I have this friend, a late in life friend as Carms would call it, but really its never too late for good people. Well anyway said friend Courtney came to me just in the last year. She’s engaged to a friend of mine from undergrad, but I didn’t really know her then I only knew of her. In any case within the last few months we’ve opened up to each other and shared a lot. The same can be said of Carms/Dr.T and I. The pair of them have been my angels over the past week.
A while ago I sent Deeds a list…it was a list of my biggest flaws and one of them reads:
3. I never think I’m good enough. Not smart enough, successful enough, faithful enough, etc. This, for the most part keeps me hungry to improve, and other times will have me looking 2000ft up feeling defeated. Despite knowing better, I wait for disappointment and accept it on behalf of my deficiencies. I take a considerable amount of genuine support and reassurance. I know this, and wish I could give it to myself. I can’t, you’ll have to help.
4. I live according to impossible standards, and don’t easily forgive myself. As my partner in life you’ll see this more. As things in my mind are always urgent, and required. I must be a good friend, exceptional student, loving girlfriend, appreciative daughter…and I cannot fail at any of it, despite my deficiencies( read: #3). If I do, the self punishment is disgustingly brutal…
I had kept the list in my phone to remind me to work on them and for the most part I do, but these two seem to be so incredibly difficult. #3 especially–but something that both the Angels told me this week was that just as I am Deeds loves me and is there for me. They know the intimate details of the course of events and were supportive and listened but also very clear in pointing out all the ways Deeds loves me. Carms and Deeds are a lot alike, they both emotional beings that have to express themselves thoroughly. Talking to her I got to better understand what Deeds must be feeling. Courtney empathized with me because she shared a similar story. She had been through what I was going through and just encouraged me by saying that it was okay to cry, to be confused, to question, to talk, and to know. In so many ways that permission just made me feel at peace.
Last night Courtney said something beautiful, she reminded me to do things for myself. “When you do things for other people,” she said, “then how you feel about it is based on their reaction…when you do things for yourself things just go so much better and mean so much more.” She was so right. SO RIGHT! The things I need to work on have to be for me, not for Deeds or anyone else. Deeds has never wanted anything but for me to be my best anyway. What I misunderstood was that I had to do it alone. Carms reminded me that in a relationship it is a partnership, yes, but your partner only wants the best for you. You don’t have to push your partner away so that you can better yourself, because they are your biggest support system, they are your most enthusiastic cheerleader, they love you unconditionally, and most important they can help.
I feel strongly that I could not have gotten through this without the pair of them; Courtney and Carms. My other friends helped as well, but these two really resonated in me the things I needed to hear. I know that God was using them to speak to me. I gotta keep them around.