Carrie: I need time to decompress, just be alone.
There have to be some adjustments. Relationships are hard.
I miss walking into my apartment with no one there
and it’s all quiet.  I can do that stuff you do when you’re totally alone,
things you would never want your boyfriend to see you do.
Samantha– Like masturbate? Carrie– My SSB:
my secret, single behavior. I like to make a stack of saltines and put grape jelly on them.
I eat them standing up in the kitchen while reading fashion magazines.
Miranda:– Why standing up? Carrie– It’s weird, but it feels great.

Last night I talked to the two people who generally make sense in my life about this notion. You see, I have this issue. I don’t ever want to be the kind of woman who reveals the secrets, so to speak. I realize the preposterousness of this suggestion, however in my perfect world… and yes, my two friends made it clear that I’m going to have to GET OVER IT.

The secrets, to me, are mainly hair, but then again… I usually clean my space every other day, and deep clean once a week, all to be done to Britney, or Bob Marley. Deeds knows this, but I’ve told him on deep clean day he’ll have to disappear. When it comes to my hair, I mean I sleep in one of the not so cute bonnets. When I’m in LA, I definitely do NOT wear it. I manage. I couldn’t do that every night though. My hair would be a hot matted mess.  He thinks I’m crazy and has stressed that he grew up with a mother so clearly he is unphased, I just prefer to always be a little put together (undergarments always match, pj sets, very organized). I already decided that I’ll have to retire my basketball shorts (opted for leggings instead, they’re a little more femme).  Hmm what else? I’m sure there’s more, but I’m not ready to reveal it all quite yet.

Does this mean I’m not ready to move in? You dang right!! I’m not one for shacking up anyway, but I’ve made it clear that there will be no cohabitation before diamonds (aka engagement).  And neither of us want a long engagement so this is not going to be one of those things…where you’re living together forever waiting to progress. Anyway once he puts a diamond on the table then I suppose I can be ok wearing rollers or the hair bonnet in front of him…but only with a little lip gloss (gimme that much people!!!)

To be clear this is not a matter of self esteem…its not that I don’t think he would believe I’m beautiful in this state. No, its more a matter of, these are my things…its more an intimacy issue. That’s about as “in” as it gets. There’s no going back once you show them the man (or woman) behind the curtain. And then…that mystery is revealed and there’s a little sadness. A bit of magic down the drain, and everybody loves magic…I just find that revealing the secrets will be, in some way, disenchanting. I don’t want to lose the magic.


2 thoughts on “My SSB

  1. Lurker popping in to say hey 🙂

    I get your fear of losing the magic because I used to have that too. But I discovered that there’s a different kind of magic in letting go of all the facades and realizing that the “zsa zsa zu” is still there. The first magic is like champagne–the bubbles make you giddy, but once you open the bottle it eventually goes flat. Once you get comfortable it’s like wine–it gets better with age.

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