Hurry up and teach me

I’m beyond frustrated right now, as I always am when I can’t do things for myself. I absolutely can.not.stand.it.  Not to mention I’ve been in the worst social mood this week.  I haven’t really had any desire to talk to people, not really talk to them, and when I do I feel rushed to wrap the conversations up before they get anywhere substantial.  I always feel like I’m waiting for something.  Something else.  I guess that may be a “non acceptance of my present moment” but right now, fuck this present moment.  That’s how I feel.  *deep sigh* my phone just alerted me of a BBM and I winced.  I gotta get over this.

Currently my status is: sitting at home with a paper paycheck and no way to get to the bank.  Now…I could walk which was my initial plan (and looks like it will be the plan for Monday) the reason I didn’t today was because I thought I had an alternate plan.  Anywho, so walking it is.  What’s frustrating is that every little thing seems to be just…not impossible but…its kind of like getting a tattoo. That pain? Its so annoying and you just want it to stop but then you realize you asked for it.  That’s what I’m feeling like.

I have never been one to sit in the house and do nothing, finances have been limiting me here.  Now that I’m starting to get paid, the fact that I a) have no transportation but more importantly b) have no friends are playing major factors in my fun having.  I just want a brownie sundae and to watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s.  Okay…that’s not all I want. I don’t want that at all actually. To date at USD I’ve made some wonderful academic connections, and even a few out in the community but I haven’t met anyone and thought, oh we are going to be friends.  I’m not sure how adults do it.  Do you meet people at yoga class? On the train?  Do you have to befriend your coworkers? Its taxing to even contemplate.

I know the solutions to my frustrations will all come in time. It’s only been two weeks and I have another month and a half before I get Cammy back, and then how knows how long until I start making friends.  I am not good at waiting.  Being patient for things at home was very different than being patient for things here.  Its lonely.  And to quote my doppelganger, the loneliness is palpable.  I feel like Liz…he sleeps in my bed every night and wakes me up in the morning saddled beside me as I go on about my day.

 

Whatever lesson I’m supposed to be learning, I wish it were over. This lecture sucks and all I want to do is curse, scream kick, cry, throw a full out tantrum but I’m too old and I know it won’t do any good.  Just get me out of now–that’s my thought, over and over again.  Get me out of right now because right now is suffocating me with its nothingness.  Where I am is not the problem, this began before I even packed my bags. I’ve been begging for September since May.  Note to self: Change, we can do. transitions, we can not.  Best to hit the ground running–xoxo.

All HE asks for is faithfulness.  Let me refocus myself and give that to him.

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