for self isn’t exactly settling. I feel incredibly blessed to be in a place where I can recognize and truly believe that.

Salvation from wandering and wondering

Tags

heroes, Love, partner, relationships, td jakes

You know those relationship non-negotiables? For so many people I know one of those is rooted in religion; they would not marry someone who was not a believer in God.  I never really commented even though I suppose I never really saw myself with someone who held drastically different spiritual views than myself.  It was not until today when talking with NCS that I said with absolute conviction that my future husband has to be rooted in faith.

We were discussing a dysfunctional couple and why they are together when their actions (cheating, lying, etc) suggest that they really are not committed and I told her, “they fill a void in one another and that need gives each a sense of reason and purpose.”  It was then that it hit me just how dangerous it can be to not have these things independent of another person.  I remembered the words of Bishop TD Jakes,

There is nothing sexier than someone who knows WHO they are, WHERE they’re going, and WHAT they were created to do. People who are on point are attractive!

You have to know your purpose, you have to know why you are here.  I do not know anyone who can answer that question with without hinting to a higher power.  When you know yourself, you know God.

There are times in life when things make absolute sense. Having that last thought was one of them.  When NCS told me that not every relationship was like that, of course I knew that…but I told her that I just want honesty in my next/last relationship.  I want it to be honest like the absence of lies, honest. I do not want to lie to myself, I do not want to lie to my partner, I do not want there to be lies in our expectations of one another.  I want it to be honest because as I have recently realized and verbalized, honest living is the best living.

I think about the notion that all women just want to be saved…and I find some piece of truth in it but I challenge that instead of a white knight, it means so much more to be the one who saves yourself.  It feels remarkable to be able to look myself in the mirror and know that I deserve love. Not shards of love, not pieces of it, not loves 1st cousin lust or her brother infactuation…I deserve love. The purest of pure, richest of rich and rarest of rare–unconditional, concentrated, god-like love.

There is great freedom in that knowledge.

Because I can say I know these things, and because I have given them to myself first; I will be able to recognize them when they come from him because they came from Him.

Submit

Tags

Love, relationships, submission, women

Stiff and unbending is the principle of death.
Gentle and yielding is the principle of life.

Thus an Army without flexibility never wins a battle.
A tree that is unbending is easily broken.

The hard and strong will fall.
The soft and weak will overcome.

– Tao Te Ching (76)

So I’ve been marinating on this theory for a while now…the unwillingness of women to submit to their men.  Yesterday BFFT asked why did submission have such a negative connotation, I guessed its due to our culture.  In America the person who works hard and who is unrelenting will receive their just dues. We cannot yield, we cannot compromise, we must overcome and conquer.  That is two-fold for women.  We have been made to surrender our feminine qualities in order to excel in the workforce.  Not be soft, not be emotional, not be nurturing, not be who biologically are.  If we speak in terms of social evolution, the traits of masculinity have been selected for in American culture so those wanting to survive are having to adopt them.

However…we have to look at the flip side, while women are dominating higher education and breaking barriers in terms of professional achievement, the American family is suffering, and has been for the last fifty years.  I don’t think its coincidental.  If a man wants a woman, and a woman has been forced into masculinity, why does he need her?  Why does she need him? In short, we are not submitting because we just don’t know how anymore…how to turn it off and how to still remain a sense of strength in that submission.  Re-read the above quote.

Its is from Taoism, obviously a facet of Eastern culture and not our own.  Yet poignant, soft overcomes hard.  Strength in yielding.  There is nothing wrong with allowing a man to be a man.  To be the head of the household.  To have the final say.  If you don’t trust him to do that much then why are you with him?  Submission is not weakness, it is-if anything- conviction.  It is saying that I trust, not only in your man, but in his respect for you, in your relationship bond, in God.  It takes a stronger back to bend and bow then stand again.

