“You’re only going to achieve what you can buy into here [points to head]”. I sat down to write this post and Jillian Michaels just uttered these words. How magnificent. I came to write about negative self talk. I noticed how often I felt defeated here (in my head) before I even went to execute any kind of action. I was completely turned off by it too. Here’s something funny though, in the past this would have been part of a cyclical behavior that lead me to some type of unhealthy behavior. I get to be proud of how far I’ve come in that respect. I didn’t slip backwards. I just haven’t been moving forward fast enough.
Deeds told me today “you need nothing.” He must have sensed me going through my list of things I needed to do:
- clean up
- work out
- work out
- work out
I told him, and myself, that my spring break was for resting and he has been holding me to it. I decided yet again to make a small life revision. This morning Deeds said, “I love you because I love you.” I feel like such a mess 90% of the time. I have to quit telling myself all this bullshit. This has been the hardest battle yet. This battle of not forgiving myself, this battle of true acceptance, this battle of empowerment, this battle of love. Unconditional love. The thing that kept coming to mind this morning as I was questioning whether I deserve my life and all the love I receive was “lean not unto your own understanding.” My faith was low. This quote is my absolute everything…it is like breath, it re-centers me, it refocuses me, it lets me exhale and believe again.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
So I say to those negative voices, the ones that dwell deep inside me that hover at the Jess who is longing to feel worthy of goodness, “shut the fuck up.” And I mean it with all the love in my heart.