As a sat here wanting to write a post about the power of clarity, the word “clarity” seemed all wrong when it came to picking a title. Even all the synonyms for clarity felt like sand paper against my skin. So I stopped churning thoughts and let things settle, what came to me was a prism which when I tell the stories, it will be clear why this is perfect.
I’d been told once by a friend of mine who is a lesbian about the discrimination within the LGBT community; irony is rich here, but I think its a sick mutation of human nature to be non-accepting and judgmental. I came face to face with what I felt like was associates w/i the LGBT community not wanting to hang out with me (and others) who are straight. I tried not to take it to personally and imagined it would be something like me not wanting to hang out with white friends in favor of wanting to go to a predominately black club or something. Then here comes that sand paper again. That really isn’t my choice to make, if my white friends are okay to listening to Waka all night then they’re more than welcomed to come. I, however, was not given that option. To back it up a bit, I got such…disturbing vibes from the disinviter, and was incredibly tired so it didn’t hurt my feelings not to go out to a gay club, it was just a thing of note. My open mind usually affords me the opportunity to hang out with anyone anytime with minimal discomfort. I suppose there is a first time for everything though. It just made me remember what W said about discrimination. And it made me sad that people fighting for equality and acceptance would want segregation. Is that too bold of a statement? Do we as people still feel like with some groups or in some situations we are holding our breath and in those pockets of life where we feel at home we can finally exhale?
I wondered earlier this week what it takes to be yourself. In any given situation, to remain and react authentically You. Well, first it takes a lot of reflection to discern who You are; in a pinch this can be easily identified as your knee-jerk reaction. Which can be good, or not so good. When I find my knee-jerk to be judgy or narrow, I try to dig and figure out why, usually I arrive at some insecurity. Then I come here and expose it, things that grow in the dark die in the light. I didn’t have a desire to be a new person when I moved to San Diego I only wanted to be more me. Whatever that was. I have been more contemplative and quiet than what people at home would expect of me. I’ve been more of a listener. I have been a note taker and have relished in time to reflect and slow down. I have been busy the last few days, but I have not pushed myself to keep going. I took the time I needed to rejuvenate. I feel lifetimes older than most my coworkers I’ve been in training with, who for the most part are fresh out of undergrad and in their early 20s. I know we’re not far apart in age, but it is very easy to spot someone in struggle to simply be okay with themselves, or even more desperate; someone who hates themselves. I have stopped wishing I could turn my sight off. By sight I mean how I feel people, because for all intensive purposes of understanding how it works it is sight, it is seeing the core of a person; their essence. I have stopped wishing it because it is a blessing. I see people because I need to, because in some way God put them in my life, and me in theirs to help, reciprocally.
I was reading blogs earlier and GG wrote, ” Then, I found my soul in dance. I didn’t think that I could do much of anything special. But I could dance. Lost in rhythym was the only time I felt free and honest. Unashamed. Even when my body wasn’t moving, I was dancing in my mind. Learning my own complexities and how to own them with movement. You can’t find your soul without exploration and I have always felt most free to explore when dancing (source).” My answer to her question, “Where is your soul?” was ‘in music’ but I want to edit that a bit. My soul is in movement. Push|Pull, ebb|flow, up|down, when things are moving I feel alive and one with them. That is how I see music, some songs cut through ice with a pick, and some songs smooth mountains like a river. When you find or create music that matches your energy, it just makes it bigger and then it calls to everyone who is feeling the same way you do. That is dance. That is song. That is artistry. That is life. And that is where my soul is. I’m lucky I get to see things that way. I get to take a simple thing like music and see it for all the potential it has, that is the same way I see people or anything living, anything that moves. I suppose in that way, I am a prism. I split it all up and see the beauty.