Taking a break from my political commentary, I’ll get back to it later today, but I gotta make this post cry (HOV!). Yesterday was supposed to be easy breezy, wake up do some work, check in at my office, do laundry and chill with Deeds. Well, it was that easy initially. Then… well first I went over to my moms to get my Gain, and she asked me to wait there til she got back. I knew it was a mistake but I waited. Then she got there and she asked about me and Deeds…and I knew it was a mistake to tell her what I told her, but I did it anyway…and she pissed me off. Royally. I’m officially under the impression that she is just going to be a bitch about meeting him, which makes me want to keep him far away from her. Can I run away? No? not yet? Lets continue.
So then I get home a bit later and my dad texts me…he wants something. Of course. I just give up here really. Not that I expect anything anymore, but I just am completely indifferent to his existence. Which probably isn’t good. Vesting myself would be touching the stove again…or more like just leaving my hand there. Been there done that. I called my aunt (his sister) looking for my Grandma because it was her birthday (partial reason he text)…She tells me his dog died and he was pretty upset about it and she’s never seen him so upset. When I talked to my Grandmother she told me the same thing. I couldn’t help but think about the fact that a) I didn’t talk to him for three years and he was more upset about a dog? Then the fact that he never told any of them about my accident…I just got enraged. I wanted to break stuff last night. Instead, I bottled it in and said it’ll be over just go to Deeds.
We were fine…then he did something pretty minor, I think? I don’t know because when it happened it felt like someone just popped my bubble and slapped me in the face. The thing that angered me most was, well this has happened before and its always an accident on my part. I just wish I never knew because it tipped me into out of control, emotionally. It was the perfect ending to a shitty day.
This morning I walked to work and listened to my “singing hard in the car” playlist and lip sync’d the words as I walked and by the time I got here I was nearly in tears. My emotions are on high right now. All because I kept touching the stove yesterday. I know at some point today I’m going to break down. I feel on the verge right now. I’m hoping I can keep it together and everything will just subside and I can get over it. I just don’t want to feel today. I know its wrong. I just don’t.