I can feel people. We’ve covered that much right? If not…revisit the topic. For now, moving on. I can feel people. It is certainly not voluntary, though I have learned to control how much I can feel. I won’t go into all that because it won’t matter for the purpose of the story I’m telling. Lets rewind a few weeks; Little Beyonce asked me once what P2AD felt like. She actually asked me what color he was, and I told her that I wasn’t sure because I’d never really noticed–that in and of itself is pretty weird considering we’ve been friends for over a decade. I told myself the next time we hung out I’d try to notice.
At my going away dinner I remembered my vow to myself but still wasn’t getting much at all. Think of it as like a radio, and even though I’m on the right station and my antenna is up and tilted in the right direction, all I’m getting is silence. Peculiar. I abandoned the effort for the evening. The following morning he was leaving to head back home so I of course had to say goodbye. It felt weird and preceding it all I could think about was how it was to say goodbye to him when he left for college. I cried for days and days on end. I didn’t want it to be like that. I was on my way to get my oil changed and such and so we hugged and said the usual parting sentiments “Of course we’ll see each other again, this is just temporary etc etc” but in hugging him I saw him for the first time! I’m not sure why, I don’t really ask that question much when it comes to these sorts of things. But I saw all the apprehension, all the anxiety, all the holding back, almost like discomfort…but more like…when you won’t allow yourself to enjoy something good as opposed to wanting to enjoy something bad and restraining. It literally felt like my arms were wrapped around him and he was tucked into a ball. Then of course, I started to cry.
Once I felt a tear fall, I let go and ran! Lol…I didn’t want to but I did. It was right to. I didn’t realize that’s how it felt. And of course, I can’t say with any absolute certainty that that’s how he felt, but that’s what I saw. And it made me incredibly sad to know that he holds himself back from me.
All that to say, I woke up this morning with a feeling. I actually had the feeling since yesterday that something was wrong. Yes, I know that these feelings happen a lot for me but I am never wrong about them either.
Sidebar: I tried to explain the accuracy of my “sight” to Lil Beyonce and she still always used to say she was fine even when she wasn’t which only served to annoy me because we both knew better. On one of my last days there I touched her (always a fast way to get to See someone) and I said a few emotions, that of course she denied. Later on that day, she admitted I was right.
I’ve learned to accept people “lying” and I use “”s because I don’t see it as such, most the time we don’t even want to admit the stuff to ourselves let alone to someone else. That requires saying it out loud, making it real, and acknowledging it. Once you acknowledge you can’t ignore so its better to just “lie”. Doesn’t mean I don’t See the truth though. I haven’t quite learned what to do with it yet. My current course of action is to be patient and leave the door open.
I knew immediately this feeling was about P2AD. I made some guesses as to what it could be, but they were all pretty self-centered (on my part) and lets be honest, life is much more than Jessica J, surprise to me. I asked if he was okay and he said he was fine. That word is the universal signal to intuitive people everywhere that something is wrong. Men know it because women say it, and women know it because women say it LOL. I told him I didn’t believe him and left it at that. I’m not sure what to say about it. I don’t know what the feeling is about and honestly…I’m a little afraid to know.
When you touch someone, well when I touch someone, if its long enough, I get a whole lot from them. When I touched Lil Bey, it was just on her arm, but I remember telling her it was completely overwhelming and asked her if she was overwhelmed about anything, to which she responded “Yes…weirdo stop touching me!” When I touched P2AD and I felt that knot…I dunno…I guess I just know what it feels like a little to well. So I can’t say I’m afraid to know, I’m fearful of the consequences of admitting certain truths. Yes I know that goes against everything I stand for, but volunteering to be broken is not something I can do.
I guess I just wish the only color I got from him wasn’t black, and not even like the color black but just the absence of color…there’s a difference. I went through this same thing with E…wanting him to open up to me, but I guess no one owes me that. Maybe all that I’m feeling or all that I felt isn’t even right. Maybe I’m projecting, or maybe I’m imagining things. I don’t believe that though. Not even a little bit.