Balance. Right now the family is on the far end of the pendulum arc and the feminist movement and working women pushed it there, things will slowly move back towards the center.  I’m sure some women will fight me tooth and nail on this topic, and maybe you think I’m calling for total submission, no not at all.  I’m calling for a return (if there ever was) of trust, of true love, of honesty, of Men who are male and Women who are female.  An alpha male just is not going to be in a household with an alpha female, its a constant power struggle and as we discussed a while back, men need to be needed. If you constantly tell a man I don’t need you I can do “bad by myself” he’ll give you the opportunity.

P.S. for the believers…See: Sarah

Tales, Lies, and other such fibbery

Tags

lies, relationships, the notebook, truth

I learned a long time ago the difference between someone lying to me and someone lying in general. I was discussing the movie The Notebook with my friend LK today…and she was saying that Allie was a liar because she was lying to Lon the whole time they were together knowing that she loved Noah.  I told her that I don’t think Allie was a liar, per say, I think Allie was lying to herself-not just to Lon. She was discrediting her feelings for Noah trying to trivialize them and make them seem like they weren’t as real as they were. Not to mention you know, inside, when someone doesn’t love you the way that you love them.  You can feel when your partner is unfulfilled or searching for something that you can’t seem to offer them.  You feel that. Lon ignored the signs just like Allie did. And some will argue that Lon didn’t know. When he asked “is everything ok” before she left, when he blew up her phone and then left to go find her…he knew. We always know.

Don’t text me no mo’

Tags

bbm, blackberry, men, relationships, technology, texting, women

This little thing is a THORN in every single girls’ side.  For some reason…men have taken to wanting to text/bbm (thats Black.Berry Message) rather than pick up the phone and CALL.  I’m trying to figure out why this is.  Now granted, I’m not single…but I still have single girlfriends who complain about this issue.  One friend LT refuses to continue conversing with a guy if he texts her before calling her.  Another friend, NK doesn’t mind the BBM banter.  Friend AN’s boyfriend hates that she BBMs because he can’t BBM with her…and lastly and perhaps most infuriating, friend JH is “talking” to a guy who only BBMs and seemingly refuses to call her.

Now guys…girls are NOT going to want to call you.  I don’ care how new age independent she is, her friends all aren’t…and they’re going to speak up and ask WHY is she calling you so much when her phone lies dormant.  I also realize that texting/bbming/tweeting/skyping/gchatting/face.bookchatting is all common place now-a-days but honestly, we just want to hear your voice.  ON the phone, not the computer.  For some girls, its not an every night thing…just occasionally..and we don’t want to have to ask.  I can tell you right now if you’re not calling your girl she’s wondering why you don’t want to talk to her. Its just how we operate.

Deeds and I don’t phone much.  He hates it, I maxed out on it back in 7th grade, BUT if I want to talk to him no doubt about it he’ll call lol…I even called him once (red letter day because I’m not the caller…) Now as for friend JH, this guy is new…they haven’t been on a date yet, and everytime she drops a hint to “CALL ME” the guy…we’ll call him BBMarcus..well he won’t call!  JH has called BBMarcus and he’s said he was busy and would call back but would inevitably BBM.  JH is about at her wit’s end.  I suggested talking to him and asking whats the deal (in my years of study and dating I’ve learned that men don’t take hints very well…AT ALL).  My guess is BBMarcus doesn’t realize how close he is to being barred.

But really…WHAT is the deal?

Are you guys afraid you won’t have anything to say?

Do you not have a home and fear that we’ll hear the cars along the highway?

Do you have Sprint?

Can a sista get a phone call!!!???

Men and Money

Tags

independent women, men and money, relationships

So, more often than not we hear about girls liking and even expecting their men to spend money on them and take care of them right? Trick Trick Trickin…however lately in this world as it is now we’re hearing more about this independent woman.  One that doesn’t need, or want, a man to give her anything material because she can get it for herself.

