The many faces of indecision



I’ve heard variations of this sentiment before, but tonight, five minutes ago while browsing my twitter timeline, I heard that.  Let me rewind a little bit. This morning I was talking to Deeds, as I do every morning (yes even post-break…but I’ll get to that) and he was telling me about love and play-doh.  Now, I’m not entirely sure how we ended up on the topic, but the point of the conversation was that love is what it is.  You cannot disguise it, you cannot make it something it is not, you can break it into pieces but it is as it always shall be, play-doh.  He went on to say that while he was indeed holding back on his affection for me due to our break, he was certain that we would end up together so he was patient.  Then…he apologized.  For becoming too complacent in our relationship.  I’m not sure why but I just cried the whole time.  Mostly because I felt the same way.  We broke up because I asked for it.  I was not as sure as I had been and didn’t feel it was fair to continue in a relationship without being committed to it, that is asking for disaster.  So we split.  In that time, and really it was only a week but it feels like so much time as gone by…maybe because the feelings I had far extended the life of the break…but anyway in that time apart I had to ask myself everyday ‘why him’ and ‘why not him’.  I guess I shouldn’t say I had to, but I did.

What I came up with was the same reason that we got together initially; he loves me.  He loves Me.  You just don’t give that up.  He knows me.  He knows I’m stubborn, unforgiving, harsh, sappy, emotional, girly, idealistic, provincial, and just a little bit other-worldly.  He appreciates it all. Every part of me.  And, he stayed.  To a girl who spent a lifetime wondering what was wrong with her and why are people so willing to leave and/or be without her, that is everything.  He loves me, and he stays. So today, I chose him.  I love him, he is mine and I am his.

Don’t get me wrong, I love him in exactly the same manner.  There are things that infuriate me, sure, but the core of him is what I’m sold on, everything else is negotiable.  I look at the other men in my life, whether past mates, potential alternatives, or platonic friends and by and large they are really good men.  None of them, and I say this unwaiveringly, have taken an interest in me in this way.  It is an odd thing when someone truly wants to get to know you.  It’s like  being stared at intently, but…emotionally. Or even spiritually.  And then the first time they see you (really see you) all you want to do is run and hide, but you can’t because you’re exposed.  I wonder if it’ll ever get more comfortable.  I wonder if one day I won’t mind being seen.  I can’t decide how okay I am with it currently, but I think  I’m closer to the “flaunt it” side than I am to the “hiding behind curtains” side.

Being a grown up…so much of it is just learning how to be a kid again.  When you were a kid you didn’t care if your crush saw you dirty, or if your friends thought he was weird.  You liked him and even if it only lasted for two weeks, you were head over heels and shared all your favorite stickers, ate lunch together, and even let him kiss you at the bus stop.  It shouldn’t be so hard. And really it isn’t.  So I guess my ultimate decision is to stop making it seem that way.

3 thoughts on “The many faces of indecision

  1. So…..this just brought a tear to my eye. Well, two tears, one in each eye.
    I don’t think I’ve ever had a man look at me that way but I believe it can happen because of the way you described it.
    I hope you two get back together.

  2. It’s uncanny how you captured my every thought into this post. I cried. I literally cried after reading. I wish you two nothing but the best, Jess.

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