Choosy Lover

Once upon a time I thought I was going to marry my best friend (BFFRKB). Literally. He and I had been together since day 1 of band camp *pushes up nerd glasses* and through OH so many ups and downs. I knew (know) for a fact that if I needed anything ever in life he would make it happen for me. Our *marriage* was one of convienence contrived by our parents who said hmm smart black kid+smart black kid=smart black grandkids! Then…
I met this guy…who was absolutely gorgeous (E). I tried to play it all cool and stuff like I wasn’t interested (who knew that ish worked!). We became friends, and clicked from our very first phone conversation–which lasted about 4 hours. Over the course of oh…5-7 years I thought that somehow we’d end up together on the same page emotionally, and work something out but that never happened. I put a steak in us the day he told me he told me he found “the one” and my heart broke in a million little pieces. August 26, 2008—yeah I remember it well. Then…
I met Mr. Melodies who was a pretty cool guy, and did all the romantic things that girls like and I was uncomfortable with (like singing to me or writing poetry). It was short lived because in the midst of our wind-down I met Deeds.
And I guess its supposed to be happily ever after after that, right?

Nama and I were discussing soul mates one day and we decided that you can have many, and that they do not have to be romantic in nature. I, for example, strongly believe Nama to be my (one of many) soul mates. If you were around us for about an hour, trust me you would agree. Now, I’m not sure that any guy I’ve dated has been a soul mate of mine, even Deeds. Its different. A different kind of connection that is inexplicable. With E, no one else in the world has humor like ours. We still talk but rarely, and we never dated officially so I’ve made it okay in my head. Obviously Deeds knows about it because I’m writing this…but so often I go back and forth in my head about what is acceptbale and what is “not cool” now that I have a boyfriend. Can I go eat with BFFRKB and he pay? Can I call up E and talk for 2 hours? Is that inappropriate? My yard stick is “whatever I feel I’d have to keep secret is probably NOT okay.”

I’m not sure how ever random something I’ve ever known is on the radar of E, and when I make a witty allusion he’s aware. Much in the same way that when I mention a “new” song I heard Deeds already has 17 songs by that artist on his hard drive. I think I’ve gotten something from each of my guys and call me selfish if I’m not willing to give it all up. I’ve 100% chosen Deeds as mine, and no one else gets from me what he does. That will simply have to be enough, because it is. More that enough.

Prequel: This blog stemmed from a conversation that BFFJ and I had about “can men and women be friends?” She said, in a nutshell, no. I disagreed. BFFT and I have absolutely 0% romantic interest in one another and have a beautiful friendship. One that I wouldn’t severe just because I have a boyfriend now. I do realize that things change, but they do with any friendship where one person enters a union of sorts.

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