I had to walk home in the rain today. Not just rain, but monsoon rain thunderstorm warnings and tornado watches. I had on ballet flats which got soaked and wouldn’t stay on so I had to just take them off and walk barefoot through the puddles. I remember having to do this last semester. It was in april or march and I was walking home because I didn’t have a car, the path to get to my apartment was flooded and I was just so overwhelmed by the “bad” I just sat down in the road and cried. All the bad thoughts came rushing back in me as consuming as though they’d never left. I felt worthless, hopeless, lonely mostly. I felt like it was storming on me and me alone…I thought of drinking, then I thought of dying, the romance of it…God it sounded so good and just to wish my next breath was my last felt euphoric, it happened over the course of minutes I was right back there in that space that I’d fought to escape. Depression is a patient s.o.b. But I’d beat it before and I would again…I had to. How had I gotten here? Sad that a in a moment a years worth of work had unraveled, I cried. I cried until I got up and walked home, crying, thinking Lord it just has to get better than this.
Well here I am a few months later, had to do the same thing and I can tell you I feel a world of difference. Last night, in life, it felt like that april afternoon. It felt like I have to make some decisions that will effect the REST OF MY LIFE *in booming echo voice* and the thought of it was just swallowing me whole. I was overwhelmed to the point of indecision and I actually told one friend, “I’ll think about it next year.” And have every intention of doing just that..until, a friend sent me a text message it read:
We pray for options and opportunities and God gives them to us, then we don’t know what to do once they show up! Go figure. I have to make myself praise God for the abundance that He has given rather than stay in fear of the unknown. He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of peace, love, and a sound mind.
God does not lead those who are called according to His Word down the wrong path, so whichever way you ultimately go, God has a plan for you there.
Man…when I tell you that just made the rain seem more bearable…that’s an understatement. I just felt like someone shook me and woke me up. Deeds then told me, baby go pray. So, I did, and its like I had new life. To finish the title, when it rains…it rains…and life keeps going!