I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings
Only ring your cell-y when I’m feelin lonely
When it’s all over please get up and leave

But really…coming as a woman who likes to consider herself reasonably independent who is in a relationship, I really don’t know how I feel about this notion.  I do need my man, as all women do.  Sorry, its just how I feel.  We weren’t made to be solitary creatures we need consummate companionship.   That being said I was speaking to a friend of mine about accepting money from my man and I am just completely uncomfortable with it.  My friend, K, explained to me that she’s having a hard time financially right now, and her man is being simply that.  Her support.  Why is it ok for our boyfriends to be there emotionally but not financially.  She went on to say that by choosing to struggle rather than accept that help would be to not let him love us wholly.  I went on to agree with her, adding that it makes sense…our men know our hearts. Boy did that make sense.  If I’m struggling with something Deeds is the FIRST and sometimes only person that I go to with the problem.  If I was struggling financially why would I not only not go to him first, but avoid going to him at all?  I sat with this for a long time and even discussed it with Deeds.  He agreed with K’s notion and said that while he wouldn’t be ok accepting from me, he would feel “some kind of way” if I didn’t feel comfortable coming to him.

She don’t need mine, so she leave mine alone
There ain’t nothing in this world sexy
Than a girl that want but don’t need me

I think about the dynamic of men and women today and I think its no wonder the family is what it is now.  Yesterday I asked Deeds “when is a man not a man?” he said “when he’s not needed.”  I don’t think that there is weakness in being submissive, or needing a man.  I don’t think that it makes me any less of a woman nor him any more of a man.  I also don’t believe that the glorification of women who don’t need men is something to be proud of.  If we don’t need each other what do we have?  I completely accept that I’m old-fashioned and conservative in my values but really…is it wrong to say I need a man? I need my man.  I don’t think so.  I think that gives me more power than those pretending they don’t need anybody.  *shrug*

**Dubb Note, moments after I published this post I went to work on another and the power of google lead me to this blog post HERE which I thought was pretty freaky…excellent points that coincide with what I wrote above, only she’s married so perhaps there’s a bit more weight to her opinion.  Also helps me to know that I’m in the right track in my relationship lol…God makes NO mistakes**

If it makes you happy…

Tags

dating, eharmony, online dating, relationships

So I was talking to a BFF about e-dating…is it still taboo? She was nervous because she’d met a great guy online, but didn’t feel comfortable telling people how she met because she said she thought it felt desperate.  Is it, I asked her?  I guess I have a different outlook on things. I figure yeah its not preferable but hell, “If it makes you happy…then it can’t be that bad.”  Just like the song says… Also *little known fact* my parents actually met online. I guess it must have been the first days of the internet lol, but my aunt and I were bored and made my mom a little dating profile and came across who is now my step-father of 16 years. Crazy right? At the time my mom could’ve killed me, but now my parents are very happily married. I think that 1 novel thing is you get to know the person without all the BS-now its a little more iffy as people have whole different internet lives lol…But I guess I don’t see it any differently than meeting up with your Twitter Friends (Twee-Ups) which I’ve done and they constitute the vast majority of my ATL going out friends, and BBM buddies

Even my girl T said that she was going to try eharmony and see how it worked out. Completely encouraged her to do so.  IS it desperate? I don’t think so. I think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with pursuing something if you happen to hit it off with someone even if it was online…IDK maybe I’m 3008 lol

Like water for chocolate

Tags

Love, relationships, settling, thirsty men, thirsty women, water for chocolate

Do you know why “thirsty” people are called so? Because they are looking for something to quench a desire, a physical need to be satiated, and fulfilled. Unfortunately, these thirsty people often seek water, but settle for chocolate….

Yall know I talk mainly to my Ladies, but Men this can definitely go for you as well…why is it that you waste your time in bad relationships? Think, I’ll wait…Twitter friend @MrsCurvy even went so far as to ask, why women will fight so damned hard in a  BF/GF relationship but will be so willing to give up their husband?  Now this I’m speaking to the Ladies, why are you fighting so hard to get down that aisle? I mean women will justify and rationalize to the end of the earth as to why she is with a no-good man.  She will find the spec of good in him that USED to be, and build her dreams around it.  Thinking that she can love him enough that he’ll change; realize that she’s worth changing for and be the man she wants him to be.  I don’t believe in that. I don’t buy broken toasters.

