A while back…I made a catalogue of my biggest flaws. I actually sent them to my boyfriend and told him, hey…I know all these things about myself, and to some extent I’m working on them, some of them…well they just come as apart of the package. I think sometimes he must laugh at my neurosis because honestly who makes a list of their biggest flaws? Anyway, even looking at the worst in myself I’m able to smile and be thankful that I am the woman I am. Self love should be our first love, and I think that’s novel but I can say that I don’t know that I fully loved and accepted myself until after I got into a relationship. I thought I loved myself, I was pretty hard on myself, setting impossible standards pairing that with bullish determination to meet them. Makes for a remarkable person though, I gotta say, but a spiritually exhausted one.
Now…I’m able to take things in stride a bit better. For example, I made a “B” in my research design class this summer. Tarnishing my 4.0 dream for my Masters. It hurt even more because I worked for the professor and he knows how hard I worked in not only class but for my department. Truth, I wore myself too thin and didn’t do A work. So, I said you know Jess…lesson learned. Maybe work+internship+classes isn’t the smartest idea in the world over the summer.
When I see self-sabotage in myself or in friends my heart pulls. I don’t like myself when I’m feeling defeated, so I try not to feel that way for long. I also make it a point to push others (sometimes more than is warranted or asked for) to feeling and getting to the root of their behaviors…I recently re-realized that people are going to do what they want to do. This is a continual lesson. So I’ve begun to pray a simple prayer, “Dear Lord…help them to love themselves as you love us, unconditionally and without waiver.” And I (try) to leave it at that.
I’ll leave with a quote from Gabby Union as quoted from the introduction she wrote for Hill Harper’s Letters to a Young Sister:
“It is important to remember to be human. Being human is having all the emotions, which includes feelings of sadness, insecurity, and at times inadequacy, yet realizing that, though we may have these feelings from time to time, we are NEVER inadequate. We are every bit the person we are supposed to be and always everything that we need.”