The other night I hit my e-bff Cleo up and told her, “I think I just grew up-emotionally.” What had just happened was that I admitted something about myself that I was not at all proud of and was determined to change. As I said it out loud to myself I also said it to Deeds, but then I said it to Cleo. Ultimately her response was:
I know you can do it though. You’ve been on such a journey learning & loving urself lately, this would be bound to come up as a change you’d have to tackle
It surprised me that she believed I could do it. I’m not sure why…well here’s my best guess. I have been consciously working on internalizing my achievements and successes. Mainly, though, from an academic and professional standpoint (I work damn hard). I have also been working on becoming a better me in my personal life, although it doesn’t seem I’m comfortable shining there yet. To be honest, I’m not comfortable “shining” professionally yet but, its much harder to ignore. I told Deeds that in 2011 we were going to stop fearing our greatness.
It seems a bit backwards, that one would work so hard and simplifying, letting go, learning forgiveness, spiritually training themselves and then not be proud of it. It is a huge deal! And had I recognized it in anyone else I would be chagrin not to acknowledge. So, I must acknowledge it in myself. I know that I cannot give someone something they don’t already have. The best I can do is inspire them to find it within themselves.
Next year I want to make monthly goals. A fitness goal, a personal wellness goal, a professional goal, and a charitable one. My ones for January are tentatively:
*run 3-4x a week
*wake up every morning making time for praise and meditation
*properly prepare for GCCA conference
*find a mentorship program for those ready to age-out of Foster care.
I just want to get back to basics. Doing what’s right, and feeling good. I want my heart and my spirit to be the most widely discussed things about me. Lord, I have such an affair with your peace…I just know I am bigger than my body. I pray that my work never become about me and is always a reflection; a prism taking His light and reflecting it to everyone around me. Use me.