Yall know every other day I’m telling you how something rang true with me or resonated…today was no different. I was on my plane about to head back to Atlanta when my friend MP said something to the effect of the gym classes always happen when we’re working or during the times when we would be more likely to go. I thought about the ill timing of things…life’s ironies you know? When you bust your butt trying to make something happen just so and then everything works out in no effort necessary. Or thinking of the gym again, sometimes (aka everyday) I want to sleep in for one reason or another the only thing that gets me up is the thought that, this is for me. There’s no pressure. If I don’t get up then its on me and if I do then I get the praise…there is no one else in this equation.
I was reading Women Food and God and in it I read: “You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won’t discover this until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall of shaming and caging and fearing yourself. (p. 84)” If I don’t go to the gym because I’m tired, I am not going to punish myself mentally all day over it because what does that lead to? Giving up for the day and “starting new tomorrow” well no…no more tomorrows. As much as it is acceptance its about forgiveness too…forgiving yourself for your present state. The berating and the punishment…its not good. Yes, all that came from MP’s comment about the gym. Its true that the times when I can go require a large sacrifice but the benefit is greater than the cost. If I don’t remember that every single day, its okay. Therein lies the difference between then and now. I have to start allowing myself to make mistakes. To fall short. To miss the mark. I am not a perfect person. Now to work on telling myself that I don’t have to be.
When I look at my favorite things in nature…oceans and beaches I think how dynamic yet unchanging they are. There is always a state of rebirth, growing, evolving, adjusting, ebb, flow, tide, etc. However, an ocean is an ocean. It is all it will ever be, but in that is so much. Cue my bells and whistles…I am an ocean of me. The ocean does not apologize for being vast or being wet. It is, and we accept it. I know thats not exactly what MP said…but that’s what I heard. Guess I listen a little differently.