I am so much more than I always thought I was. That was the conclusion that I came to after what feels like an eternity of seemingly constant self appraisal. I had this idea of the person I was supposed to be, the daughter, the sister, the friend, the girlfriend…everything had a definitive outline. Until very recently, try 2 minutes ago. I was browsing my tumblr dashboard and I saw that someone had posted a series of Eckhart Tolle quotes. For a short while about two years ago I was obsessed with him. So I started thinking of some of my old favorites, one google search later and I read the following:
“Living up to an image that you have of yourself or that other people have of you is inauthentic living.”
~Eckhart Tolle ~
Well…that was a little earthquake that went off inside me. I have seriously been missing it. I mean sure, Nama told me, Deeds told me, but I guess I wasn’t ready to receive the message. I was telling The Good Doctor how I’d prayed for clarity and knew what I had to do after I was told, but I was so unwilling to accept that truth that I fought it tooth and nail and was literally playing in muddy water. Nothing made sense. I was physically exhausted from my mental marathon, and my energy was being expended by constant ruminations. I felt like lead. I was refusing to let go of what I thought I should be, and who I thought I should be, then on top of that I was harboring guilt over being the person that I am.
True honesty is not insight or opinions or personal thoughts about a given situation/person/place or thing. True honesty is the opposite of insight, the opposite of analysis or description, true honesty is about being and accepting. Grieve the loss of who you thought you should be and celebrate the life of who you are. That’s what I want to do.
The path that I’m on has left me very certain that for now I need to be on my own. I’ve struggled with accepting that (again…I should be a we) especially given the connection between the pair of us which is undeniably the purest form of love. I fear that he loves me and sees me in ways that I don’t love and see myself quite yet. Make no mistake I’m still a work in progress.
My thoughts of myself have always been true WMDs–weapons of me destruction but I’ve been working on unconditionally and irrevocably loving myself . I’m not sure who but someone lovely once said that true love involves daily forgiveness. I see that now with myself. I have to start forgiving myself for not being “her” and begin accepting her. I want to always be able to go to bed with the knowing that, “today I did my best.” Today I was my best. Today I was. That is a prayer and a thank you to the universe.
Free from desire, you realize the mystery.
Caught in desire, you see only the manifestations.
~Tao Te Ching (Lao Tzu) ~
No more want. I openly welcome unknowing.