Earlier today I wrote that post and I was feeling really down, honestly, because its something I just cannot figure out. Then…something happened. Deeds sent me a picture that I’d sent him a while ago near the beginning months of us-ness. He said it was one of his favorites. I’d sent it to him as an anti-nassy pic lol, but what struck me immediately was how much different I look now…I quickly went and put on the same outfit, and snapped a quick picture and looked at the two side by side. Now..these pictures are taken with a non-fancy camera phone, haven’t been photoshopped or edited (except for me melding them side by side) they’re simply just me. I look at it and I feel three things.
Hopeful because I see that I can do it. I see that I have been doing it. My habits pay off and I need to give myself some credit. Not eating meat, not eating fast food, not drinking sodas or sugary juices, getting in a gallon of water a day, upping my green intake, vitamins…it is all paying off.
Broken because I couldn’t tell without the pictures. I couldn’t see the difference in myself. I couldn’t feel the difference. I am stuck in a mindset that numbs me to some things and I wish I could just wake up. I have to give myself time I suppose. I’m not going to keep crying because I mess up, I’m going to give myself a break; oddly enough the thing I ask clients to do at least 5x a week. I am human, an imperfect human. Love, however, is perfect. So to combat the broke me I will love myself more fiercely.
Overwhelmed because (and perhaps this is superficial) he loved me then just as much as he does now. I (the all encompassing I) am not three numbers. I was watching Biggest Loser and one of the contestants said (of Jillian) “Everytime she tells me I can do something, I can…I need to start telling myself.” I feel that way of Deeds. So…while I do still want to do my 5 and 10ks, lets give a little credit where credit is due. Jess you haven’t been slacking or sitting still…but its time to pick up the pace, that’s all.