The thing is, there’s some things people don’t admit because they just don’t like the way it sounds. Like, “I’m getting divorced.”
I’m lonely. I am. The loneliness is palpable.
I don’t like the way that sounds. Not one bit, but I am. I wake up and go to work, I go to class, I socialize with the people around me and then…I go home, alone. I rarely go out or do anything else and really I don’t have a lot of time to but even when I do I don’t. I am lonely. And the worst part of it is, I have a boyfriend.
The thing about being in a long distance relationship is, for 90% of the time you operate like a single person. You don’t have anyone to cook for, sleep with, sit and do nothing with, and in this particular instance spend your holidays with. Something about having Deeds here and not actually be here has just been very hard for me. What the point? What’s the point of having a someone who isn’t there? That’s the hard part. Is my relationship what I want right now? No. I want my own family. I want someone to come home to. I’m not saying I have to be married or engaged or anything…I just am at a point now in my life where that is the kind of relationship I want.
This year my friend spent her first Christmas with just her husband and their son. They didn’t visit his mom or her mom or have to worry about meeting up with friends or going to parties, it was just them. I want that. I don’t necessarily mind visiting with family but…its like everytime someone asked where Deeds was I had to answer, “Oh he’s with his family.” And every time it hurt because in an entity so immersed, it was a reminder that we are very much separate.
So what do I do with that? Be patient and wait for him to be ready, right? Then what about how I feel? What do I do to reconcile those feelings? Do I just resign to compromise myself and my wants…either way I have to don’t I? I hate this. I really do. Its not a good feeling, its a hopeless feeling. Completely hopeless.