D. It was written (in the cards?)

It has been a whirlwind lately.  Trying to get ready to move (less than a week now!!!) and tie up loose ends here, dealing with my body going haywire because I was being hardheaded, and not wanting to listen–you know the usual?  Today I went to go visit Nama.  This was actually my first time visiting her place, and its perfectly peaceful and like a candy shop! I saw so many books I wanted to read, or pictures I got lost in, statues I wanted to know more about…I tell you I’m so fascinated by her.  Anyway, before I left she asked “have you ever pulled cards?” She was talking about tarot cards and she had the TAO Oracle set. She explained to me that you ask a question a question that is not yes or no because life just isn’t that simple.  You ask a question and then you pull the card, you let the energy around the question guide you to the card you want to choose.  My first question was

The Joyous

“What is my purpose in going to San Diego”  I mulled over the set for about a minute and then I chose the card that seemed to be glowing *smile*  The first card I chose was “The Joyous” and so I got the book and read a short synopsis on it:

Joy is powerful; it transforms the ordinary into the extraordinary. It also heightens the feeling of being alive, and the more you share it, the more it enriches your surroundings. It is in the music of laughter, and in the pleasure of touching and being touched by the beauty and sweetness of life… (source)

I was overjoyed. The first sentence of the explanation said not to contain my overwhelming emotion. It was ironic because I’d just told Nama that I was so full of emotion that it was coming out of my eyes.  Everyone, including Nama, has just told me to allow myself to cry or laugh or be overwhelmed in whatever wonderful way that life overwhelms me.

The Receptive

The next card I pulled had to do with relationships.  I asked what the energy was surrounding Deeds and I.  I pulled “The Receptive”:

Lao Tzu referred to the Tao as the Divine Mother that in her absolute emptiness is eternally birthing all things and the cosmos itself. The essence of emptiness is present within each of us,and like a blank slate receives whatever we write upon it. The dark vast qualities of yin are indeed great, and to appreciate its support is to be humbled in gratitude… (source

The Receptive is yielding and passive. When in harmony with the Creative, it functions as a womb in which an infinite variety of creations can manifest. Receptivity depends upon the dynamic spark of creative inspiration in order to be activated into productivity.

Receptivity requires a fine balance. It is patient, open and nurturing while also intensely devoted and strong enough to withstand the most difficult of times. Its strength is in its depth and its capacity to absorb and support action. In this case, waiting doesn’t mean weakness or uncertainty. If you push now, no matter how resolute you may feel, you are steering away from your goal and moving toward confusion and difficulty. More than likely, many others will be dragged along with you.

This is not the time to act impulsively. Rather, take space and consider the far-reaching effects of any action. Making power plays now would be untimely. Once you put the full weight of your support behind anyone or anything, they will be strengthened by it (source)

One interesting thing that it said was that waiting was not weakness, and stressed the need to nurture.  There was a big stress on mothering, being patient, and listening to one’s intuition, support , and being obedient.  Sometimes I find that I ignore myself in an effort to help Deeds or help us.  Really though, the best thing I could ever do for “us” is to take care of myself. Same for him. I think its likely that both of us worked too hard on our relationship other than simply enjoying it or letting things be.  I don’t have to figure it all out now. Well…

"Modesty"

The last question I asked the cards lead me to this card:

We live in a world that reveres extra-ordinariness. Sooner or later nearly everyone fantasizes about being admired for their brilliance,and the guarantee of happiness from gaining fame, fortune, and adoration because of it. Rarely do we come across anyone who is content to be simply ordinary. Craving anything new, exciting, or glamorous, we imagine how our lives could be different; worrying about how the world sees us or wondering whether the grass might be greener in the other fellow’s garden keeps us discontentedand preoccupied to the point of distraction…(source)

This card stressed simplicity.  Finding joy in moderation, lack of pretense, and keeping things uncomplicated.  This made me soar. I absolutely crave simplicity and province and just to be happy without all the shit that life deals us.  I understand what some things must look like from the outside but I’m not concerned with that.  That made me happy.

After I left I kept thinking about how much more the cards revealed about my given situations going on in my life.  I told Nama that I’m coming back tomorrow because I want to ask maybe two more questions.  I didn’t realize how much I’ve changed and how much has not.  I feel so liberated. I woke up for the first time in a long time and was hungry.  I haven’t had a hunger in a while, and when I ate I didn’t get sick.  I finally got rid of all the secrets I was holding inside.  I finally told the truth and even though I didn’t necessarily like consequences, I accept them because they are what is and that is what I have to do.  Constantly stay present and accept the truths I cannot change.

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