Fword it. I can’t sleep.
It recently came to my attention that a few of my friends from the 615 have started blogging. I got to read one of my friends’ blogs tonight and make a few comments, and started another, but her words were too tiny and my eyes didn’t like it. It makes me happy. I’m a fan of blogging as you can tell, I’ve been here since 08 sometime. My blog has seen me through tiptoeing with alcohol issues, dancing with depression, relationship tangos, and now grad school shuffling. We movin and shakin round here!
Lately, it seems that every time my phone rings its bad news. It started with a friend and her antics with her boyfriend (I had to let this situation go because it was causing ME grief), and it hasn’t exactly stopped yet. One thing after the other…suicide, self harm, abuse, abandonment, bombs just keep going off in my life. How am I handling it? I’m not quite sure. I just am. I take it how it comes and I deal. Realizing your own personal limitations is a freeing thing. Earlier tonight, I was searching for post I did a while back, and I came across this quote: When you grasp, you are losing your freedom. Realize this and grasp at nothing. Give up becoming this or that, live without cravings, and experience this present moment with full attention. Then you will not cringe at death or seek repeated rebirth. How novel right? I found it particularly stunning that I came across this on tonight. A night during a week when I have been forcing myself to wake up early to workout, and then not working out, feeling more tired than ever. Its like my body is just completely working against me. I keep asking myself…Jess what is going on? Jess, what are you not telling yourself? Jess, why are you afraid of being great? Tonight I asked myself, Jess, what’s wrong with the person you are right now?
That’s my word for today. I’ve given so much power to this thing. This…state of being. It controls me because I have no control over it. Its like I want it so desperately…its the reflection in my Mirror of Erised. I need to not put stipulations on my greatness. Accept it for all that it is, currently. Stop desiring. Stop.