Yesterday was one of the hardest days I’ve had in a while. The emotion and the decisions and the emotion surrounding decisions and…it was just a lot. It boils down to what makes you stay? Yesterday bled into today and I woke up and went for my copy of Committed. In it I read the following passages:
“We Americans often say that marriage is ‘hard work’…-but how does marriage become hard work? Here’s how: Marriage becomes hard work once you have poured the entirety of your lifes expectations for happiness into the hands of one mere person. Keeping that going is hard work. (48)”
And I thought about that…specifically the word expectations. I think it is hard to lose the expectations but I think that it is necessary. For me, I expected (constantly) that my man (or really any man…or person period) would disappoint and then leave me. Nothing about our relationship had to suggest it, I just expected it. Now for someone who expects something positive (like happiness in a person) it is just as detrimental. In the end, we just have to accept them for who they are, flaws and all. We have to have faith enough in ourselves that we chose a good partner, and faith in God that he or she is the one sent made especially for us. Then I thought, well…accepting is just a decision, its a tough one but its just a choice. And…well is accepting hard? Then I read:
“How do you measure the worth of becoming that familiar to somebody-so utterly well known and so thoroughly ever-present that you become an almost invisible necessity, like air? (196)”
Do you fight for your relationship? No you don’t, and I finally got that. The whole, letting go hoping they come back notion. Its an in between, you let go-but they right ones never leave. You don’t, however, let go of them you let go of the shoulds. Of the expectations and you just accept them, accept your situation as it is. Or you don’t. You don’t fight for your relationship, you breathe…and its like air.
Measuring my worth, what do I mean to him, what does this relationship mean to him, mean mean mean…trusting action. He is there. Every day. I wake up to him, I go to sleep to him, I cry to him, I laugh with him, yet I still need meaning? I still need quantifiable evidence that he loves me when he shows me everyday? No. Enough. Breathe. It is not hard work to be with the man that you love, because that love has become as effortless and omnipresent as your breath. Accept him with every inhale, and forgive him with every exhale. If he is the one. And, he IS the one.