Last night I wrote:
I miss being numb.
Drifting through life unattached by care or worry. Just me.
I feel so much its like my body is inside out and my nerves are being over-stimulated.
I feel family, friends, strangers, characters…its all I can do just to touch the still water of a being but not drown in the ocean of them.
Wish there was a switch
A healthy switch
Just turn it off, God.
Take away my care.
Leave me barren.
Alas, He won’t. I don’t even really want him to. I just wish it didn’t hurt so fucking bad. The Devil attacks us at the level of our potential. I’m meant to be this open. I’m meant to feel so many. Ok, God. I get it. I get it.
Sometimes…ok no, indefinitely, we must accept the person that we are. I’m a person who is sensitive. I feel my emotions 200% and I feel those around me. Its for a reason, I’m meant to help. My career path proves my acceptance of that (somewhat). Its harder with friends and family because there’s a personal investment there, but I try. Moreover, and more recently its accepting expectations of me. Whether I care to admit it, or not, I’m a nurturer mothering figure. That’s something that people expect of me, and to not be that person is weird for me.
I’ve also accepted that some people are not going to be in my life in certain capacities. And that’s ok. Lastly, I’ve accepted that Deeds loves me as much as I love him. And that may sound weird…but…ok, lets share with you guys:
One night Deeds and I were talking and I said ok, well goodnight. He said goodnight and I lingered…after about five minutes I asked “why didn’t you stop me? You know sometimes I say goodnight just to see if you will.” He answered citing that he doesn’t want me to leave, but understands that I get tired. I mentioned that I wonder if I test him…test him to see if he will leave me. He challenged me by saying, “I don’t think you test me, I think you’re testing you…seeing if you’re worthy of me not leaving.”
That exchange kind of struck a huge chord with me. I didn’t know my own worth. I needed validation, and even though he didn’t, I put conditions on his love for me. He loves me because I’m this or He loves me because I’m that…and now I just accept that he loves me. All of me. I don’t know why, and I’ve stopped caring. I’m just thankful.
One thing that this program (My Masters) has you do is explore every bit of yourself. Its amazing how much I’ve discovered, and accepted. I’m open right now, I think. I’m starting to heal though, and people can see my wounds and they ask…and I’m glad to share because having a past, having a struggle isn’t something to be ashamed of. I find it empowering. Just accepting. Accepting myself, completely.