Still still

It’s always raining when I break.

This morning I was going through it, do you hear me?  Anything that could have gone wrong went wrong and after going to payroll to try and get my check only to be told it wouldn’t be ready until after 3 (aka after I couldn’t get to the bank aka after I would have already missed breakfast and lunch, aka too damn late).  I wandered around campus trying to hold it together before I found myself in the Founders Chapel crying and praying a very simple prayer, “Lord just take it, I want to leave it here.”

I left, but of course I still had it.  I was still worried about it.  Even though there as NEVER been a time I’ve asked for food and He didn’t provide.  Never been a time when I needed and didn’t receive.  I kept it, and by 3pm when things still weren’t rectified I broke.  I walked out of work and cried the whole way home. Got home laid out and just cried.  Then I got up and I asked for help.  It was (of course) given to me.  Looking back, He offered it to me earlier and I refused…silly woman turning away the boat, “waiting” for God.

Then I get to class and while there were many things said, the one that stuck was our professors spill of the different kinds of problems. Technical problems which are problems we have encountered before and that we have adapted a set of rules or methods for solving.  Then there are adaptive problems which arise because the nature of the world has changed, technical solutions are no longer valid because solutions are dependent on teh entire group to learn its way to new solutions.  When she was explaining about adaptive problems she said “Sometimes we try to fix it when we should just be still.”  Immediately the synapses fired and loud as lightening in my head I heard/saw/felt the words from the Tao te Ching:

Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?

The Master doesn’t seek fulfillment.
Not seeking, not expecting,
she is present, and can welcome all things.

That sat on my heart all night.  Can you just remain unmoving til the right action arises BY ITSELF?  Can you just be still.  Then I get home and I see the following scripture come across my tumblr.  It’s like, okay Lord.  And then I really let it go.  I put on my praise music, I got in a better spirit, I no longer felt tears in the back of my throat (you know that’s where the big ones start).  I smiled.  From the inside.  Amen.



2 thoughts on “Still still

  1. This is one of my favorites: “Do you have the patience to wait
    till your mud settles and the water is clear?”

    Jess, sometimes I feel so unbelievably muddy. I’m with you in learning that sometimes it’s best to stop trying to get the mud off in the same old ways. Rain is nature’s way of washing things away and promoting the new growth of things…so we have to learn to accept getting rained on sometimes and not fighting it…so we can see the miracles of growth and renewal.

    1. Its hard when you’re in it to really just stop and be still. Its probably the hardest thing, ironically it’s the thing that helps most, but we can’t ever remember that then. Yesterday I remember thinking haven’t I asked for help enough this year? ! Looking back I see how prideful I can still be. It is NO joke that “ego” stands for edging God out.

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