Sometimes its hard to turn off my intuition. I was reading a post by one of my new favorite blogger’s (as of 1-hour ago) The Skinny Black Girl. In the post, found HERE, she discusses the rejection of being the wife. The archetype who commonly gets portrayed as yielding (black girls read: weak), accommodating (black girls read: weak), and kind to the point of naive (black girls read: weak). Reading the article I thought about a friend of mine, who normally I would name but today I’ll leave anonymous, and a conversation we had recently (and ironically looking through SBG’s comments she read the article and agreed-of course). She said that she does not want to be a Beyonce or a Michelle Obama, but instead an Oprah. In other words, she wants to be seen as singularly successful. Beyonce is now BeyonceandJayz and the public and media seemed unsatisfied with her until she identified herself as part of a greater unit. My friend, and it appears the SBG want to be recognize singularly for their achievements.
Pause. Jess read: major trust issues.
Here’s where I wish I could turn it off. I don’t want to think about the “issues” with my friends. I don’t want to hear the meaning reflected in some of the things that they say, but sometimes its like a never-ending gong. I never want to dig deeper…damn it sometimes I just find myself falling into the rabbit hole.
Now, first I want to point out that while Oprah is singularly successful, she is part of a greater unit. She is in a monogamous relationship and has been for quite some time. She holds it so sacred that in her life, we could tell you 3 facts about any area of her life except her relationship. It is observably upheld that people have a tendency to hold closely, that which is most sacred. It is obvious to me that her relationship is one of those things she wishes to remain untouched, and untarnished by media scrutiny. For that reason I can formulate that, this picture of the mogul of independence may be skewed. Sure her name stands alone, but she doesn’t.
Lets face it, we’re not meant to be alone. Period. Our body functions are all centered around socialization and reproduction, and whether we want to admit it or not, women are meant to be more discriminant than men. No, I don’t buy into the notion of “having sex like a man.” We are women, we can only have sex like women. Or at best sex like women trying to have sex like men.
When I see someone so avidly rejecting what is, in large part, innate I have to wonder why. Perhaps its my need for order and logic. Perhaps its intuition, I cannot say for sure. What I can say is, there’s more to that story than you’re hearing.
My friend’s boyfriend disappeared. This is someone she loved and someone she was making future plans with and he disappeared, and she didn’t care. No, I don’t think she acted like she didn’t care. I think she didn’t. Do I think she loved him? Yes, with what she had or knew of love at the time. Sometimes she cries and doesn’t know why. I certainly don’t either and will not attempt to guess here, but I know that its something unexplored and/or repressed. There’s always more.
Not to over disclose my friend. I’ll redirect. I used to cry, and sometimes will now. For unknown reason, the difference between then and now in me is that now I dig. I dig with my bare hands through hard soil until I find the reason. I can’t not explore my feelings now. Much as sometimes I may not want to, I have to. I have to because I can’t answer another question until I know who I am. Who I am determines everything, so I must explore it. The hands hit the first bit of hard granite beneath the soil summer of 08, I kept punching thru until summer of 09 I realized, “I have major trust and intimacy issues.” Its easiest to recognize the familiar. We’re not all that different, human beings.
So while I could be entirely 180 degrees of wrong, and I am ok with being so, I doubt that I am.
See? Why I wish I could turn it off?