…and purge

I remember the day I got told I had an eating disorder. I was completely taken aback and opened my mouth to retort but before I could further explanation came, “You’re a binge eater, non purging type. In the DSM it would be ‘eating disorder NOS.” That’s not otherwise specified.  Well…I didn’t even agree with that.  I’m still not sure that I do.  I mean at some point I think I was. At some point I ate because.  No further explanation, just because.  I was reading Peace Love Pretty Things and came across the following words in a guest post:

Scenario 3: Have your momma die when she was the only one on the whole planet to love you right. Taste every food on Earth to see if any are sweet as her. When you discover none are, never eat anything again (source).

I was a scrawny kid. Until I was five years old when my dad left. My dad left and I used to call him all the time and I missed him terribly because prior to that he was around a lot.  Then somewhere around age 7 or 8 he got remarried and its been uphill weight wise ever since then.  I think that my peak weights have come in times of separation now that I think about it.  When I first went off to college but before I made any significant friends.  Then again when I had to move back home and was going through depression.  I’m not sure what exactly I was looking for with food. Maybe I wasn’t looking for anything, maybe just the fact that it was there.  Maybe I never wanted to be hungry for food the way I was hungry for my missing people. Maybe.

Now I can sit at home and still only eat the regular 3 meals a day.  I didn’t used to be able to do that. I don’t feel the way that I look. I’m not sure how to reconcile it either.  How you train a body to match your spirit.  I told Deeds I’m going to go run tomorrow.  I can’t just do nothing, they have to match, I  have to match.  I’d gotten down to a whatever weight/size because I had a goal to fit (comfortably) into my graduation gown and it looked AMAZING.  So now a new goal…baby steps to small victories.

And to treat the disorder…

How to get rid of an eating disorder

Single Scenario: Remember, or if you never knew it, learn quickly, with the same fervor you destroyed yourself that you are one precious, precious something. Worth far more than a silly biscuit. Than anything that dissolves with a touch of tongue, a bit of teeth (source).

and I won’t be afraid to write about it.  This is my space. MY safe space where I can explore  to whatever extent I please every dream and every fear.  These are not excuses, they are just my truths.  I’m working on me. Slowly, but surely.

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