What happens after we come to conclusions about ourselves?
A client asked me, “Did something happen? Did something happen and I just don’t know, or I just don’t remember?” I responded, “You ask as if you weren’t there.” They concluded, “I think that’s it. I wasn’t. Now I am…where have I been?”
That was the beginning of a different journey. I’m here…now what? I understand certain things, now what? I have realized truths about my past, now what? Now…what? Do I do…feel…think…act…pray…everything is different now.
For me, my big revelation came about a year ago. I’ve talked about it a few times here…there were actually two instances. One was, realizing that I did not trust anyone. Not even myself. I can recognize this trait in others because I did it so well for so long. I not-so-patiently waited for others to disappoint me and when they did I pushed them out of my life with ease because I was never truly attached to them in the first place. It really bothered me to think that I didn’t have roots. That if certain friends were to do just one thing “wrong” they’d be written off as if they never existed and I would be perfectly okay. There’s something wrong when you’re indifferent to loss.
My second and perhaps the root of the first came that one night with Deeds when I realized that I, was essentially a liar. I was not as confident as I seemed, I was not as self-assured, I was not impenetrable, I had no idea what my worth was. I relied on other people, or other things to set my value. “If he does ______ for me then I am _____.” I don’t blame my dad, but that’s where this stemmed from. Its always a conflict at the root. Mine was:
I want you (him) to love me…but trust that you will fall short.
Of course this wasn’t born out of thin air. It was established after years of broken promises and disappointments. I did not know that I took this broken mantra into every single relationship in my life. I can honestly say that I’ve pushed away a lot more people than I’ve kept, and I don’t miss the people that have gone, I can only recognize the fact that they left. Its a weird feeling. So now what?
Well…I decided to change. I decided to open up to people. I decided to trust people. This at the hem of being in a relationship where, he lives by his question to me, “Let me be your shield?” I may be hurt by people, but I have no doubt that I can survive it. I find that my friendships now are far richer than they have been at any other time in my life. I had to reprogram my thinking…vulnerability is not weakness. You cannot control emotion. You can only be. Accepting who I am when I just *am* is a hard thing. That’s usually what comes of the revelations. In the end, we are.