So by know you guys know that I started up another blog geared towards Black Women and mental health issues…well I was reading this book for a post and it was so interesting that I thought I would address it personally here. So, click HERE for the whole exercise, but I’d like to challenge myself to answer a few. Basically, it asks you to say, for the sake of _____ I had to _____ and it tells you how you compromised yourself. As I ran down the list only one jumped out at me.
For the sake of having fun I had to be drinking.
Now, I don’t blame my university for my brief bout with binge drinking, however I’ll say that at a university like UT its completely acceptable to binge drink and no one think twice about it. At that time in my life when fun meant drinking it wasn’t about the alcohol. It was about being numb. There was so much going on in my life with my dad and my grappling with feelings of abandonment, hurt, and well just lots of things. I didn’t want my life at the moment. I can say now that I wasn’t exactly suicidal but I wouldn’t have minded not being around. I just didn’t see a way out of feeling the way that I felt. I would be at work just praying to not feel so bad and crying. So, when I got back home and was around my friends, hey lets drink and lets party and lets just feel good.
I wanted to feel better and I took to the things that gave me even temporary pleasure. Thank God I didn’t turn to drugs or even sex…its much easier to give up the bottle. Let me clarify, it wasn’t even about the alcohol, its about everywhere it was. It was about being with friends, it was about having a good time, it was about laughter, I wasn’t blacking out or waking up drinking, I was just partying WAY too hard and way too often.
I really can’t think of another that jumped at me like that. I was so incredibly closed off to people. It made depression that much easier to fall into because, I wasn’t attached to anyone or anything. I’d learned at an early age that getting close means getting hurt. I’m not there anymore, but I look at how I would argue with friends and just never talk to them again. I was so unattached that friends I’d had for 15 years were allowed to just walk out of my life quietly. How did it get that bad? How did I get better?
I think it was just a decision. To discover the parts of myself I’d sold, or hidden and put myself back together. In any case, try the exercise and see where it gets you. It certainly is thought provoking!