These Words

Thoughts:

  • “You center me” ~CR.  It took my by (sweet) surprise, but I have to say it is one of the greatest compliments I’ve ever received.
  • “I will always be for whatever you want.” ~P2AD, also pretty sweet, and surprising given the conversation…
Perhaps the biggest “issue” with this is I can’t just take it.  I seem to have a very large problem, in that accepting compliments or praise, or kindness just makes me so incredibly uncomfortable.  Ok…so for example, I hang out with a lot of people in the Masters’ cohort (because we met each other 1st, and because we’re all around the same age).  Well when meeting someone and explaining our positions to them, I really hate being singled out…Where I say “oh I’m in a different program,” someone will inevitably say, “Jessica is in the doctoral program.”  And I want to go hide under a rock.
I heard this week from CR, from P2AD, and from my department chair that I was crazy for being even the slightest bit intimidated by my cohort members’ credentials because obviously I was chosen for a reason, and I too have something to bring to the table.  I must know that right? Like on some level?
What really really sucks is that this issue of not being good enough, and/or undeserving of good is really getting played out everywhere in my life and I am t.i.r.e.d. of it. I just want to be proud of myself.  Not arrogant, but not self-depreciating.  I would love to find a healthy balance.  I just want to be able to feel the true weight of sentiment.
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