My professor says that when we are certain of something we need to introduce uncertainty to maintain balance. Similarly, when we are uncertain to introduce certainty. How does this practically work?
Well, remember when I first found out about USD? Its all I wanted and I filled out my application with all my hopes and dreams fixated on what I thought I knew was best. Then, Dr. Kim talked to me about foothold. He actually told me that moving to California would be a mistake because I would be undervalued. He noted that my connections here in Georgia were worth more but that as with all things I must follow my heart. Hello uncertainty. This all made so much sense and had been on my mind for about 3 weeks when he verbalized it. So the pendulum swings…and I begin job searching and calling contacts here in Georgia. Then I get the interview from USD. I’m terrified to get excited about it because I’m not even sure its for me anymore. Then one day it hits me. I want this because the program is amazing. It is everything I want in a Doctoral degree and I get such a good feeling from the administration. I knew then, that I had to prepare to make my mistake.
Tonight, however, it hit me that for so long I’ve lived in reaction. I told Deeds, “I never think I’m good enough. Not smart enough, successful enough, faithful enough, etc. This, for the most part keeps me hungry to improve, and other times will have me looking 2000ft up feeling defeated. Despite knowing better, I wait for disappointment and accept it on behalf of my deficiencies. I take a considerable amount of genuine support and reassurance.” I do what I think is necessary for a desired outcome. Learned behavior. I try to be what I think is perfect so that people don’t leave me. That–is a hard thing to admit.
This week it smacked me in the face that my dad is not interested in having a relationship with me. It hasn’t mattered how responsible, irresponsible, skinny, fat, quiet, or outspoken I am–he does not. There is, essentially, nothing I can do to change that. For those of you who can’t understand that pain I hope you never will. Continuing on, so because of my want for his…attention, approval, and love I have been in reaction. As a result, I’m largely uncertain about what is natural for me. I push and push and push myself to fit into boxes I don’t belong in. I’m so tired. God I’m exhausted. In the uncertainty of who I am, I must introduce certainty. I know for sure who I’m not:
I am not an athlete.
I am not even remotely intellectually mediocre.
I am not good with money.
I am not a chef.
I am not extravagant.
I am not a prodigy.
I am not onyx.
I am not an elitist.
I am not interested in belonging.
I’m messy, and neurotic, quiet and thoughtful. Loyal and possessive, and a humble servant of love. I am dedicated to passion and the interests of my heart. I am delicate but have strong roots and plenty of tenacity and fortitude.
I feel unburdened by truth. I will no longer be afraid to want the things that I want. Nor will I be afraid to reject the things I do not.
A part of me will always want him to approve, accept, and love me. But me. Me. Not the girl I think he might like best. Me. Knock-kneed, thick thighs, bright smile, almond eyed, nappy haired me.