I would die for you. But I won’t live for you.
~Stephen Chbosky “Perks of being a Wallflower”
The people in my life genuinely love me and have wonderful intentions, for the most part. There are, of course, a few who I choose to believe are too tangled in their stuff to clearly help or support me through mine. I love them all the same. I’ve turned down the volume in my life over these past few weeks, really tried to listen to what I want and what my heart was saying to me rather than what the outside noise was saying. That’s tough in and of itself–but necessary. What I’ve found is that, I’m doing the right thing. I sincerely believe I am where I am supposed to be, and that I’m supposed to be headed exactly where it is I’m going. I’ve been letting go of the details and grown to be more patient, life always works out the way its supposed to so instead of counting down the seconds, I’ve been enjoying the journey and its been far more blissful.
A few weeks ago one of my best friends told me that perhaps I was too much of an idealist. I sat with that for a while, because I deeply value her opinion. And I agree with her. I am an idealist. I have flights of fancy, and grand visions of the potential of things. I do not, however, see that as a negative thing or even something to be cautious about. What is the alternative? To be realistic. This so-called realism is just a box that I refuse to be in. No two people can agree on all the characteristics of “realistic” so I take that to mean it is subjective, and in my reality anything is possible, Love is the answer, and the heart holds the key to our joy. I choose not to think of plan B’s because it gives me an “out” for failure. If plan A doesn’t work out then I’ll come up with a new plan A. I believe things wholly, and guess sometimes even narrowly and doggishly. I am who I am.
I love to see people do what they thought was impossible. I like to push people. I like to see others discover their own strength. Perhaps that’s why I’m a counselor. Sometimes I see the light go out in people. I see the dreamer in them fade, and I see the darkness of doubt pumping through their bodies and it makes me sad. I wonder what this world would be like if people just said fuck logic and allowed themselves to burn with passion. To embrace their infinite potential and not settle for society’s Rx for happiness (i.e. material bullshit, fame, and mediocrity). That’s the world I live in. Those are my people. We walk around with burning hearts and and we set fire to rain.
So yes, I am an idealist. I am a dreamer. I believe in the impossible. I bet on the improbable. I know that everyone has a story, and no one’s is better or worse than the other, only different. I understand that we all struggle, but that we all have it in us to be great despite our struggle. I see the interconnectedness of everything; physics is economics is philosophy. I’m much more than you know of me, more than I even care to put into words and if you don’t believe me that’s ok. I know, and really I’m the only person who needs to. Me and my heart…that’s truth. Everything else, EVERYTHING else, is just noise.