I cried in class tonight. It was a miracle that no one noticed, or perhaps they did and were too polite to openly acknowledge it–if this was the case I appreciate it. First…the following notes:
When you look at a person look at one thing you want; just one. See their true nature then there is no failure. [Meaning…when looking for the one thing, that thing should be a thing of their true nature, their essence. If you seek the essence of that person then they cannot disappoint you as everything else is circumstantial and forgivable.] When you don’t know what your one thing is, you will attract the wrong people. In these instances you become the martyr of the relationship. [ Sacrificing yourself for the greater whole of the unit, because you are unaware of your own essence. When you do not know what you have to offer you have misplaced appraisal of self. Relationships are not like buying a car; it is not the best you can get with what you have. ] When people optimize, they want everything. We are blinded by the perimeters we establish. [ For example, if you want a mate that is tall, handsome, rich, and funny and seek those things then we are blinded to the other things that person is (and their essence) because the perimeters we set are superficial and dynamic.] When you want one thing that is the way it is, that person is that thing at their core.
I thought about my boyfriend. I met him two years ago right around now, I remember because we bonded over North Carolina basketball and they are playing Duke tonight. I met him in February and just a few months prior…in June my father was permanently out of my life, in early August my so-called best friend put me out in the middle of the night, and at the end of August the man I thought would be my life mate told me he found someone else. I was very “over” men. I remember crying one night and just praying to God, “I don’t need to be taken care of, just send me someone for me–to support me. Who wants the best for me and who encourages me.” I prayed this with my whole body I would now call that making the prayer vibrate. February, I got that.
Taking it one step further, I thought what it means of my own one thing. I quickly came to February 17th, 2003. Somewhat of a birthday for me. It was not the day I was born, however, it was the day I lived. I knew after surviving that accident, living, walking, virtually unscathed that I am exceptional. I am a special person. I have a purpose and I know what that purpose is, because if ever I doubted or questioned it before, after 2/17/03 I never will again. But, I often get so overwhelmed…I get overwhelmed and I forget to breathe. I forget to look around. Deeds once told me that if you take the picture you miss the moment…I used to be a picture taker. His supporting me has helped me to not be so overwhelmed that I miss it. In stepping back and breathing, relaxing, slowing down, I have been able to fulfill more of my purpose. Its inexplicable…the pair of us. He is a truth my heart acknowledges, he resonates with me.
After class I called Ken…I called her and I told her I cried in class and then I told her why…and cried more. I thought about the manifestation of our outer selves. I’ve long since said that if the people in my life are any reflection of the person that I am then I am a good person. For the majority of my friends, I met them at a time in my life that I would describe extremely tumultuous. I told Ken that she is one the best people I know, that she has so much love and loves people so immeasurably well that she has to be with someone that won’t deplete her. I didn’t tell her the one thing to look for, that she has to define herself. I just told her what I knew to be true. Too many times I’ve seen good girls become the martyr and die in a relationship. I have a friend who currently is dying in a relationship. After we cried, Ken said why did you tell me that then (when she was IN a relationship and being the martyr)?! I told her I couldn’t have, no one could have. And its true.
What is the difference between change and transformation? To me, to transform is to become something you always were, something you always had inside you to become. To change is to be different because of something outside of you impacting the inside of you. My Ken, my boyfriend, my loved ones have changed me. They have put handprints on my heart and I have been impacted greatly because of them. Because of them I have felt free to transform. Gary Landreth said, “This is true of children, and really everybody, they change when they feel the freedom not to have to.” I believe he was speaking of transformative change; transforming. Becoming.