Originally when I started this blog it was called The Sanctuary. That was the name of the club on Love Jones. That’s where they bared their souls. In that safe space. I liked the idea of it. Somewhere, though, along the line I changed it to Sincerely, Jess. It was after becoming not-so-mildly addicted to Solange’s sophomore CD and her song “Fuck the industry (signed sincerely)”. She borrowed the hook from Kanye who gets my vote for most artistic genius of our time. But it goes “everything I’m not makes me everything I am.” I set out to write, tonight, about the things that I am and the things that I am not. So that I could sort through some sordid truths about myself but the truth is, it doesn’t matter. I am what I am. And the stuff I am not I am not.
Back to Sol-Angel. She says
I’m not a goody-goody, so I don’t watch my mouth like I’m a goody-goody
But I appreciate the ones who rooting for me
‘Cause everybody gon’ gone, got an opinion, baby
And I been feeling lately like I can’t help it
Big up haters, if you don’t like it, I didn’t make it for you ooh, ooh (You ooh, ooh)
I’m not apologetic, if you don’t like it, it’s probably ’cause you don’t get it
And you can tell the world that you heard I said it
I’ve been a little worried about presenting a certain way. I guess maybe in my head a doctoral student looks a certain way. Not physically looks…but presents, and to some extent I don’t regret making very conscious choices about what I put out there. But I don’t ever want to feel I cannot be myself. Those who don’t get me, the real me, just don’t. And I can’t worry about them. Today I read something…”Listen to your being. It is continuously giving you hints; it is a still, small voice. It does not shout at you, that is true. And if you are a little silent you will start feeling your way. Be the person you are. Never try to be another, and you will become mature. Maturity is accepting the responsibility of being oneself, whatsoever the cost. Risking all to be oneself, that’s what maturity is all about.” Made me think of money, as something matures its worth increases. But really the value is what grows. Subtle difference. I will always be priceless, but as I mature my value as a priceless being will grow. Not that I’m worried, just funny…ironic that you have to know your worth before you can feel it. Then funny that the things that I am are simple things…priceless simple things.
Three things called to me:
1. I will return to the south to take up permanent residence. Eventually.
2. I can see things, increasingly more frequently) before they happen. This is kinda freaking me out. In a very easy calm way.
3. The Great Spirit is asking for my attention. I’m not even sure what that means yet. But I will.
Obedience is a struggle. But one thing I am and have always been is obedient. Life unfolds so intricately.