Inner Ear infection

For a while now, I’ve been receiving instructions. To leap. No not off a bridge-to leap as in to try, to just try for something and not worry about the consequences.  Something has been telling me leap, you’ll be fine. I can’t seem to. I want to. It sounds great, freeing, fun, impractical. I’m a practical person. I’m a logical person.  Fuctional. Everything has a place and a purpose.  Is that the kind of person I want to be?

I want to be the kind of person who can listen with her heart, and act.  I don’t want to be fearful, or anxious. I want to just know.  I want to be able to accept things as they are.  I’ve gotten better, but it just seems like my inner ear is muffled by logic. I can’t dismiss logic though, because well…it makes a good case for itself. Damn it.

I’m even afraid to speak it outloud. People will think I’m crazy. I thought about it today. When I was sitting in my staff meeting and my Director said, “when we have an anomaly like this where I’m ‘supposed to’ have [something/someone], and we don’t…it has to be us. We have the deficiency.  So, we spend our lives accessing our value and essentially saying, ‘Why am I not good enough?”  It really struck a chord with me. I want it. My heart wants it. My inner voice is telling me to go for it, but its like this unshakeable, un-silenceable voice that just keeps telling me, “NO, you’re not good enough, you will fail.”  Its time to shut that voice up. How God?  How…

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