A Conversation

Over the course of my lifetime I have had many conversations with God.  I have never, until last night, had a conversation with the God that dwells within me.  Let me first say that I was very hesitant on writing this post. I have not told anyone about it until now and I’m sure for most people it may be a bit on the edge of outlandish…but really I’m unconcerned. This blog is written for me.  And so…

I was on tumblr and I saw a picture of this tattoo, ‘let your fears go’ and I wondered to myself what it was I feared.  I’d told myself after spending virtually all day on the couch watching Friday Night Lights that I would go running at 8pm.  I closed my computer and headed downstairs to the gym. Before I opened the door I heard the sound of the treadmill going, someone was in there. I retreated.  Then, I asked myself again…here’s the convo:

Inner Me: what are you afraid of?

Me: I don’t want anyone to see me.

**Thunder claps, bells and whistles go off inside my head**

Inner Me: Why don’t you want anyone to see you?

Me: I don’t know…

Inner Me: Don’t stop moving until you know.

So then I started running. From my apartment running towards main campus you gotta go uphill.  There’s no way around it, and its steep and its unyielding.  My legs were aching and my breath was short when I asked again:

Inner Me: What are you afraid of?

Me: Being Seen! I said that.

Inner Me: Why don’t you want to be seen?

Me: I don’t know!!

Inner Me: Don’t you dare stop. Keep going until you know.

Up the hill, past the basketball pavilion, around the bend to the main entrance, up the hill past the student life pavilion,  past the university center I can see the Immaculata.  She softly demands:

Inner Me: What are you afraid of?

Me: Being seen…I didn’t know it. I don’t know why.  Maybe that’s why I’m running. Because I hate–

Inner Me: No. Because you love.

Me: Because I love me then (unconvinced).  I deserve better I guess.

Inner Me: Why do you deserve better?

Me: (annoyed) I don’t fail! I never fail. I’ve never failed at anything except getting this weight off. I didn’t fail at calculus. I didn’t fail at biology. I didn’t fail at graduating or friendships or anything. I DON’T FAIL but I’m failing at this. I always do.

Inner Me: Why didn’t you fail at calculus?

Me: I got a tutor.

Inner Me: Why didn’t you fail at biology?

Me: I stayed after…got help from the teacher. Okay I’ve asked for help. I get it, but I’ve asked for help with this too. I’ve asked people what worked for them, how they did it. I have tried but nothing ever sticks…it always falls apart.

Inner Me: Haven’t you lost 60 lbs?

Me: Yeah…

Inner Me: How did you do it?

Me: I starting eating differently.

Inner Me: Who helped you?

Me: Um…I don’t know. No one I guess.

Inner Me: no one told you to eat less junk? More vegetables? More water? Less fast food? No one.

Me: No one. I just knew it had to change.

Inner Me: Why do you deserve better?

Me: Because.

Inner Me: *waits*

Me: I am a divine being.  And I’m divinely made.

Inner Me: Go on…

Me: This body isn’t mine…its like a shell or a storm cellar. I’ve retreated here because…because I don’t want to be seen.

Inner Me: Rest.

By this time I’d made it clear across campus.  When I got home later I mapped it out and its about 1.3 miles. I got there in just over 20 minutes.  It felt like moments. I sat on the balcony and looked out into the ocean. It was dark, but I could see the city and Sea World all lit up.  I put my legs up on the railing, and I closed my eyes and prayed.  Meditated really…and when I felt the time was right, I got up to head home.  I walked with a clear mind until I got back to another hill.

Inner Me: Why don’t you want to be seen?

Me: I don’t know…I think maybe I let it take the pressure off of me; my body.

Inner Me: Explain.

Me: Well, like I don’t have to worry about attention or anything if I am not eye-catching.  There’s a lot I’m supposed to do. A lot I’m sure to accomplish, maybe people won’t expect it out of me if they can’t really see me.

Inner Me: because then?

Me: Because then if I fail, they would have expected it.

Inner Me: Will you fail though?

Me: No.  I never fail.

No one does. We get exactly what we want.  I said I wanted to get healthy, lose weight, get in shape…but more than that I’ve been wanting to stay hidden.  So I was failing on one level, but on the deepest level I was getting exactly what I wanted.  Now, I want something different.  I deserve something different.  As I moved I kept repeating to myself “I am a divine being.  I am divinely made.”  I asked for breath and the wind blew.  I asked for strength and I felt the ground bend to my will.  I got a cramp at one point and I slowed, Inner me said “Acknowledge it. It hurts. Keep going.” So I did.  This voice…it is my voice but it is soft and stern.  There is no arguing with it.  My voice is much more fickle and unsure.  Inner me is always certain and direct.

When I got home my entire body was vibrating.  I was a sweaty mess and collapsed on the sofa noticing how I could see the vibrations moving through me.  I told myself Thank You.

Me: Did I just become a runner?

Inner Me. You just became yourself.

Me: Even better.

Inner Me: Infinitely better.

 

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3 thoughts on “A Conversation

  1. This is just… I love this so much. It’s so honest and brave. I have been here. I feel exactly this way. And I’ve never been able to answer the question: Why don’t you want to be seen?

  2. It’s amazing how someone you’ve never met can be such a role model. After reading this, I had to ask the same question and realized I don’t want to be seen because it’s easier. Why? That answer is twofold. First, my intelligence has always been evident and people already expect so much from me that being more conventionally attractive would just put me even more under the microscope. For whatever reason, being pretty somehow detracts from a person’s mental capability. *side-eye* Second, it’s safer. When you look a certain way, some men think it’s okay to touch you whenever and however they want. I’ve been harassed and even though it’s not on the same level as rape…violation of your body is violation, and it leaves a mark. To this day I feel anxious when I have to get too close to a man who isn’t a relative or my SO.

    1. You know…its funny you mention that. The 2nd part. When I would have friends or clients talk to me about rape or molestation, any kind of violation of the body I get a visceral reaction. Its strongly felt in my body. I almost can’t take hearing/seeing it even vicarious/peripherally. Nama once asked me if maybe I was violated my self in a past life. And I suppose its possible but I never thought about how those feelings may be affecting my current state of being. Wow.

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