Last night I had a break down. A laying in bed sobbing so much my pillow was soaked break down. This entire year my money has been just…awful. I was not always the best with my finances, but ever since I graduated college I had improved my fiscal skills tremendously and was pretty proud of myself at the things I’d managed to save for and accomplish on my own. This year has been the antithesis of that and it has just been wrecking me. I feel like the universe is really making me eat my own words; I write about being patient and knowing things will work out and leaning on faith and then I’m made to practice that. I’ll be the first to admit its hard, and years of worrying doesn’t just disappear overnight. So I’ve been worried and anxious. I have been in literal stomach pain for about three weeks now. Then I was stressed because my totm never came. Well I have been a literal ball of knots so it is no wonder. I try to put on a happy face and move through my day but after arguing with Wells Fargo and feeling the full weight of helplessness I broke down.
I sent Ken a text and told her I would have called but I knew it was very late there but that I was feeling everything a little too much and was just completely overwhelmed. She sent back the following message: Don’t panic! Everything will be fine, and stop stressing…just trust that no matter what you will be fine and taken care of…as usual. God has not let you down yet and I don’t see why He would decide to start this month…So relax and calm down, no panic just relaxing.” When I woke up I read that, and I rolled over and said to Him “Its yours, I can’t handle it so please just take it.” Then I went back to sleep. When I woke up I turned on Pandora while I got dressed for work and Marvin Sapp’s “Wait” was the first song that came on. The lyrics say:
Said I’m gonna wait, on you
Got no choice but to wait, on you
No matter what the problem is he’s gonna see me through
So Lord I’m gonna wait, on you, on you, on you.
Oh to know
The problem you got really ain’t a problem
Every problem you got really He can solve them
He’s a fixer of everything broken, broken
He will put it back together don’t you worry
No need to be in a hurry
Have patience, He will see you through …
I’ve learned, how to trust and wait on Jesus
Tho I know he will give me the power
So I keep the faith and know that joy will come
Tell me that’s not a word from somewhere other than here. I heard it and it brightened my spirit because I truly feel like I let it go and I noticed that for the first time in three weeks, my stomach was not in agonizing pain. I gave it away, and I do NOT want it back.
The whole ordeal reminded me of a talk that NCS and I had last night about the friends and people we hold in our lives. I know (for a fact) that if I had called Ken, Ne, Tiek, Tre, Jennie..any of them they would have told me that it was going to be okay and they would have encouraged me to be patient and relax, to wait. I’ve had people in my life who would have reacted a little bit differently, and that is why they are no longer in my life. I told NCS that perhaps its a character flaw in me, but I like to be surrounded by strong women, and people who have ambition, a good spirit and a good heart. We all have our flaws, we have all been fools in relationships, or made unwise choices, its not about that. It is about the core values of a person. I know that I have a great circle and I’m so grateful for them.
One thing that I can say is that as I’ve matured as a woman, and become more conscious of the choices I make and actions I take, I have done things a bit differently. I do not cut people out of my life in the same way that I used to. I wish them well, and I pray for them, not in a judgmental holier than thou way, but I sincerely pray for them. Then I pray that whatever it was in me that was bothered so by whatever they did be called to my attention. I do not owe them the intimate details of my life, so I suppose in that way they are still “cut off” but it is different. I am approaching it from a healthy place of moving on rather than unforgiveness and avoidance. Holding grudges just takes too much energy, and keeps you trapped in the pain of a situation. I don’t ever want to do that again.
I am just thankful. Thankful for my continued lessons and thankful for the people that remind me of what I already know. People that uplift and love me. I’m thankful for the god in all my friends. Earlier this week I found this:
Symptoms of inner peace:
- A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.
- An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
- A loss of interest in judging other people.
- A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of other.
- A loss of interest in conflict.
- A loss of the ability to worry.
- Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
- Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
- An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
I’m working on checking those off one by one. Peace…when I am a truly mature me, I think I’ll have that.