All day I’ve had this feeling of..sadness. I was not sad, I had a good day and absolutely nothing was wrong–but in my body there was sadness. That is to say this sadness wasn’t mine. So I went home early from work and was laying around here doing random things and decided in a fit of randomness to update my blackberry. I deleted old apps and upgraded others, which included my BBM feature. Now when I restarted and opened BBM I had 50+ contacts which means that a lot of my old contacts were readded, including E.
Hellos were exchanged as its been quite some time since we’ve spoken, and he mentioned that things were kind of up in the air for him right now. He hinted at life sucking and just a few other dark cloud-esque things but didn’t go into any kind of detail when my body just went haywire. Here was the source of my melancholy. Imagine a ball…a floating bouncing ball of light, blue light, he’s a blue, and imagine it about the size of a soft ball right there in your stomach. It’s weightless but you feel it there and you feel it moving in complete dissonance with the harmony of your own body. Its foreign. As he brought up his woes in abstract that ball started to emit light and spin in every direction…it got active. I could feel it move up to my throat but it wouldn’t come out…he wanted to talk about it but he couldn’t or wouldn’t. Maybe not with me. Maybe that’s inappropriate now that we are now he and I. Whatever the case its moved back down to the core of me and has slowed down in activity. If its not moving then I can’t find it so easily, but I do know what to do with it to keep it apart from me. Not outside of me, just apart.
It dawned on me that I felt him pretty strongly, and that maybe once people are in your heart they don’t ever really leave. Deeds and I have had talks about our past relationships and its silly to believe that he or I just didn’t exist romantically before each other. I know what we have is different, but no more real than things in our past. There’s way too much history with E and I to even begin to try and pack him up and put him out of my mind/body/life. Traces of him are everywhere. I realized tonight that I have no claim to those traces though. I couldn’t make him tell me his truth. He didn’t owe me anything, like my friends don’t owe me anything–but different. I’m not entitled to the intimate parts of anyone else except Deeds (and thank God, intimacy is far too delicate, important, and special to share without discretion).
Still…I wish I could tell him I feel it anyway. Just tell me.