Staying HERE

I hate being future focused. I sincerely so.  I hate thinking “I can’t wait until…” or “I can’t wait for…” because I know the power there is in the present.  What do you do, though, when the present is just frustrating the heck out of you?  It bothers me when I have to scrape, beg, borrow to pay my bills and it is of some (great) consolation that I can look to the future knowing that these troubles are not going to last forever.  So what do I do?

Do I accept that I can’t pay my cell phone bill, rent, etc?  Do I say to myself “you don’t need that stuff, its nice to have but you don’t need it.”  Do I tell myself not to worry about the things I cannot help or control right now?  I suppose I do.  I suppose I have to.  Its difficult.  I like being able to take care of myself and I like being able to independently afford my life, and I feel like I’ve lost self-responsibility in some respects and maybe I’m struggling with accepting that.

I  was talking to a friend of mine and she said, “Do you remember when we were in college and we thought, ‘I can’t wait until I graduate from college so I can have money???’ we were idiots.” I laughed. I do remember thinking that. I remember thinking then that I couldn’t wait until “now” and now I’m looking forward to another time.

There are a lot of things I can control, and a lot of things that I cannot. So I’m going to stop fretting about the things I can not and concentrate on the things I can.  I know I spread myself super then for two years and I don’t want to do that again.  This whole doing better thing…its exhausting.

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