I was in a funk all day. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to stay in my bed or if I was actually going to get out and face the world. I chose the latter of course. I had a ton of work and so I had to keep it together and not break down. I called My Person and she said to me, “But Jess…he’s there.” *BING*. Now…My Person knows everything that happened with…well everything and she was right. I’m pushing him away because I got disappointed. Truth be known that’s what I do. I push. I usually don’t have to push too hard because they leave, but he didn’t. He was even trying to. Stubborn and fixed; he truly is earth.
I spent the day with my friend, classmate, and fellow Graduate lets call her LB because she’s a little Beyonce (literally she sings and dances all the time. She’s singing right now next to me.) So LB and I have been together all day and I’ve been mulling over things. She’s a counselor as well so she had no advice for other than to take care of myself and to do what was best for me. I did.
I told Deeds that I loved him and that I was in it with him.
In the end its true, I do value freedom more than anything, but I do feel free with him. I think sometimes I feel the burden of my past creeping up into my present and even someone who knows better can fall prey to doubt and over-analyzing. At the end of the day though (literally) he brings joy to my life and the things I need most he gives me. Everything else…every disappoint I felt came from an expectation I set. In other words, it was my shit. I’m woman enough to admit when I was wrong, and I was. I think the voice I heard telling me to let go was my own begging me to let go of the past ghosts. Let go of the fear and the wondering and the doubt.
And so it is.