Under (more) Construction

First off…I’ve been wanting to try something new with my hair lately.  I don’t have all my tools and product with me because well…that was a LOT of stuff, but I did have perm rods, ego gel, and shea moisturizer.  So, I thought, lets give flat twists a whirl!  Here’s how it went:

It’s more wavy than curly, which is cool, and its a lot more full than 1st day hair normally is for me, which I like. I didn’t have to fluff it out or anything. They weren’t exactly the best twists, especially in the back because I didn’t really have the hang of how to do it until the very end. I’m going to retwist it up tonight and see how that goes.  Overall, I’m a fan.

Moving forward, so after the Janet book, and just thinking about life in general I decided to strip a few things down.  Kind of like a life cleanse.  There was  a part in the book where Janet’s friend told her to stand in the mirror until she could name something she liked about herself.  She didn’t want to do it and when she did she just cried because she didn’t like anything.  I’m not there…but I’m not to the point where I look in the mirror and say with ease all the good things about me either.  I want to be, though.  Currently, I suppose, I’m somewhere in the middle.  I’m aware of the negative self-talk and I’m actively working on moving past it.

Recently, I was telling a friend of mine how I haven’t really made friends here in San Diego yet, her response to me was, “I know you’ll make friends and all because you’re the one and only beautiful, gorgeous, best personality ever Jess!!!”  It made me smile to the point of tearing up because those are things I would never normally associate with myself.  Its not all bad. I know that I am intelligent (and recently thought that perhaps I’m even more intelligent than I thought…before I’d put myself as fairly smart…but no–I’m a very smart woman), I do have a good personality–and I’m funny.  My wit is not something I’ve ever been doubtful about, people have a good time with me and I take pride in that.  I’m a good friend, loyal and honest.  I think saying to myself I’m beautiful is still a bit tough.  Well saying it and meaning it to the fullest extent of the word.  I don’t think myself unattractive…just somewhere in between.  Which brings me to my first challenge. NO MAKE UP!  I’ve allowed myself eyeliner and lip gloss, but that’s it.  And really for most people I guess that’d be enough, but for me that’s asking a lot.  I love make-up! I love shadows and blushes, lip sticks, and bronzers…I love it all. But I want to start to know I look just fine without it all, too.  In the pictures above I’m only working with $2 lip gloss, and eye liner.  Nothing more. I think it looks good though.

Deeds, and likely others, think that I’ve been focusing a lot (and maybe too much) on self, and change.  I know I’ve been writing about it more, but I don’t think I’ve been too focused on it.  If that makes sense.  The bulk of my life is still dedicated to my relationships with other people, I think I’ve just gotten more vocally contemplative.  But I guess everyone is entitled to their opinions.  I don’t want to change me.  I just want to feel better about the me that I am.  Slightly different.  And as always, we’ll see how it goes…

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