Digging Deeper

Sometimes its hard to turn off my intuition. I was reading a post by one of my new favorite blogger’s (as of 1-hour ago) The Skinny Black Girl. In the post, found HERE, she discusses the rejection of being the wife. The archetype who commonly gets portrayed as yielding (black girls read: weak), accommodating (black girls read: weak), and kind to the point of naive (black girls read: weak).  Reading the article I thought about a friend of mine, who normally I would name but today I’ll leave anonymous, and a conversation we had recently (and ironically looking through SBG’s comments she read the article and agreed-of course).  She said that she does not want to be a Beyonce or a Michelle Obama, but instead an Oprah.  In other words, she wants to be seen as singularly successful.  Beyonce is now BeyonceandJayz and the public and media seemed unsatisfied with her until she identified herself as part of a greater unit.  My friend, and it appears the SBG want to be recognize singularly for their achievements.

Pause. Jess read: major trust issues.

Here’s where I wish I could turn it off. I don’t want to think about the “issues” with my friends. I don’t want to hear the meaning reflected in some of the things that they say, but sometimes its like a never-ending gong. I never want to dig deeper…damn it sometimes I just find myself falling into the rabbit hole.

Now, first I want to point out that while Oprah is singularly successful, she is part of a greater unit. She is in a monogamous relationship and has been for quite some time. She holds it so sacred that in her life, we could tell you 3 facts about any area of her life except her relationship.  It is observably upheld that people have a tendency to hold closely, that which is most sacred. It is obvious to me that her relationship is one of those things she wishes to remain untouched, and untarnished by media scrutiny.  For that reason I can formulate that, this picture of the mogul of independence may be skewed. Sure her name stands alone, but she doesn’t.

Lets face it, we’re not meant to be alone. Period. Our body functions are all centered around socialization and reproduction, and whether we want to admit it or not, women are meant to be more discriminant than men.  No, I don’t buy into the notion of “having sex like a man.” We are women, we can only have sex like women. Or at best sex like women trying to have sex like men.

When I see someone so avidly rejecting what is, in large part, innate I have to wonder why.  Perhaps its my need for order and logic.  Perhaps its intuition, I cannot say for sure. What I can say is, there’s more to that story than you’re hearing.

My friend’s boyfriend disappeared. This is someone she loved and someone she was making future plans with and he disappeared, and she didn’t care. No, I don’t think she acted like she didn’t care. I think she didn’t. Do I think she loved him? Yes, with what she had or knew of love at the time.  Sometimes she cries and doesn’t know why. I certainly don’t either and will not attempt to guess here, but I know that its something unexplored and/or repressed. There’s always more.

Not to over disclose my friend. I’ll redirect. I used to cry, and sometimes will now. For unknown reason, the difference between then and now in me is that now I dig. I dig with my bare hands through hard soil until I find the reason. I can’t not explore my feelings now. Much as sometimes I may not want to, I have to. I have to because I can’t answer another question until I know who I am. Who I am determines everything, so I must explore it. The hands hit the first bit of hard granite beneath the soil summer of 08, I kept punching thru until summer of 09 I realized, “I have major trust and intimacy issues.”  Its easiest to recognize the familiar. We’re not all that different, human beings.

So while I could be entirely 180 degrees of wrong, and I am ok with being so, I doubt that I am.

See? Why I wish I could turn it off?

3 thoughts on “Digging Deeper

  1. “I dig with my bare hands through hard soil until I find the reason. I can’t not explore my feelings now. Much as sometimes I may not want to, I have to. I have to because I can’t answer another question until I know who I am. Who I am determines everything, so I must explore it. ”

    This is so profound in ways you don’t know! How many of us out there don’t take time to really figure out who we are. We get caught up on who we want to be, who people expect us to be, and what we think people want from us. Being true to yourself and disregarding notions of others is essential!

    and I’m 100% with you on we cannot be women who fuck like men. It’s not who we are designed to be. The idea of “we” has been around a lot longer than the idea of just “me”

  2. I, too, love this quote! So much that I wrote it right in my journal where I keep affirmations, quotes, excerpts etc that I don’t want to forget. It’s everything. I spent so long suppressing myself and not knowing myself that now I’m obsessive about being as real and aware as possible.

    I’m in a long term, serious, committed relationship. We have three children, but we aren’t married. Both of us have marriage baggage from how we were raised. We may get married one day, but we may not. Not until we feel that we’ve successfully sorted through our feelings and hang ups about marriage, and can define for ourselves what it means TO US. Many people disagree or don’t approve, but we’re grown. I used to care what people thought about it. But I don’t anymore…for the most part. **going to get my shovel and gardening gloves in preparation to dig**

    1. My personal belief is that we all care, its to what extent. Do I care enough to change my plans to appease the masses? No. It sounds like you agree. I think its commendable that you are waiting until you’re ready. Every couple does have to write their own rules so to speak because in the end its only you and this other person that are in that relationship. You never know the truth about someone else’s bed or bank account.

      Thank you both for loving my words, sometimes I’m accidentally profound LOL

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