A week ago today, my obligation

A week ago today I had tea with my professor and he said a curious thing to me…he said: you owe it to your race to get married and produce more of you; more responsible, educated Blacks. Which was met by my laughter as I thought surely he was joking.  He continued on: What’s so funny? America is sterilizing your race. Supporting the over education and progression of your women, but putting your men in jail.  And the men who are equal to you don’t want you, they want [a] blonde; white man’s prize.  You read Malcolm X? Damn.

I owe it to my race huh? That sat with me for a while.  A slow-roast conversation, if you will.  Now even though this is my plan any it was weird to have someone state it to me like this.  Not just someone but a professor that I respect (who happens to be of an ethnic minority as well).  I told him that I planned on getting married, he asked if I had a boyfriend, I said I did. He said well what are you waiting on? I said we can’t get married broke?! He said why not? Damn.

Now what the hell do I say to that?  I blamed it on my boyfriend citing that I couldn’t very well ask myself, but in all honesty it is a mutual decision between the two of us.  Not yet ready for marriage or kids and all that it entails.  Then of course, because I’m me I thought “why not?” When will I ever be ready to not be selfish?  (sidebar: I recently decided that THIS is what makes relationships hard.  We have our own wants/needs/agenda and it is so hard to not be selfish sometimes and we want to run away from our relationship just to have our way.  Sadly enough “our way” will have us single listening to Beyonce songs). One day I’ll say “I do” and make little curly haired babies like this cutie to the right.  I mean I owe it to my race.

I owe it to myself as well…to try for happiness.  I’ve always wanted a family (curiously, not always to get married though…lol I’ve since changed), more than even a career so why is it silly or provincial to work for it like I would my career?  My final answer to his question of why not would have to be, I’m never going to be more ready than I am right now, and when the opportunity presents itself I’ll gladly oblige; but for now I will enjoy the place that we are and not from a seat of waiting, but from one of acceptance and understanding.

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8 thoughts on “A week ago today, my obligation

  1. He actually makes a lot of sense… I’ve never thought about it like that. Growing up I always told my parents I wanted 6 kids, yea… young and ignorant lol. I’m at a point where I’m questioning marriage and kids, but I guess I owe it to my race 🙂

  2. Someone told me that before..and at the time, I was like “YEA RIGHT”. Since meeting “The One”, I can honestly say the thought makes me smile. But I never really looked at it as something I owed my race…but he does have a very good point.

  3. VSB touched on this awhile back: http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/1984-and-more-how-important-is-spreading-the-right-seeds/

    But in a sense I do have to agree with my professor. Black folks are already the minority and educated/sensible black folks (cuz degrees aren’t everything), even more so. It’s easy to forget that because in college and beyond our social groups shift to include other EBPs, but there are probably LESS than 6 degrees of separation between all college educated black folks.

    My bf and I are getting married as soon as he finishes his Bachelor’s & gets a job, so that’ll be sometime next year if all goes well. Sure, we’ll be broke but so were my parents when they got married. There’s something to be said for struggling and building a foundation together. I don’t think that anyone should rush into marriage, but if your only obstacle is the finances I say go ahead and do it-you get a lot of tax breaks & insurance benefits from being married and having a roommate automatically halves your expenses. If y’all can get by without having to collect food stamps or unemployment, you’re not too broke to get married!

    Another excuse people give is that they don’t want to have children…is BC rendered ineffective once you get married or something? o_O Not every woman likes hormonal BC, but the IUD is a great option. And condoms may be a “mood killer” but if having to take 10sec to put that on destroys your desire for sex, you have a weak libido anyway. Babies are a lifetime of inconvenience so it’s not a big deal to me *shrug*. I just feel like people put off marriage until they get set in their ways and lack the mental & emotional flexibility to be part of a cohesive unit.

    I understand the drive to get an education, but my dad was married (and working!) when he was a law student. Our generation has the mistaken belief that life can be controlled as long as you plan it carefully enough. Plans help, but you can’t plan for everything. Again, nobody should get married before they are ready- but we need to stop acting like 22 year olds are any less capable of having a successful marriage than 32 year olds, especially with the 50% divorce rate. Age is not a direct correlation to maturity, or knowing yourself.

    I could go on but this comment is already obscenely long…!

    1. I agree! I think that for me I would like at least one of us to be working LOL. Funny, we are in similar situations timeline wise 😉 I think that MANY twenty-somethings are capable and I do think it only gets harder the longer you live alone because then you get more set in your own ways with your own “rules”. There are, of course, exceptions.
      If tomorrow Deeds said lets do it, I’d be down.

  4. I agree with the prof. Taking emotion out of it, I’ve always been about “eugenics” when it comes to marriage and babies.

    This is really strange to say especially since I want to be married, but I almost feel like I don’t feel like doing it until I’m ready to have kids.

    And almost feel like I won’t be ready to have kids until Depo does me wrong and I have one by accident.

    But if you ask me though, if I’m not married between the years of 2013 and 2016, I might feel some kind of way.

    I feel like I’m too young to be someone’s wife.

  5. Owe it to your race? In the case of our illustrious writer that would be a boon to the entire human race. Why pigeon hole yourself, Jess?

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