Out of all the “characters” I find myself identifying with the most, the ones of I often mention are:
- Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City)
- Alice (in Wonderland)
- Alice Ayers/Jane Jones (from Closer)
Most recently I changed my name on Twitter and Tumblr to “Alice” and have gotten a few questions as to why. I haven’t really answered anyone and just told them its a long story. Really, its not. Some people have just assumed its from my recent obsession with Alice in Wonderland, and that’s partly why…but its really more to do with Alice Ayers. I loved her character so much I often forget there was another leading lady in the movie (Julia Roberts). Not only because of Natalie though, Alice or rather Jane got caught up in the lies of love. Something I feel desperate not to ever do again.
Sidebar: I know I talk a lot about my past relationship but let it be clear that I am only speaking on behalf of myself and of my own experience. I truly think my ex is a wonderful guy, things just didn’t work out.
The opening quote, “Hello, Stranger” spoken by Alice is a summation of not only her character, the most honest and familiar stranger, but of the entire film. Who is she? Does she want love? Would she have loved him forever? So much mystery…I guess that’s how I see myself. For as open as I think I’ve gotten, there’s still so much more to reveal.
I had another very detailed dream, when I woke up I sent the following text to LT: Had another detailed dream. And oddly, again with Ken. I was 1st talking to her on the phone watching the Cumberland bridge and then it OPENED! like it was s suspension bridge. Apparently this symbolizes past and present and transition, but I wasn’t crossing only watching so maybe im seeing change around me. I remember I said, I’ve crossed this bridge a hundred times and never knew it opened. Like I never saw the transition. Then I was driving to my boyfriends families house. It was down a gravel road, roads are the direction of your life mine was obviously bumpy so I had to go slow. I got there and started cooking all I remember was corn and fish. Cooking means supplying nurture and support, corn means abundance, fish means spirituality. While I was cooking I saw ants, they represent hard work and persistence. I saw three. I didn’t think much of it bc we were in the country which means getting to what’s natural to me. Funny the road/direction took me to my essence. Anyway, so three ants is unity of mind body spirit. Also holy trinity, fertility And nurture. Moving on, so boyfriends family was wealthy and dad was talking to me about that and my boyfriend said, no dad she’s the most salt of the earth person she’s not even like that. I remember being really happy he said that and the dad seemed to believe him because they said nothing else about it. But get this, they were white. And southern. He did, however, have a sister. Dreams of being in love are desires for affection. Bc it was future the figure of my boyfriend is hopes of his qualities. But the physical shouldn’t be taken literally.
Seeing that all written out makes me realize how long of a text that was LOL, but anyway…the themes in this dream (spirituality, my essence, balance, abundance, and love) were all ones represented in my wedding dream. I have to admit, there are a few things I am very clear about, lately
- I prefer to live alone, and I will do so as soon as I am financially able to.
- I am a romantic. I get so much from taking care of others, but I’m also at the point now where I can appreciate also reciprocally being taken care of.
- Waiting isn’t waiting if you’re busy.
- I prefer my world.
What I mean by the latter is that sometimes I know I don’t make sense and sometimes I know the way I view things is unconventional, but I am not trying to change that about myself. Nor am I trying to convince others…I’ve become more quiet than I’ve ever been before especially in groups. More withdrawn. More of a thinker/processer. The riddles in my head make perfect sense to me, and I don’t often feel like explaining them. So I keep to my world. My wonderland.
Rounding out to Carrie…I miss my girlfriends. Granted, I’ve been missing them since I left Tennessee, but now even more than the last two years. Sometimes, I do not, well no…I always miss them, but sometimes I do not feel the million miles between us. Then other times I feel lifetimes away. I know I need to create a life for myself here, as of yet it doesn’t seem like anything sticks. You know…when you meet someone and you just know they are your people? Its doubly hard because living with someone else (that you’re not exactly friends with) is miserable. You don’t have the comfort of living alone, yet you do not have the warmth of living with a friend. It’s just different. I have only ever lived with friends. I miss sitting and talking. I miss that comfort…your family of friends.
I guess it just boils down to finding my footing here. Making my outside world as warm and welcoming as my wonderland. And as it relates to love…well I just want to be Jane (not Alice). True.