Family Vs. Love…

Tags

choosing a mate, family, HEIDI MONTAG, Love, marriage, relationships, speidi, spencer pratt

So today in class we watched a case study and had a discussion about family and love. Can you spend the rest of your life with someone that your family doesn’t approve of? If you had to make a choice would you? It seems absolutely ludicrous that people would have to choose between the two but people do it everyday…

The case study we watched the woman, G, was very family oriented but felt like her relationship forced her to make a choice-and she chose her husband.  As it turns out, things didn’t end up working and she wondered how it was that she became so isolated in the relationship.  (Hello? Heidi and Spencer)

Speidi

So G was in therapy trying to figure out how to rebound with her family, and regain her sense of self post-relationship demise.  Tough Stuff. My Prof is talkin to us about it and how statistics work against relationships where the family doesn’t approve of the spouse.  However…the family will often mask their distaste for your partner until after the fact.  That was pretty startling to me!  I learned something similar in Ugrad in Dr.K’s class (Human Sexuality). And pair that with my friend Pinky’s honest but brilliant statement “Women will do anything to walk down that aisle,” it makes you really really really want to sit down with your whole family and have a talk. The case study, G, said that she wanted to prove her family wrong, and show him that she loved him and that their love was theirs and that was all that mattered. But its not. Marriage is the union of two families as well as two people, no? Yes.

A while back I was reading a MSN article about things that can kill relationships and things we over look. It mentioned the small things (you like shopping he likes camping…table manners etc.) and bigger things (your best friend hates him/her). Its because they can sometimes see things we can’t see. I was having this discussion with my own BFF(K) and told her that apart from loving your friend, you have to fall in love with a couple (as a BFF) to really give your blessing. This is someone sometimes closer to you than family, and the thought that they don’t approve, legitimately, of your sig.O is bothersome.  There are so many factors to this whole relationship thing… I hope I get it right and all this study doesn’t hinder me.

L (word) M (word)…N-O-P(E)

Tags

dating, Love, marriage, relationships, Sternberg's Triangle

Pretty clever title eh? Ok whatever don’t clown me…anyway so today I was talking with Chef and S about relationships, when S asked the question, “is it too forward to tell a man upfront that you’re looking to be married in the near future?” On the man side, Chef asked, “…but how are you sure that you want to be married to them that soon,” I respond for S-because I think we’re on the same wavelength-by saying, “no maybe not to them Chef but its important they know that you’re not dating 4 sport, u want a future so if they are not heading in that direction they can go ahead and be out, save everybody time and headache.” That seems fair right?

So then my mind starts working overtime and I’m wondering what other people think. I mean at my age (25) and in my community people are getting married right and left.  I’m not necessarily ready for marriage but I will say that I’m not one to date for no reason.  Why waste my time dating you when I know you aren’t the one? Couldn’t possibly be the one…and are barely even my type? I’m sorry perhaps its the age of “independent woman” songs and Sex and the City, but I’m not pressed to date a man or keep him around just for companionship. I’m perfectly happy solo, or with girlfriends. Of course there’s the issue of sex but I mean that’s debateable. For me, its better if you care about the person, so there’s no point in being indiscriminant. Which might mean I’m picky, I’d just like to think that I know what I want out of life.

The d-word (dating) should lead to the elle word (love) which should lead to the m-word (marriage)…lemme drop some quick psychology on yall lol. Take Sternberg’s Triangle…

Sternberg's Triangle

There are 3 factors. Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment…you can see above what the combinations equal, but if early on you ALREADY KNOW or can sense that you’re not going to have all 3 of these with the person you’re dating, is it wrong to end it? I feel that in your heart of hearts…you know. Intuition never lets us down. And its only fair. If I know that I’m looking for a life partner, husband type, then why on EARTH would I settle for a boyfriend?